The Sanderson Gazette - 2012-09-19 - Onward and Upward
"Just had a shot of Con Blingums with Rabs and Vespa. It was terrible for all of us." - Adam M. Pulley
Week Two Recap
Allen def. Pat, 147.72-108.53:
Well, I don't think any of us saw this coming. Allen's team exploded this week, with Willis McGahee (24.77) and Brent Celek (20.93) leading eight of nine starters into double figures. Pat suffered through Jay Cutler's -3.50 points, despite having two players score exactly 32.53 (Hakeem Nicks and Reggie Bush).
Matt def. Schertz, 103.02-96.54:
In our closest contest of the week, Matt forced Schertz to wait at least another week before recording his first Blingawin. Trent Richardson put up 27.70 for Matt, nicely offsetting Eli Manning's 31.30 for the loser.
Dave def. Richie, 128.35-73.66:
Most other weeks, Dave would be both the biggest surprise and take home Team Blangums, but not this time. C.J. Spiller scored a whopping 30.57 points, and thanks to great support from Cam Newton (26.75) and Vincent Jackson (23.07), Dave was able to cruise to victory. Richie was paced by Philip Rivers (21.10), but undone by Andre Johnson (2.80) and Ahmad Bradshaw (1.60).
Rabbit def. Ed, 103.51-87.47:
Rabbit got solid production from his usual suspects: Arian Foster (21.93), Roddy White (19.60), and A.J. Green (13.73). Meanwhile, my team's ceiling was 16 points, with Reggie Wayne (15.47), Pierre Thomas (15.40), and Martellus Bennett (15.60) just falling short, leaving me in the dust against our reigning champ, who moves to 2-0 on the year.
Rob def. Derrek, 89.85-59.84:
The younger Gross sibling pulled off a rare feat - winning despite having two players on the wrong side of zero (James Jones, -0.13, and Knowshon Moreno, -0.20). Yep, thanks to Dwayne Bowe's 25.60 and Derrek's team's general awfulness (five players at 4.73 and lower), Rob took home a self-proclaimed "lucky" win.
Mike R. def. Pulley, 101.02-68.67:
The hangover from Pullman's Con Blingums shot (someone will have to remind me of the exact ingredients) lasted well into Sunday, as he suffered through a rough week. The best (worst?) example of Pulley's bad luck was Aaron Hernandez, who put up a big fat 0.00 thanks to an injury that now leaves him out for several weeks. Mike got his usual solid outings from Matt Ryan (19.85) and Demaryius Thomas (16.40) on Monday night, and also was helped by a surprising 16.00 from his kicker, Stephen Gostkowski.
Kevin def. Babel, 117.87-81.41:
Kev put together a great week and improved to 2-0, led by Victor Cruz (29.87) and Vernon Davis (21.73). Babel had an unfortunate week, personified nicely by Antonio Gates, who scored 0.00 due to being a late scratch.
Current Standings
Mike R., 2-0, 220.81
Rabbit, 2-0, 219.83
Kevin, 2-0, 210.63
Allen, 1-1, 229.48
Matt, 1-1, 216.40
Dave, 1-1, 213.88
Richie, 1-1, 188.34
Babel, 1-1, 185.35
Derrek, 1-1, 178.63
Rob, 1-1, 174.90
Ed, 1-1, 174.52
Pat, 0-2, 208.57
Pulley, 0-2, 179.29
Schertz, 0-2, 176.73
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: Allen's 147.72 score is the twelfth-highest of all time. Way to go, Doctor.
Slapped Heartbeat: Derrek's 59.84 isn't quite as extreme, but it's pretty brutal - historically, it would only win one of of every thirty matches.
Weekly MVP: How about C.J. Spiller? He scored 30.57 points for Dave, proving last week was no fluke.
Weekly Dud: My new theory is that Jay Cutler is the Green Lantern, and is therefore allergic to the Packers' yellow helmets. They sure bring out the worst in him, as evidenced by this week's -3.20 he scored for Pat.
Week Three Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 2-0, 3rd) vs. Bernard's Bullies (Mike R., 2-0, 1st):
All-time series tied, 2-2.
I'm not sure how many of us expected Kevin and Mike to be two of the three undefeated teams left after week two, but I'm sure they don't care. Unfortunately for them, only one will make it to week four unblemished.
