The Sanderson Gazette - 2011-09-21 - We're All Awesome

"Pulley's gone 'Full Newman' on me" - Rob.

Week Two Recap

Allen def. Matt, 114.87-70.57:

Our only Battle of the Unbeatens was our worst game of the Blingaweek, as Allen handily defeated Matt. And that was with Brandon Lloyd scoring a big fat zero for Dr. Clark. He countered that with big scores from Drew Brees (24.70), Steve Smith (Carolina, 18.80), and the Jets defense (19.00). Meanwhile, Dez Bryant gave Mr. Harrison a zero of his own, and the Bears defense provided -1.00. (Note: this game featured the only sub-100-point score of the week.)

Ed def. Pulley, 121.70-101.09:

Moving from a match between undefeated teams to one between winless ones, Pulley came up short against yours truly. I got great weeks from the Lions defense (21.00) and Matt Forte (20.50). My only dud was at tight end, where Jermaine Gresham scored a paltry 1.07, bringing my total tight end score for the year to... 1.07. Pulley, meanwhile, got an enormous week from Vincent Jackson (34.93), but not much else.

Rob def. Rabbit, 126.44-119.98:

Rob looked to have this one in hand going into the Monday night game, with only the Giants defense still to play for Rabs. Nick made it close when the Giants returned a backward pass for a touchdown, but it wasn't quite enough. Rodgers, Britt, Hillis, and Gronkowski all broke the 20-point barrier for Rob. Only Brady and Wallace did for Rabbit.

Kevin def. Babel, 106.90-102.41:

If you had looked at the scores at 7:00 P.M. on Sunday, you would have thought this game, while close, was a bit of a dud. That's only because Kevin and Mark had so many players going in the two night games. In the Sunday night tilt, LeSean McCoy and Tony Gonzalez both has big games, canceling each other out for the winner and loser, respectively; on Monday, Eli Manning's 11.80 and Josh Brown's 10.00 were enough for Kev to edge past Babel, who got only 4.13 from Cadillac Williams.

Derrek def. Pat, 138.17-104.84:

Derrek bounced back in a big way, finishing second in total points this week. Rivers, Fitzgerald, and McFadden all scored 20-plus points for D; no one scored that much for Pat, but he still had a good overall score. Mr. Gawne was led by Dustin Keller (19.47) and Andre Johnson (18.40).

Mike def. Dave, 145.29-113.62:

Miles Austin put up 36.87 points prior to his injury, while Adrian Peterson and Fred Jackson put up nearly identical scores as Mike's RBs (26.80, 26.77). Dave got a surprising zero from Antonio Gates, who did play, and an even worse -0.53 from Mike Williams, offsetting Jeremy Maclin's huge game (34.90).

Current Standings

  1. Rob, 2-0, 247.41

  2. Allen, 2-0, 235.19

  3. Mike, 1-1, 248.96

  4. Pat, 1-1, 224.26

  5. Babel, 1-1, 220.19

  6. Ed, 1-1, 215.92

  7. Dave, 1-1, 209.44

  8. Derrek, 1-1, 200.45

  9. Kevin, 1-1, 199.37

  10. Matt, 1-1, 183.23

  11. Rabbit, 0-2, 223.04

  12. Pulley, 0-2, 172.70

"200 Points, Bitches"

Derrek would be thrilled if the Steelers could host the Seahawks every week...

Steelers defense:

Week Two: 18.00

Season-To-Date: 12.00

Points To Goal: 188.00

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums: Mike, who's no stranger to huge weeks, put up a big-time 145.29.

Slapped Heartbeat: This is probably the most stand-out Slapped Heartbeat award I can think of. It's not because Matt's score (70.57) is that low, but because everyone else hit triple digits this week.

Start of the Week: Rob and Kevin, are only two close winners, both left some points on the bench this week. Thus, I'll give this to Mike for playing Fred Jackson and his 26.77 points over Ryan Grant and his 4.37, earning the Team Blangums award in the process.

Misplay of the Week: Rabs left A.J. Green's 22.53 points on his bench, while Jacoby Jones put up a meager 6.40, costing him a victory.

