The Sanderson Gazette - 2012-11-28 - Late, Dramatic
It's not unexpected that this year's top four teams wound up with week twelve's second- through fifth-best point totals.
The top team, however, might surprise you.
Week Twelve Recap
Mike R. def Ed, 112.36-112.09:
Bernie's first win ever against your dutiful commissioner is the third-slimmest victory of all-time. And surprisingly, I have zero candidates for misplay of the week, as I played my optimal lineup (and Mike was very, very close to playing his). Jordy Nelson's touchdown catch early in the Sunday night game pulled Mike to within a point, and then Nelson's ten-yard garbage time catch - putting the WR at 15.47 total - sealed the win. Neither of us had a player break twenty points, despite our very good scores.
Rabbit def. Derrek, 118.55-107.88:
D had a good week himself, but it wasn't enough to stop Rabbit's quest for a fourth-straight top-two finish. Rabs's 34.65 from Tom Brady trumped Derrek's 29.93 from Dez Bryant, although D's two tight ends (Jermaine Gresham, 11.47, and Owen Daniels, 8.67) easily beat Rabbit's one (Vernon Davis, 0.00). D now finds himself needing a win against his most bitter rival to clinch a playoff spot.
Matt def. Dave, 131.28-100.07:
In our third game between hundred-point scorers, Matt won with a bit more cushion. And this game only looks respectable thanks to one Cam Newton, who put up a whopping 38.50 for Dave against the Eagles' "defense" on Monday night. Matt got 25.07 from Andre Johnson and 25.00 from the New England defense.
Allen def. Richie, 71.82-68.68:
Allen's now in playoff position, but only thanks to his favorable matchup. Our doctor friend would have lost to every other team this week, which is why it's fortunate he played Richie. Our tough-luck expansion team got zeroes from DeMarco Murray and Miles Austin, while Allen took -6.00 from the Green Bay defense.
Pat def. Babel, 98.24-84.83:
Babel could have put himself right there in the playoff hunt with a good week. Alas, it was not meant to be. He got off to a good start, as Calvin Johnson scored 24.67 in the first game of the week, but it all went downhill from there. Pat put up a nice score despite having no twenty-point scorers, being led by Hakeem Nicks's 16.27.
Kevin def. Rob, 101.42-79.30:
Kevin's relatively great week put an end to his six-game losing streak. Tony Romo led the way with 30.75. Rob has now lost nine games in a row.
Schertz def. Pulley, 139.11-92.61:
Despite taking a zero from Brandon Gibson, JuJu put up a huge score this week. That was thanks to Robert Griffin III (28.45), Bryce Brown (27.27), and the Cleveland defense (21.00). Pulley had his own raging disappointment, as Rashard Mendenhall put up -1.40 thanks to a case of fumblitis.
Current Standings
Mike R., 11-1, 1389.70 (*)
Rabbit, 11-1, 1368.80 (*)
Matt, 10-2, 1407.36 (*)
Ed, 8-4, 1227.63 (*)
Derrek, 7-5, 1157.13
Allen, 6-6, 1162.02
Dave, 6-6, 1135.15
Babel, 5-7, 1119.73
Pat, 5-7, 948.45
Schertz, 4-8, 1084.80 (e)
Pulley, 4-8, 1078.07 (e)
Kevin, 4-8, 994.61 (e)
Rob, 2-10, 1161.09 (e)
Richie, 1-11, 956.44 (e)
(*) Clinched playoff berth
(e) Eliminated from playoff contention
Playoff Scenarios
Mike R. has clinched a playoff berth.
Mike R. clinches a first-round bye with:
a win or tie.
Mike R. clinches the #1 overall seed with:
a win AND a Rabbit loss or tie
OR
a tie AND a Rabbit loss.
Rabbit has clinched a playoff berth.
Rabbit clinches a first-round bye with:
a win
OR
a tie AND a Mike R.-Matt tie
OR
a Matt loss.
Rabbit clinches the #1 overall seed with:
a win AND a Mike R. loss or tie
OR
a tie AND a Mike R.-Matt tie.
Matt has clinched a playoff berth.
Matt clinches a first-round bye with:
a win.
Ed has clinched a playoff berth.
Derrek clinches a playoff berth with:
a win or tie
OR
a Dave loss or tie.
Allen clinches a playoff berth with:
a win
OR
a tie AND a Dave loss.
Dave clinches a playoff berth with:
a win AND an Allen loss or tie
OR
a tie AND an Allen loss.
(Schertz, Pulley, Kevin, Rob, and Richie have been elimated from playoff contention.)
