The Sanderson Gazette - 2012-09-11 - Verdance Like No One's Watching

"I was going to send Rob a 'sorry for your loss' card, but then I realized I'd have to find out his address, and stamp the envelope... And who wants to add things to their to-do list?" - Richie Armour

Week One Recap

Derrek def. Pulley, 118.79-109.62:

This one wasn't decided until the very last game of the night, as Derrek needed anything but a stinker from keeper Darren McFadden. And the Raider delivered, scoring a solid 14.67 points to bring home the win. Derrek was also aided by 22.07 from Kevin Smith and 15.00 from the Texans defense (200 points, bitches?). Pulley, meanwhile, couldn't capitalize on huge weeks from Julio Jones (26.40) and Stevan Ridley (22.10).

Mike R. def. Pat, 119.79-100.04:

Unlike the D/Pulley matchup, this one was over early, thanks primarily to Matt Ryan's 34.45 points for Mike. Pat roared back to a very respectable score thanks to the Monday night games and Ray Rice (22.13), Nate Kaeding (18.00), and Anquan Boldin (14.70). Demaryius Thomas added 20.67 for Mike.

Rabbit def. Matt, 116.32-113.38:

The Blingabowl IV matchup sure delivered on its promise, as it wound up being the tightest game of the week. So why did I not lead with this one? Rabs and Matt have had too much of the spotlight, that's why. The Gazette is an equal-opportunity newsletter! Rabs was led by Tony Romo (24.55), Pierre Garcon (20.53), and Arian Foster (19.37). Matt got 20.95 from Peyton Manning and a surprising 16.00 from the Patriots defense.

Ed def. Allen, 87.05-81.76:

No dicks were eaten by yours truly, but only thanks to Allen's rough week. Brandon Marshall (21.87) and Reggie Wayne (18.00) had nine catches each for me, but I got very little outside of those two. Allen was led by Drew Brees's 22.95, but suffered from Wes Welker (1.87) and DeAngelo Williams's (0.57) horrid days.

Richie def. Rob, 114.68-85.05:

Richie's made a strong return to the Blingaleague, and he has his first four picks to thank; Andre Johnson (21.87), Ahmad Bradshaw (15.73), Miles Austin (15.73), and Donald Brown (10.80) all had touchdowns, leading Richie to a solid victory over Rob. The loser's team looks much like it did last year: solid at the top, with Aaron Rodgers (22.85) and Rob Gronkowski (14.00), but not much support beyond that.

Kevin def. Schertz, 92.76-79.19:

Schertz could only dream of a strong debut. He rolled the dice with Robert Turbin and crapped out (0.77). Kevin had his own dud in David Wilson (-1.60), but Tom Brady (18.90) and the Ravens defense (18.00) made up for it, propelling him to a 1-0 start. He hopes to be more consistent this year.

Babel def. Dave, 103.94-85.53:

Michael Vick put up 17.05 points - despite throwing four picks - for Mark. Dave had this matchup's high scorer, Matt Forte (19.33), but showed why it's foolish to predict a win for him over an established successful Blingalite. Babel improved to 5-0 over Dave with this win.

Current Standings

  1. Mike, 1-0, 119.79

  2. Derrek, 1-0, 118.79

  3. Rabbit, 1-0, 116.32

  4. Richie, 1-0, 114.68

  5. Babel, 1-0, 103.94

  6. Kevin, 1-0, 92.76

  7. Ed, 1-0, 87.05

  8. Matt, 0-1, 113.38

  9. Pulley, 0-1, 109.62

  10. Pat, 0-1, 100.04

  11. Dave, 0-1, 85.53

  12. Rob, 0-1, 85.05

  13. Allen, 0-1, 81.76

  14. Schertz, 0-1, 79.19

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums: Mike R. got off to a torrid start, nabbing Team Blangums with 119.79 points in a close heat.

Slapped Heartbeat: Another close one, as Schertz takes the award here. He managed only 79.19 points in his first Blingamatch.

Start of the Week: Rabs shows why he's our two-time defending champ. He could have played Maurice Jones-Drew (10.10), Randall Cobb (16.27), or Santana Moss (6.27) in his flex position, and lost. Instead, Pierre Garcon scored 20.53 points, causing him to edge Matt in this week's closest contest.

Misplay of the Week: Allen needed just 5.29 points to be victorious this week. Had he played Jonathan Dwyer (5.77) over DeAngelo Williams (0.57), he would have gotten it. Though, I'm not sure any of us would have made that call, so I can't really blame the good doctor.

Week Two Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 1-0, 6th) vs. Artifish IteliGents (Babel, 1-0, 5th):

All-time series tied, 2-2.

Hope springs eternal for these two franchises, as they hope to correct falling short of the playoffs last year. And they're each off to a good start.

