The Sanderson Gazette - 2014-11-20 - Probably
"What I'm saying is, don't expect the Kraken to salute you" - Ed Gross.
Week Eleven Recap
Dave def. Pat, 106.37-103.77:
The Fultz brothers got a very important sixth win thanks to some questionable choices by Pat. He played both Kyle Rudolph (0.00) and Leon Washington (0.00) to cover for bye weeks. Dave got his usual good game from Jordy Nelson (20.53) and a huge contribution from the newly-acquired Aaron Rodgers (31.25).
Richie def. Matt, 96.94-91.32:
Matt could have all but wrapped up a playoff spot, but instead was upset by Richie. Alshon Jeffery's 24.00 paved the way for Mr. Armour, and even Cam Newton (19.60) and LeSean McCoy (11.20) had acceptable scores! Matt got mediocrity from anyone not named "Jamaal Charles" (28.43).
Babel def. Rob, 103.86-81.15:
This one was hotly-contested into Monday night, with Le'Veon Bell (28.80) getting the best of Kendall Wright (9.33), giving Mark a comfortable-looking victory. Rob's playoff clinching has to wait at least a week.
Allen def. Pulley, 77.28-76.15:
Pulley's clinching will also have to wait, while Allen kept his playoff hopes alive. Pulley couldn't get enough from Ben Roethlisberger (7.55) and Antonio Brown (18.13). Allen got another good game from the Arizona defense (13.00). Optimus Prime is lucky he played his optimal lineup, as he needed every point.
Rabbit def. Mike R., 98.8-74.76:
Bernie played his optimal lineup, too, but it fell woefully short of Rabbit's total. Nick got pretty solid all-around performances, with Josh McCown (21.20) providing his high score.
Ed def. Kevin, 93.65-44.61:
I kept my slim playoff chances alive, with Brandon Marshall (24.00) leading the charge. Kevin didn't get anyone in double digits, as Keenan Allen (8.40) put up his top total.
Derrek def. Schertz, 104.02-74.61:
D continued his late-season surge, with his shiny new QB Andrew Luck putting up 21.65 points. Juju's season has fallen to its low point, though Matt Forte (19.43) did what he always does.
Current Standings
There are still a lot of games between the crush of five- and six-win teams, so expect a lot of volatility in these standings.
(b) Rabbit, 9-2, 1238.70 (remaining schedule: Rob, Pat)
Pulley, 7-4, 1247.92 (Schertz, Rob)
Rob, 7-4, 1121.54 (Rabbit, Pulley)
Dave, 6-5, 1220.79 (Babel, Kevin)
Babel, 6-5, 1159.44 (Dave, Ed)
Matt, 6-5, 1124.92 (Ed, Mike R.)
Mike R., 5-6, 1057.35 (Derrek, Matt)
Ed, 5-6, 1022.76 (Matt, Babel)
Schertz, 5-6, 991.61 (Pulley, Richie)
Derrek, 5-6, 981.92 (Mike R., Allen)
Allen, 5-6, 964.66 (Pat, Derrek)
Pat, 4-7, 1002.88 (Allen, Rabbit)
Richie, 4-7, 984.66 (Kevin, Schertz)
(e) Kevin, 3-8, 1000.46 (Richie, Dave)
(b) - clinched a first-round bye
(e) - eliminated from playoff contention
Playoff Scenarios
Rabbit has clinched a first-round bye.
Rabbit clinches the #1 overall seed with:
- a win or tie
OR
- a Pulley loss or tie AND a Rob loss or tie.
Pulley clinches a playoff berth with:
- a win or tie.
Rob clinches a playoff berth with:
- a win or tie
OR
- a Mike R./Derrek tie AND an Ed loss or tie AND a Schertz loss or tie AND an Allen loss or tie.
Dave clinches a playoff berth with:
- a win AND a Mike R./Derrek tie AND an Ed loss or tie AND a Schertz loss or tie AND an Allen loss or tie.
Babel clinches a playoff berth with:
- a win AND a Mike R./Derrek tie AND an Ed loss or tie AND a Schertz loss or tie AND an Allen loss or tie.
