The Sanderson Gazette - 2014-09-24 - The Ghost of Rob Bironas
Did Pulley have help from an old familiar friend?
Week Three Recap
Rob def. Kevin, 102.82-101.88:
Nobody loses like Kevin, do they? This one came down to Monday night, as Rob got 16.00 from the Chicago defense - while Chris Johnson scored only 3.40 against them - to beat his nephew by 0.92 points (the fifteenth-closest game in Blingaleague history). Kevin has now lost both games in which he's scored 100 points and won the only one in which he didn't.
Matt def. Dave, 125.49-107.13:
Is Matt back? Or did he just take advantage of Tampa Bay's ineptitude (Julio Jones, 33.47) more than the Fultz brothers (Matt Ryan, 25.50) did? And while I'm asking questions, how did Matt know to play the Detroit defense (18.00) against the Packers' usually-strong offense?
Pulley def. Pat, 147.33-84.31:
So Pulley is alone at the top after three weeks, thanks mainly to Andrew Luck (34.00) and Antonio Brown (24.00). His lowest scorer was Alfred Morris at 7.70. Quite the team. Pat got 21.45 from Drew Brees, but was overwhelmed by Rob Bironas's favorite Blingalite.
Schertz def. Mike R., 96.28-75.96:
JuJu defeated Bernie in our third-annual Battle of the Mikes. Pierre Garcon, somewhat quietly, put up 24.40 points. Bernie lost all home when the Panthers' defense put up -3.00 on Sunday night.
Babel def. Richie, 129.72-81.70:
Mark had four players with better scores than Richie's highest (DeAndre Hopkins, 15.47). Three of them - Jeremy Maclin (26.53), Victor Cruz (20.27), and Dez Bryant (17.87) were WRs. I read an article earlier wondering what happened to LeSean McCoy this year. I think we all know why he's struggling: he was drafted by Richie.
Rabbit def. Derrek, 112.89-46.68:
Somehow, Derrek actually had a twenty-point scorer (Colin Kaepernick, 20.65) this week, which was just awful. Nick got a stellar 26.13 from Marshawn Lynch in the middle of a very strong week.
Ed def. Allen, 100.87-60.70:
Despite Brandon Marshall's 0.80 points, this one was never in doubt. Rashad Jennings (23.60) is proving to be quite valuable. Allen, meanwhile, got only 5.10 from Matt Stafford, which is a good symbol for his week.
Current Standings
Pulley, 3-0, 398.93
Dave, 2-1, 370.09
Babel, 2-1, 347.82
Rob, 2-1, 319.77
Pat, 2-1, 294.67
Rabbit, 2-1, 290.98
Ed, 2-1, 275.31
Schertz, 2-1, 253.71
Kevin, 1-2, 304.66
Matt, 1-2, 281.62
Mike R., 1-2, 271.55
Allen, 1-2, 241.29
Richie, 0-3, 252.70
Derrek, 0-3, 211.66
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: Pulley's 147.33 will get him his second $10 prize of this young season.
Slapped Heartbeat: Same Blangums as last week, and same Slapped Heartbeat. Derrek managed only 46.68 points.
Weekly MVP: Andrew Lucks' 34.00 is a big part of why Pulley is richer today.
Misplay of the Week: Kevin could have traded Keenan Allen (2.27) to Matt instead of Percy Harvin (5.60), and he'd have one more win.
Week Four Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 3-0, 1st) vs. Harrison Hammers (Matt, 1-2, 10th):
All-time series tied, 3-3.
So this one pits our reigning champ against a guy so in the zone that he could have played a deceased kicker and still won Team Blangums last week.
Expectations for Pulley: At this point, the playoffs at least, and really should be shooting for a bye. And this week, he's got some tasty matchups in Andrew Luck (vs. TEN), Antonio Brown (vs. TAM), and the Colts' defense (vs. TEN).
Expectations for Matt: Does anyone really expect Matt to miss the playoffs? Well, what if he loses this week? He is getting Jamaal Charles (vs. NE) back, so that will help.
Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.
Other Blingamatches
Keep Calm and Le'Veon (Babel, 2-1, 3rd) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 2-1, 8th):
Schertz leads all-time series, 2-0.
Expectations for Babel: Despite having to play Blake Bortles this week, Mark's got a strong team. Dez Bryant (vs. NO) and Le'Veon Bell (vs. TAM) have been about as good a one-two punch of anyone in the Blingaleague, and could very easily lead Babel to the playoffs.
Expectations for Schertz: He's the least impressive of the 2-1 teams, and somehow both his kickers are on bye this week. He can still make the playoffs, but he'll need to get hot.
Pick: Keep Calm and Le'Veon.
Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 2-1, 6th) vs. BANGARANG RUFIO (Dave, 2-1, 2nd):
Rabbit leads all-time series, 5-2.
Expectations for Rabbit: Well, on the surface, he certainly appears to be back to his winning ways.
Expectations for Dave: He scored over 100 in his lone loss this year. After last year's breakthrough, can Dave become a regular playoff team? Is it crazy that I think so?
Pick: BANGARANG RUFIO.
Live Commish (Ed, 2-1, 7th) vs. THRILLHO (Rob, 2-1, 4th):
Ed leads all-time series, 6-2.
Expectations for Ed: Up until this point, this has always been an easy answer - the playoffs. But can I do it this year? If Philip Rivers (vs. JAC) keeps up his early success, yes.
Expectations for Rob: Unknowable. Rob is either going to crash and burn or make the championship.
Pick: Live Commish.
The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 1-2, 9th) vs. Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 1-2, 11th):
All-time series tied, 3-3.
Expectations for Kevin: I hate to say it, but more tough losses. He's actually got a pretty solid team, but hey, this is Kevin. That said, I think he rides Jimmy Graham (@DAL) to a playoff berth.
Expectations for Mike R.: More Rams-related disappointment. But also a rebound from Aaron Rodgers (@CHI). So don't be surprised if Bernie's still standing after week thirteen.
Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.
DICK ARMOUR (Richie, 0-3, 13th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 1-2, 12th):
Allen leads all-time series, 2-0.
Expectations for Richie: Well, not this. It's not like Richie's been particularly successful since he returned to the Blingaleague, but you figure he can beat Allen.
Expectations for Allen: Low.
Pick: DICK ARMOUR.
Vinegar Strokes (Pat, 2-1, 5th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 0-3, 14th):
Derrek leads all-time series, 4-1.
Expectations for Pat: After this week, 3-1. Later? Good question. He's got a top-heavy team, but as Rob's shown in previous years, that can get you quite far.
Expectations for Derrek: He's averaging barely seventy points per week. Maybe he should just shoot for at least one of his players to hit 200 points (bitches). Sorry, I had to.
Pick: Vinegar Strokes.
Closing Thoughts
Enjoy the Gazette this week, guys - it's imported.
Ed