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: Mike Schertz (a.k.a. "JuJu") started the year 0-5, being just bad enough to take home three of the first four Slapped Heartbeat awards. Since then, he is 4-3, and has given notice to the rest of the Blingaleague with a robust 139.11 score this week.
Slapped Heartbeat: Richie scored 68.68 points this week.
Start of the Week: Allen smartly played Ryan Broyles (16.80) at flex instead of DeAngelo Williams (2.10). He defeated Richie by a mere 3.14 points.
Pickup of the Week: Make that "pickups": Beanie Wells came off IR and was quickly picked up by Rabbit, who was rewarded with 16.80 points; LeSean McCoy was placed on IR, so Bryce Brown was quickly picked up by Schertz, who was rewarded with 27.27 points.
Week Thirteen Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
D's Nuts (Derrek, 7-5, 5th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 6-6, 6th):
Allen leads all-time series, 6-3.
This is the Blingaleague's most intense rivalry.
Sure, some other rivalries might be between blood relatives. Others might have actual trophies on the line. And others (OK, one other) might even be called the "Clash of Hatred". But none can match the history of Derrek Drenckpohl and Allen Clark, who have faced off more times than any other pair of teams in league history.
And this week's entry into the series has quite a bit on the line. While there's no money on the line (unlike the 2010 third-place game, which featured these two teams), the winner will clinch a playoff spot. (The loser will remain eligible, depending on how Dave, Babel, and Pat do this week.)
At QB, Derrek picked up the new star of the NFL, Colin Kaepernick, who faces the Rams this week,while Allen sends out his stalwart, Drew Brees, who takes on the Falcons. Derrek has Adrian Peterson at RB, and hopes to have Darren McFadden back; Allen has Marshawn Lynch and some options. And they both send out a strong set of WRs.
I am legitimately excited for this game.
Pick: Optimus Prime.
Other Blingamatches
Harrison Hammers (Matt, 10-2, 3rd) vs. Bernard's Bullies (Mike R., 11-1, 1st):
Matt leads all-time series, 4-3.
It's saying something that this is not the Game of the Blingaweek.
To put it simply: the winner of this game gets a bye. Until this year, only three teams had ever reached the ten-win mark. That number is now doubled, and the loser of this game will have the unfortunate distinction of being the only one of the six to play in week fourteen.
As for the game itself: have been overlooking Matt a little bit? He leads the whole league in points, after all.
Pick: Harrison Hammers.
DumbFace 4 President (Dave, 6-6, 7th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 4-8, 12th):
Kevin leads all-time series, 6-1.
Just two weeks ago, Dave looked as if he'd end his playoff drought. Now, he needs help. If Allen beats Derrek, Dave will need to win and outscore D by 22 points. And if Derrek wins, Dave will need to win, tie, or outscore Allen by 27. I think it's safe to say that Dave's playoff hopes rest on Matt Forte's health: Forte's on Dave's roster; Michael Bush is on Kevin's.
Pick: DumbFace 4 President.
Half of a Horse (Ed, 8-4, 4th) vs. Artifish Inteligents (Babel, 5-7, 8th):
Babel leads all-time series, 5-3.
Technically, Babel can still make the playoffs. A lot would have to go right for that to hapen, though. And technically, I can still fall to the #5 seed. A lot would have to go wrong for that to happen, though. Realistically, the Old-School Timberwolves Hat is the only thing on the line between these two longtime rivals.
Pick: Half of a Horse.
Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 11-1, 2nd) vs. Our Doug is a white (Pat, 5-7, 9th):
Rabbit leads all-time series, 5-1.
Allen might have been the luckiest Blingaleaguer this week, but Pat has been the luckiest over the course of the seasons. He's dead last in points, but is actually still alive for a playoff spot. However, unless he scores over 200 points, he won't make it. And even then, would it be too surprising if Rabbit outscored him?
Pick: Pralines & Dick.
DICK ARMOUR (Richie, 1-11, 14th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 4-8, 10th):
All-time series tied, 0-0.
I christen this the ALL-CAPS-vs.-the-all-lowercase Bowl. It's hard to believe that Richie's team, which has now clinched at least a share of the worst record in Blingaleague history, at one time looked like the better of these two expansion teams.
Pick: schertzopotamus.
Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 4-8, 11th) vs. Location Nouns (Rob, 2-10, 13th):
All-time series tied, 4-4.
Hard to believe this rivalry was featured in Blingabowl I.
Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.
Sunday Huddle
Anyone who wants to hang out on Sunday, be my guest.
Closing Thoughts
Thank you to everyone for filling out the year-end survey. Based on the feedback, there might be a follow-up.
Vaya con Blingums,
EWG