Matt clinches a playoff berth with:
- a win AND a Mike R./Derrek tie AND a Schertz loss or tie AND an Allen loss or tie.
(Kevin has been eliminated from playoff contention.)
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: The Fultz brothers' 106.37 is the lowest Team Blangums of all time.
Slapped Heartbeat: Kevin's 44.61 is the ninth-lowest score in history.
Weekly MVP: Aaron Rodgers's 31.25 got Dave a good win and $10.
Start of the Week: Allen played John Carlson (4.93) over Ladadius Green (1.47), which gave him enough points to edge out Pulley.
Misplay of the Week: Pulley lost by 1.13, but left Colin Kaepernick (15.05) on his bench and played Ben Roethlisberger (7.55).
Week Twelve Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
BANGARANG RUFIO (Dave, 6-5, 4th) vs. Keep Calm & Le'Veon (Babel, 6-5, 5th):
Babel leads all-time series, 5-1.
Dave still plays: Kevin.
Babel still plays: Ed.
This game might not actually be quite so important, given that one win by each of these guys probably gets them into the playoffs. That does mean, however, that losing this week puts them in a do-or-die rivalry situation.
Dave's point total is high enough that he has a somewhat-realistic hope for a bye; if he wins out and neither Pulley nor Rob do, he could snag the #2 seed behind Rabbit.
As for this game itself, I'm going to go with Aaron Rodgers (@MIN) over Russell Wilson (vs. ARI).
Pick: BANGARANG RUFIO.
Other Blingamatches
Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 5-6, 7th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 5-6, 10th):
All-time series tied, 4-4.
Mike R. still plays: Matt.
Derrek still plays: Allen.
For all intents and purposes, this is an elimination game. While from a technical perspective, that's not true, due to the gap in points between the worst 6-5 and the best 5-6 teams (Matt and Mike R., respectively), it's very unlikely that either Bernie or D can win a tiebreaker against any of the teams currently in playoff position. And Derrek is so far behind that even winning out might not get him in.
Pick: D's Nuts.
Live Commish (Ed, 5-6, 8th) vs. Harrison Hammers (Matt, 6-5, 6th):
Matt leads all-time series, 6-3.
Ed still plays: Babel.
Matt still plays: Mike R.
Based on the aforementioned total point situation, Matt basically has to lose out to miss the playoffs. And, appropriately, I would have to win out to make them.
Pick: Live Commish.
Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 7-4, 2nd) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 5-6, 9th):
All-time series tied, 1-1.
Pulley still plays: Rob.
Schertz still plays: Richie.
Mike's on a five-game losing streak. Pulley's on a three-gamer of his own. Pulley's missing his best player, Antonio Brown.
Pick: schertzopotamus.
Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 9-2, 1st) vs. THRILLHO (Rob, 7-4, 3rd):
All-time series tied, 4-4.
Rabbit still plays: Pat.
Rob still plays: Pulley.
Look at that schedule for Rob; he has legitimate reason to fear missing the playoffs (though he should be OK on the total points tiebreaker).
Pick: THRILLHO.
Vinegar Strokes (Pat, 4-7, 12th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 5-6, 11th):
Allen leads all-time series, 4-2.
Pat still plays: Rabbit.
Allen still plays: Derrek.
Here's what has to happen for Allen to make the playoffs: Allen wins out; Derrek beats Mike R.; either Babel or Matt loses out; Allen makes up roughly 200 points on Babel and/or Matt, and roughly 100 on Mike R. and/or Ed. (Schertz losing out would help, too.) It would be fitting for Allen to make the playoffs in this crazy season.
Pick: Optimus Prime.
The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 3-8, 14th) vs. DICK ARMOUR (Richie, 4-7, 13th):
All-time series tied, 1-1.
Kevin still plays: Dave.
Richie still plays: Schertz.
These guys are playing out the string, now. It would be good for morale to win out, though.
Pick: DICK ARMOUR.
Closing Thoughts
Week eleven was the seventh-lowest-scoring week in Blingaleague history. Let's move on, guys.
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