Week Three Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

D's AutoPicks (Derrek, 1-1, 8th) vs. Location Nouns (Rob, 2-0, 1st):

In week two, Derrek (and his third-round pick) bounced back in a major way. In week two, Rob (and his Polish tight end) continued their strong showings.

And both teams look poised for a big third week.

D's Steelers (defense and Rashard Mendenhall) face off against the Colts, who just look pitiful. And his QB, Philip Rivers, gets the Chiefs, who look even worse. While no other players seem to have matchups as juicy as those, none seem to be facing particularly tough challenges, either.

Rob's Patriots (defense, Gronkowski, Welker) go up against a Bills team that just gave up 35 points to the Raiders. That should play well for him. Aaron Rodgers, though, never seems to play well against the Bears. That could mean trouble.

And in my opinion, it will mean enough for Derrek to squeak by. Pick: D's AutoPicks.

Other Blingamatches

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 1-1, 9th) vs. The Yips (Dave, 1-1, 7th):

Their matchup for some FIFA XBox game won't happen for another ten weeks, but the rivalry should still be intense in week three for these two Blingacousins. Kevin has a surprisingly Bill-heavy lineup, with Ryan Fitzpatrick, Stevie Johnson, and Scott Chandler all slated to start against the Patriots, whose own defense has been suceptible to big fantasy days. Dave can only hope Antonio Gates actually catches a pass this week. At least he gets to play the Chiefs. Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.

St. Olaf Real Stuff (Ed, 1-1, 6th) vs. Oedipus Rex Ryan (Mike, 1-1, 3rd):

Coming off a Team Blangums week, all is not well for Mike. Miles Austin is out. Tony Romo is hurting. Adrian Peterson faces off against an imposing Lions defense (well, their line, at least). Meanwhile, I'm hoping Matt Forte continues his awesomeness against the Packers, and that Matt Schaub finally has a big week. Pick: St. Olaf Real Stuff.

Camp Hope (Pat, 1-1, 4th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 2-0, 2nd):

Allen started fast last year, went cold, then rolled into the playoffs. Pat started fast, then completely collapsed. This year? They both look like playoff hopefuls. Pat continues to be weak at QB, having been burned by Peyton Manning, while that's Allen's point of strength (Drew Brees). Pat's RBs - Ray Rice and Beanie Wells - should outduel Allen's shaky stable (Pierre Thomas and Willis McGahee). Will this game come down to WRs? If so, Andre Johnson is the one I'd choose to play. Pick: Camp Hope.

Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 0-2, 11th) vs. Goulden Pink OBGYN's (Babel, 1-1, 5th):

Both these guys took tough losses last week, having to wait until Monday night to know their fates. For Rabs, our reigning Sanderson Cup champion, this game is huge; he cannot afford to fall to 0-3. He'll need a couple Packers, Greg Jennings and James Starks, to have good games in Chicago. Or he'll just need Michael Vick to have to sit on Sunday, which would be a huge blow to Babel. In that case, Babel would need great games from Calvin Johnson (@MIN) and Cedric Benson (vs. SF), if he were to overcome Rabs. Pick: Pralines & Dick.

Harrison Hammers (Matt, 1-1, 10th) vs. Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 0-2, 12th):

(Editor's note: Unfortunately, I left the Matt-Pulley preview out of the initial publication of this issue. This was unacceptable and I apologize to you all, especially Matt and Pulley.)

Sometimes, even the best fail to deliver. You might think I'm talking about your faithful editor (ed: I am sorry, guys) and his failure to properly proofread this newsletter; nope, I am talking about the first two winners of the Sanderson Cup. Both Pulley and Matt have had less than stellar starts to the season. Matt won his first game, but then managed to score a mere 70 points in a week where you had to make an effort to fall short of 100. And Pulley? Well, he doesn't exactly have a victory yet. In the long run, Matt's right: neither team is anything special. On the other hand, Pulley is wrong: neither team is being written off. After all, we've seen stranger things than an 0-2 team making the playoffs (does anyone remember Mr. Pulley, just one year ago?). Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.

Closing Thoughts

Remeber how Week One was the eleventh-highest scoring week, not counting 2007? Well, now it's twelfth.

And not only does Week Two climb into the top ten. No, my friends: this past week was the highest-scoring week in Blingaleague history.

We're all awesome.

Ed