Babel beat Dave with little effort, surviving what could have been a disastrous day from Michael Vick. This week, though, the Eagles face the Ravens, so Vick's outlook isn't quite so hot - but his bench QB is Brandon Weeden, who also threw four interceptions last week. BenJarvus Green-Ellis has a better machup, going against the Browns, a week after he did very well against the Baltimore defense.

Kevin will send Tom Brady out against a decent Cardinals defense. His WRs have good matchups, though: Steve Smith plays the Saints and Victor Cruz gets the Buccaneers, so there's a lot of potential there.

It's tough making these picks this early in the week (more on that later), but I don't like to make excuses. Pick: Artifish Inteligents.

Other Blingamatches

Half of a Horse (Ed, 1-0, 7th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 1-0, 3rd):

Rabbit leads all-time series, 5-1.

The only other battle of 1-0 teams is a rematch of Blingabowl III. I staggered to a win last week against Allen, and have some juicy WR matchups in Brandon Marshall (@GB) and Reggie Wayne (vs. MIN). Rabs will have his RBs at full strength, though, with Arian Foster (@JAC) and Maurice Jones-Drew (vs. HOU) playing against each other. I'd love to move to 2-0, but I don't have history on my side.

Pick: Pralines & Dick.

Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 0-1, 9th) vs. Bernard's Bullies (Mike R., 1-0, 1st):

Mike R. leads all-time series, 3-1.

Both of these guys broke the 100-point barrier last week, but had opposite outcomes. Pulley hopes to right the ship, but he has some rough matchups. Matthew Stafford faces the 49ers in San Francisco, and his Steeler WRs (Mike Wallace, Antonio Brown) go up against the Jets, albeit possibly without Darrelle Revis. Mike will have Matt Ryan, coming off a huge week one, taking on a Bronco defense that had mixed results against Ben Roethlisberger last week. And though his team looks strong, he will actually need his RBs to score some points this week.

Pick: Bernard's Bullies.

DumbFace 4 President (Dave, 0-1, 11th) vs. DICK ARMOUR (Richie, 1-0, 4th):

All-time series tied, 0-0.

Richie would love to win his first two "real" Blingaleague games, and he's got the right matchup to do so, facing off against perennial cellar-dweller Dave (DumbFace is what our family calls him). Philip Rivers and Malcom Floyd get to tee off against a questionable Titans defense, but Ahmad Bradshaw plays Tampa Bay, which completely shut down the Panthers' rushing offense. Dave will rely on Matt Forte to put up big numbers against a Packer defense that let Frank Gore run all over them.

Pick: DICK ARMOUR.

Location Nouns (Rob, 0-1, 12th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 1-0, 2nd):

All-time series tied, 3-3.

D and Rob are coming off vastly different weeks. Rob looks to rebound, but has a relatively tough matchup for Aaron Rodgers. Dwayne Bowe, on the other hand, looks to have a huge week against a Bills defense that Mark Sanchez shredded. Derrek will hope that Larry Fitzgerald bounces back against a possibly stout Patriot defense, and his 1-2 punch of Adrian Peterson (@IND) and Darren McFadden (@MIA) appears to be a force to reckon with.

Pick: D's Nuts.

Optimus Prime (Allen, 0-1, 13th) vs. Camp Hope (Pat, 0-1, 10th):

Allen leads all-time series, 3-1.

The Panthers-Saints game features two players, Drew Brees and DeAngelo Williams, that had disappointing debuts for Allen. And his two Patriot WRs, Wes Welker and Brandon Lloyd, face a Cardinals defense that appears to be fairly good. Pat doesn't have a week full of good matchups, though; Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin face the Eagles, while Jay Cutler faces a Packer defense that he's always struggled with. Pat's best matchup might be his kicker, but, hey, Nate Kaeding (vs. TEN) did score 18 points last week!

Pick: Camp Hope.

Harrison Hammers (Matt, 0-1, 8th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 0-1, 14th):

Poor Mike S., sitting in the basement, going up against one of the strongest Blingafranchises. Making matters worse, Matt has a week full of promising matchups. Peyton Manning and Eric Decker (@ATL) could be involved in a shootout, while Stevie Johnson (vs. KC), Jamaal Charles (@BUF), and Jimmy Graham (@CAR) all face teams that did not look very good in week one. Schertz will have Eli Manning and Doug Martin going against each other, but his top player, LeSean McCoy, draws a tough defense in the Ravens.

Pick: Harrison Hammers.

Sunday Huddle

I'm inviting you all over for a day of watching football on Sunday, courteous of one of the greatest inventions ever, the Red Zone channel. There has been talk of rotating this Sunday Huddle among a few different people's places, so look for this to be a recurring newsletter section.

If you want to come over, feel free to do so any time after 11:00 on Sunday. Bring anyone you like, but please let me know if you're planning on coming.

Closing Thoughts

Since there are games every Thursday this year, my plan is to have the Gazette go out on Wednesdays. This week is a bit of an anomaly, as I won't have time tomorrow, but I don't plan on very many Tuesday editions.

I'm so glad the NFL is back,

Eddo