The Sanderson Gazette - 2011-10-12 - I, For One, Welcome Our OBYGN Overlord
How does he do it? He puts in zero hours of preseason preparation. He spends the draft talking about kettle drums and blasting Pink songs. He has been known to leave bye-week players in his lineup. And yet, Allen consistently makes the Blingaleague playoffs - and sits all alone in first place, five weeks into our most competitive season yet.
Week Five Recap
Allen def. Rob, 106.18-84.89:
Allen improved to 4-1 with a convincing win over Rob. Drew Brees continued his stellar year, with 21.95 points for our medicine man, while each one of his RB/WR/TE starters scored in double figures. That's how you take down the first-place team. Rob was undone primarily by the Buccaneers defense, which put up a putrid -5.00 points.
Kevin def. Matt, 154.68-98.46:
This was a huge week for Kevin, as he got 29.07 from Dwayne Bowe, 25.77 from Victor Cruz, and 22.50 from Eli Manning. Matt got 23.50 from Jahvid Best, putting up a respectable amount of points in the loss.
Rabbit def. Ed, 117.74-94.50:
Rabs is officially back, folks, winning his third-straight game. No single performer stood out for Nick, as he was solid across the board (Dallas Clark (0.93) excepted). I had a down week, with only Matt Schaub (21.80) and Neil Rackers (10.00) outperforming expectations.
Derrek def. Dave, 108.41-92.26:
Sebastian Janikoswki is D's MVP, it seems. The kicker put up 20.00 points, nailing three 50-plus yard field goals. BenJarvus Green-Ellis added 27.33 for D, as he was able to overcome Dave's Cam Newton (24.90) express. Dave's Polish kicker (Gostkowski (13.00)) also had a nice game, but his TE (Antonio Gates (0.00)) did not.
Babel def. Pat, 106.75-49.67:
Babel had a good week, with Michael Vick (23.75) and Calvin Johnson (23.33) doing what they always do. Really, almost any combination of starters Mark chose would have done the trick, as Pat put up a historically bad score.
Mike def. Pulley, 103.64-83.53:
The Pullman doesn't have it this year, guys, though his 49ers are good (Frank Gore: 18.90; 49ers defense: 22.00). Meanwhile, Mike got 30.20 points, much of which came before 1:00 PM CST, to blow Adam out of the water. At least Pulley finally has a winning NFL team to root for.
Current Standings
Allen, 4-1, 535.81
Rob, 3-2, 607.22
Kevin, 3-2, 558.59
Rabbit, 3-2, 555.14
Ed, 3-2, 550.04
Babel, 3-2, 529.21
Derrek, 3-2, 516.09
Mike, 2-3, 546.90
Matt, 2-3, 501.32
Pat, 2-3, 469.90
Dave, 1-4, 497.64
Pulley, 1-4, 446.60
"200 Points, Bitches"
Quite an average week for the men who wear black and yellow.
Steelers defense:
Week Four: 6.00
Season-To-Date: 29.00
Points To Goal: 171.00
The Steelers defense has to average 21.38 points per week to reach Derrek's guarantee.
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: Kevin's 154.68 is the seventh-highest score from 2008 onward.
Slapped Heartbeat: Pat almost outdoes Kevin, putting up a 49.67, the eighth-lowest score ever (2007 excluded).
Start of the Week: No games were close, so this is kind of a weird week for this award. Allen picked up Heath Miller, who put up a very solid 12.13, off of the free agency pile.
Misplay of the Week: Moves like picking up the Tampa Bay defense, which scored -5.00 points, is not how Rob will remain in first place.
Week Six Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
Camp Hope (Pat, 2-3, 10th) vs. The Yips (Dave, 1-4, 11th):
We'll call this the Slapped Heartbeat Classic. Neither Dave nor Pat has a positive outlook for the rest of the year. Pat, because his best WR (Andre Johnson) is injured and his QB stable is weak, to put it nicely. Dave, because he's Dave.
So let's give them the spotlight while they can get it. For Dave's squad, Cam Newton should continue his magnificent outputs, while Michael Turner should do the same against Newton's Panthers. Thrown in the Packers defense having a sweet matchup (vs. STL), and this could wind up being one of Dave's best weeks of the season.
Pat has to hope Ray Rice returns from his bye week with a huge game. His other consistent scorer, Beanie Wells, has his own bye this week. Yikes.
Pick: The Yips.
Other Blingamatches
Location Nouns (Rob, 3-2, 2nd) vs. Goulden Pink OBGYN's (Babel, 3-2, 6th):
Rob is hoping to bounce back from his defeat at the hands of Babel's namesake, but Mark's squad looks ready. Aaron Rodgers will likely have another big game for Roundhouse, but the rest of Rob's lineup isn't quite so promising. On the other side, Babel must be licking his chops with his Cedric Benson (vs. IND) and Marques Colston (@TB) matchups.
Pick: Goulden Pink OBGYN's.
Oedipus Rex Ryan (Mike, 2-3, 8th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 4-1, 1st):
Mike bounced back already, and now gets to face Allen and his mini-juggernaut. Mike should get good games from Tony Romo and Miles Austin, who gets to face the suspect Patriots defense. I look at Allen's team, and wonder how he's won 80% of his games; outside of Drew Brees, it's not that pretty.
Pick: Oedipus Rex Ryan.
St. Olaf Read Stuff (Ed, 3-2, 5th) vs. D's AutoPicks (Derrek, 3-2, 7th):
I'm hit hard by byes this week, with my Charger duo (Vincent Jackson and Ryan Mathews) on the bench. Luckily for me, so is Derrek, as Philip Rivers, Larry Fitzgerald, and Sidney Rice are also all out. D had better hope the Steelers defense catches fire, starting immediately. Even if they do, this is going to be an ugly one, folks.
Pick: St. Olaf Real Stuff.
Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 1-4, 12th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 3-2, 3rd):
Kevin's team seems to be hitting its stride. Pulley's team is solidly in last place. I feel like this game will be closer than it should be, but I still don't see Pulley stealing a victory; by this time next week, Kev could be in first place.
Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.
Harrison Hammers (Matt, 2-3, 9th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 3-2, 4th):
You do not want to play Rabs right now; trust me, I know from experience. Matt should feel the same pain in this rematch of Blingabowl II.
Pick: Pralines & Dick.
Closing Thoughts
If my predictions come true (insert witty, self-deprecating comment here), next week there will be a huge cluster at the top of the Blingaleague.
Eddo