Reasons for optimism - Kevin: Despite his RB's looking shaky on paper, he's notched two wins. And Michael Bush will be getting the carries of a feature back now that Matt Forte is hurt. Tom Brady is also a better fantasy QB than he's shown so far, and Kevin's WRs and TEs (Steve Smith, Victor Cruz, Vernon Davis) are strong to quite strong. Don't think Kevin's 2-0 start is a fluke - his team looks to be in contention for the long haul.
Reasons for optimism - Mike R.: Well, his RBs can't do much worse. Chris Johnson is receiving death threats in Mike's smack talk. Fred Jackson is hurt. Cedric Benson is still Cedric Benson. But Mike put together a good team around them. Matt Ryan is on the verge of having a huge year, while Demaryius Thomas and Jordy Nelson have great QBs throwing to them. I feel like I say this every year, but Mike's team has realistic Sanderson Cup dreams.
Pick: I foresee an epic duel, with Bernard's Bullies earning the victory.
Other Blingamatches
DICK ARMOUR (Richie, 1-1, 7th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 2-0, 2nd):
All-time series tied, 0-0.
There's a bit of history here, despite that 0-0 figure above. Richie, a founding member of what would become the Blingaleague, was replaced by Rabbit in 2008. Also, this is the first game between two teams with "dick" in their name.
Reason for optimism - Richie: Michael Turner's DUI opens the door for Jacquizz Rodgers to shine.
Reason for optimism - Rabbit: He's really damn good at this fantasy football thing.
Pick: Pralines & Dick wins this penis-measuring contest.
Location Nouns (Rob, 1-1, 10th) vs. Camp Hope (Pat, 0-2, 12th):
Rob leads all-time series, 3-0.
Thursday night games are not kind to Pat; Jay Cutler melts down last week, and now Hakeem Nicks is out for tomorrow's game.
Reason for optimism - Rob: Aaron Rodgers doesn't play against his own relative kryptonite, the Bears defense, every week.
Reason for optimism - Pat: The Steelers defense should cruise to 200 total points. Right, D? Seriously, he's got an excellent 1-2 punch at RB, with Ray Rice and Reggie Bush.
Pick: Pat's had tough luck, losing two games despite breakin triple digits both weeks; this week, Camp Hope gets their win, despite a lower score.
Harrison Hammers (Matt, 1-1, 5th) vs. Artifish Iteligents (Babel, 1-1, 8th):
All-time series tied, 2-2.
These two guys are both very gentlemanly.
Reason for optimism - Matt: He's got a solid roster, top-to-bottom, particularly at RB.
Reason for optimism - Babel: His WRs are really rounding into form now that Michael Crabtree appears ready to live up to his draft slot.
Pick: These are two good-looking teams, so I'll take Harrison Hammers in a tossup.
DumbFace 4 President (Dave, 1-1, 6th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 0-2, 14th):
All-time series tied, 0-0.
Can Dave prolong Schertz's losing streak by starting a winning one of his own?
Reason for optimism - Dave: C.J. Spiller has been on fire, and could be playing with the lead all day against the Browns.
Reason for optimism - Schertz: Doug Martin looks like the real deal, with a lot of long-term value.
Pick: Dave relishes in welcome a newbie to the Blingaleague cellar, and Dumbface 4 President moves to 2-1.
Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 0-2, 13th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 1-1, 4th):
Allen leads all-time series, 3-2.
If Rob weren't in this league, I have a suspect Allen might be Pulley's primary target of scorn.
Reason for optimism - Pulley: Beanie Wells has very little chance of losing his job to Ryan Williams.
Reason for optimism - Allen: With the Seahawks' defense looking quite good, Marshawn Lynch should be even more valuable than Allen expected.
Pick: With no Aaron Hernandez for Pulley, I like Optimus Prime to win.
D's Nuts (Derrek, 1-1, 9th) vs. Half of a Horse (Ed, 1-1, 11th):
Derrek leads all-time series, 4-2.
Both D and I could really use a bounce back from the disappointment that was last week.
Reason for optimism - Derrek: It seems like Alex Smith has vindicated D's waiting on a QB - and he goes up against the weak Viking secondary this Sunday.
Reason for optimism - Ed: Ryan Mathews is set to return this week, so at least my RBs should be decent.
Pick: This is a good week to go up against D, as his Viking-heavy roster plays the 49ers, so I'm picking Half of a Horse.
Sunday Huddle
No set plans yet, but I'm more than willing to have people over if you guys want to come. Just reply to the Gazette email, it would be awesome if we got a group together.
Closing Thoughts
Don't forget that there is a game every Thursday this year - that means set your lineup tonight, Allen.
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