The Sanderson Gazette - 2013-11-20 - Muddy. Gross. And awesome
(Gazette title courtesy of Dr. Allen Clark.)
Week Eleven Recap
Schertz def. Matt, 113.07-104.7:
Matt is beatable! Schertz got 19.90 each from Russell Wilson and Matt Forte. Matt had only three scorers in double figures, but Calvin Johnson (35.87) made up for most of that, but didn't score enough to clinch a bye for Matt.
Pulley def. Rabbit, 94.30-81.96:
Rabbit's playoff hopes aren't officially over, but they are on life support. Only Matthew Stafford (24.50) and Chris Johnson (20.33) did anything of note for Mr. Warren. Pulley got a healthy 29.43 from LeSean McCoy and a surprising 18.13 from Delanie Walker, helping him pull into the second bye slot for the time being.
Mike R. def. Ed, 94.28-82.54:
Mike got a solid win, helping cement his playoff spot, thanks to a fairly balanced effort; his high scorer, Demaryius Thomas, only scored 16.13 points. As for me, well, when your defense (Buffalo, 19.00) and kicker (Nick Novak, 12.00) are two of your four highest scorers, you won't win much.
Rob def. Derrek, 112.58-69.76:
Three weeks ago, Rob was stuck in the 4-4 logjam, but now he looks to be in very good playoff position. Antonio Brown's big day (30.80) was of particular importance for Roundhouse this week. Meanwhile, D has now lost three games in a row, and has scored less than 200 points (bitches?) over that stretch.
Kevin def. Pat, 91.01-73.95:
Pat's almost certainly out of the playoffs for another year, as his high scorer was Drew Brees, who had a pedestrian 16.15 points. Kevin's still hanging onto that last playoff spot, though; he was led by Marshawn Lynch's 24.60.
Dave def. Richie, 104.82-65.17:
It's not likely either of these guys makes the playoffs now, but at least Dave's making it interesting. Cam Newton (25.65) had a very good game. Meanwhile, Richie played a kicker on his bye (Greg Zuerlein) and got only 0.27 from Emmanuel Sanders.
Babel def. Allen, 128.65-89.77:
Yahoo's headline for this one is - I shit you not - "Limited Characters Starches Optimus Prime, Adds To Their Pain". How can I top that?
Current Standings
Matt, 9-2, 1293.77 (x)
Pulley, 7-4, 1152.40
Mike R., 7-4, 1095.91
Rob, 7-4, 1095.16
Ed, 6-5, 1168.75
Kevin, 6-5, 1079.91
Schertz, 6-5, 1079.91
Dave, 5-6, 1106.41
Richie, 5-6, 936.64
Derrek, 5-6, 916.41
Rabbit, 4-7, 1131.50
Pat, 4-7, 959.41
Allen, 4-7, 919.60
Babel, 2-9, 1095.13 (e)
(x) Clinched a playoff berth
(e) Eliminated from playoff contention (for real this time)
Playoff Scenarios
Matt has clinched a playoff berth.
Matt clinches a first-round bye with:
a win or tie
OR
a Pulley loss or tie AND a Mike R. loss or tie.
Pulley clinches a playoff berth with:
a win AND an Ed loss or tie
OR
a win AND a Kevin loss or tie
OR
a win AND a Schertz loss or tie
OR
a tie AND an Ed loss
OR
a tie AND a Kevin loss
OR
a tie AND a Schertz loss.
Mike R. clinches a playoff berth with:
a win AND an Ed loss or tie
OR
a win AND a Kevin loss or tie
OR
a win AND a Schertz loss or tie
OR
a tie AND an Ed loss
OR
a tie AND a Kevin loss
OR
a tie AND a Schertz loss.
Rob clinches a playoff berth with:
a win AND an Ed loss or tie
OR
a win AND a Kevin loss or tie
OR
a win AND a Schertz loss or tie
OR
a tie AND an Ed loss
OR
a tie AND a Kevin loss
OR
a tie AND a Schertz loss.
(Babel has been eliminated from playoff contention.)
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: It's still likely that Mark Babel will finish in last place this year, but he's guaranteed himself half his entry fee back. He picks up his second Team Blangums this week with 128.65 points.
Slapped Heartbeat: Richie's 65.17 is embarrassing.
Weekly MVP: Rob got 30.80 from Antonio Brown in a very important win.
Misplay of the Week: I played Percy Harvin's 2.27 over Donal Brown's 21.87, and lost by less than twelve points.
Week Twelve Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
Harrison Hammers (Matt, 9-2, 1st) vs. THRILLHO (Rob, 7-4, 4th):
Matt leads all-time series, 4-2.
Even though Matt just lost, these are still two of the hottest teams in the Blingaleague.
It's almost impossible for Matt to fall out of bye position, let alone first place. He can technically be caught, but he's almost lapping the field in total points, so he should have the tiebreaker with anyone.
A win here keeps Rob in the running for a bye; a loss probably means he'd have to settle for "just" a playoff berth, though he would be in danger of losing even that.
Pick: Harrison Hammers.
Other Blingamatches
Coach Bombay's DD (Dave, 5-6, 8th) vs. San Jose Sharknados (Mike R., 7-4, 3rd):
Mike R. leads all-time series, 3-2.
Bernie will really be hoping he wins this one, otherwise his rivalry game with Matt becomes a do-or-die. And like Rob, with a win here, he also stays in bye contention. Dave is also still alive; he may need to leapfrog two people who are each a game ahead of him, but should he catch them, he'll probably have the points tiebreaker.
Pick: San Jose Sharknados.
Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 7-4, 2nd) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 4-7, 13th):
All-time series tied, 3-3.
Yada-yada-yada, if Pulley wins he can think about getting a bye, but if he loses, he might have to win his rivalry game next week (seriously, how cool is it that the current top four teams consist of two sets of rivals?). But unlike Rob and Mike R., who have stiff competition, Pulley gets to play Allen.
Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.
Half of a Horse (Ed, 6-5, 5th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 4-7, 11th):
Rabbit leads all-time series, 7-1.
A loss will officially eliminate Rabbit, but a win still means he needs a ton of help. A loss would also be devastating to me, though my point total means I still have a good playoff shot if I can beat Babel next week. Also, I've now failed to score 100 points the last three weeks, after starting eight-for-eight.
Pick: Pralines & Dick.
Limited Characters (Babel, 2-9, 14th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 6-5, 6th):
Kevin leads all-time series, 3-2.
Kevin doesn't exactly sit in strong playoff position, but if he just keeps winning - and he's won five of his last six - he'll be in. Babel could potentially break even on this crapfest of season if he wins the next two Team Blangums (and he's done it before, folks).
Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.
D's Nuts (Derrek, 5-6, 10th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 6-5, 7th):
Schertz leads all-time series, 1-0.
JuJu is on the outside looking in, but his future schedule sure looks nicer than his fellow 6-5 teams (particularly mine). So if he can take advantage of that, it looks like he'll sneak into the playoffs. Derrek's also still alive, but his point total (fourteenth out of fourteen) makes it highly unlikely he'll be playing in week fourteen.
Pick: schertzopotamus.
Vinegar Strokes (Pat, 4-7, 12th) vs. DICK ARMOUR (Richie, 5-6, 9th):
Pat leads all-time series, 1-0.
This is the one game this week that doesn't have any real playoff implications. Both are still alive, but hanging by a thread.
Pick: Vinegar Strokes.
Closing Thoughts
Our standings are still symmetrical. How about that?
Eddo