"When it comes to fantasy football, I want him to fail in every way possible, but I'm OK with him doing well in the rest of his life" - Pulley, on his relationship with Rob.

Week One Recap

Babel def. Mike, 117.88-103.67:

Mike takes on the title of Highest-Scoring Loser this week, putting up a good effort against Babel. Mark got off to a fast start, with Michael Vick (22.15), Calvin Johnson (23.73), Cedric Benson (18.37), and the Eagles defense (17.00) having huge games in the noon time slot. After that, he had to watch as Mike got some nice games from his Cowboys (both Romo and Austin scored 18.00 points, in a nice quirk). It wouldn't be enough for the young one, however, as he fell to 0-1.

Pat def. Rabbit, 119.42-103.06:

Sometimes, rivalry games produce crazy results. Even though Rabbit and Pat are the loosest rivals the Blingaleague has, their game did the trick. Pat had a sad, sad 2010 season, while Rabs dominated; in Week One 2011, the tables turned. Even though Pat had to start Kerry Collins at QB, he came close to being Team Blangums, thanks to his Ravens (Ray Rice: 28.30, and their defense: 22.00) and Andre Johnson (18.67) in particular. Rabs, meanwhile, wasted an amazing game from Tom Brady (39.15), and will have to wait twelve more weeks to exact his revenge.

Allen def. Derrek, 120.32-62.28:

Allen got his revenge, though. The last time we saw these two, D was winning the third-place game. This time, the game was all Allen. Drew Brees led the way with 30.25 points for our medical friend, who came less than a point away from being Team Blangums. Derrek got a good game from Philip Rivers (18.45), but not much else.

Matt def. Ed, 112.66-94.22:

This was a game featuring poor quarterbacking and excellent performances by Bears players. Neither Matt Schaub (10.00) nor Ben Roethlisberger (4.90) did much for Ed or Matt, respectively. However, Matt Forte (24.80) and the Bears defense (24.00) came through. The rest of the lineup for Matt provided the boost he needed to put down yours truly. If you're scoring at home (and why wouldn't you be?), last year's first-, second-, and third-place finishers all took a loss this week.

Dave def. Pulley, 95.82-71.61:

Overall, this was the worst game of the week. Only two players (Charles: 10.80, and the 49ers defense: 24.00) put up double-digit scores for Pulley, while Dave had no one top 16.53 points (Tim Hightower). Dave can at least be content with a solid win, but both owners must hope better things are to come.

Rob def. Kevin, 120.97-92.47:

Kenny Britt led the way with 30.13 points for Rob, as he easily defeated Kevin. The latter didn't have a terrible week, though, getting 26.20 from LeSean McCoy and 15.60 from last-minute start Ben Tate. Of course, Rob added three more guys with big games (Rodgers: 25.70, DeSean Jackson: 19.60, and Gronkowski: 17.47).

Current Standings

1. Rob, 1-0, 120.97

2. Allen, 1-0, 120.32

3. Pat, 1-0, 119.42

4. Babel, 1-0, 117.88

5. Matt, 1-0, 112.66

6. Dave, 1-0, 95.82

7. Mike, 0-1, 103.67

8. Rabbit, 0-1, 103.06

9. Ed, 0-1, 94.22

10. Kevin, 0-1, 92.47

11. Pulley, 0-1, 71.61

12. Derrek, 0-1, 62.28

"200 Points, Bitches"

You didn't think I forgot about Derrek's third-round pick, did you?

Steelers defense:

Week One: -6.00

Season-To-Date: -6.00

Points To Goal: 206.00

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums: Rob's Location Nouns squeaked ahead of Allen, Pat, and Babel, with 120.97 points.

Slapped Heartbeat: Derrek's 62.28 almost makes me feel bad for the previous section. Almost.

Start of the Week: None of the games were particularly close, so I'll give this to Rob for starting Kenny Britt and his 30-plus points.

Misplay of the Week: Again, none of the games were close enough for one misplay to be costly. So for the second week in a row, one person will get two conflicting awards. Rob could have played Wes Welker and his 33.33 points in the flex spot over one of LeGarrette Blount (1.50), Knowshon Moreno (4.87), or Peyton Hillis (9.70), but instead left those points on his bench.

Week Two Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Harrison Hammers (Matt, 1-0, 5th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 1-0, 2nd):

This is the only matchup between undefeated teams in Week Two. That seems weird to me.

Matt hopes Ben Roethlisberger bounces back against the Seahawks, while Allen will count on Drew Brees having success against a Bears defense that destroyed Matt Ryan in Week One. The matchups here might be key; Matt's RBs are better (Jones-Drew and Best against Steven Jackson and Pierre Thomas), and their WRs are a wash. If Roethlisberger can keep pace with Brees, Matt should emerge victorious.

I think Big Ben does just that. Pick: Harrison Hammers.

Other Blingamatches

D's AutoPicks (Derrek, 0-1, 12th) vs. Camp Hope (Pat, 1-0, 3rd):

Derrek is also hoping for a Steeler bounce-back, and his is almost certain to occur; there's no way the Steelers defense will put up another -6, is there? Especially against the Seahawks, right? Meanwhile, Pat appears to be banking on the Ravens once again, with Ray Rice, Lee Evans, and their defense going up against the Titans. There are worse strategies to employ.

Pick: D's AutoPicks.

Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 0-1, 8th) vs. Location Nouns (Rob, 1-0, 1st):

Rob rides his week of glory into a matchup with our defending champion. This is a nice-looking matchup. Elite QBs? Check (Brady vs. Rodgers). Strong WR corps? Check (Jennings/Wallace vs. DeSean/Britt). RBs with good situations? Um, OK (Foster @MIA vs. Hillis @IND). Rob's team looks really strong, while Rabbit's depending on Arian Foster's not-quite-certain hamstring.

Pick: Location Nouns.

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 0-1, 10th) vs. Goulden Pink OBGYN's (Babel, 1-0, 4th):

Michael Vick heads back to Atlanta; will he come through for Mark? Will Cedric Benson have another huge day against the shaky Broncos defense, propelling Babel to victory? Or will Dwayne Bowe and Stevie Johnson light up the Lion and Raider secondaries, respectively, vaulting Kevin ahead? Yahoo thinks this game will be close; so do I.

Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.

Oedipus Rex Ryan (Mike, 0-1, 7th) vs. The Yips (Dave, 1-0, 6th):

Last year, Dave finished second in points but had a losing record. So far this year, he has fewer points than Mike, but a better record. Both owners will be looking for redemption weeks from their QBs (Romo for Mike, Freeman for Dave) and more strong weeks from their stud RBs (Peterson for Mike, Turner for Dave).

Pick: The Yips.

St. Olaf Real Stuff (Ed, 0-1, 9th) vs. Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 0-1, 11th):

Neither one of us wants to have to dig out of an 0-2 hole. My Matt Schaub should rebound from a sub-standard Week One against the Dolphins, who were lit up by Tom Brady. Pulley's Matt Ryan, on the other hand, will have to face the Eagles defense. This is another game Yahoo thinks will be close, and another time I'll agree with them.

Pick: St. Olaf Real Stuff.

Closing Thoughts

Week One, 2011, was the twelfth-highest-scoring Blingaweek ever (eleventh, if you don't count the pre-keeper, pre-current-scoring 2007 season). Keep up the good work, everyone.

E$

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