The Sanderson Gazette - 2014-12-03 - Unsurprisingly
Rivalry week went as expected. Now, onto the playoffs!
Week Thirteen Recap
Babel def. Ed, 144.87-115.70:
Despite Babel's high score (33rd-highest ever) and comfortable margin of victory, this matchup was temporarily disappointing and quite tense. At roughly 2:00 on Sunday, it seemed like neither one of our teams could score a touchdown. But Philip Rivers (29.05) and the St. Louis defense (35.00) went crazy for me, while Le'Veon Bell (36.70) scored over ten points in a one-minute span for Babel. C.J. Anderson's 25.07 in the night game salted this one away, sending Mark to the postseason.
Matt def. Mike R., 109.65-94.58:
Matt emerged victorious in our other win-and-in game, despited getting a big zero from his tight end, Zach Ertz. Drew Brees (31.85) and Julio Jones (31.20) more than made up for it, and once Eric Decker (2.40) failed to dominate Percy Harvin (3.50) on Monday night, this one was official. Yes, a playoff spot came down to a battle of Jets.
Pulley def. Rob, 131.65-86.62:
The Clash of Hatred got out of hand quickly this year. Pulley got 29.55 and 26.93 from Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown scoring meaningless touchdowns. Outside of the Vikings' defense's two blocked punts and 26.00 points, Rob got almost nothing.
Allen def. Derrek, 113.24-106.77:
Allen won despite getting 0.13 from Ladarius Green and 0.27 from Steve Smith, Sr. It helps when your opponent plays two zeroes (Roddy White and Jerick McKinnon).
Kevin def. Dave, 103.22-95.60:
Yep, Kevin has his cousin's number. Dave could have vaulted into third place with a win, but instead couldn't get it done. Aaron Rodgers's 25.60 was offset by Joe Flacco's 25.55, and Keenan Allen's 28.13 delivered the victory for our last-place team.
Rabbit def. Pat, 79.55-70.82:
Rabs finishes the regular season in first place, but this was not a pretty victory. T.Y. Hilton's 14.27 led the way for Nick. Pat was undone by Kansas City's -1.00.
Richie def. Schertz, 92.91-52.47:
Richie finished off his year-end hot streak thanks to Alshon Jeffery's 21.47 and LeSean McCoy's 19.90. Schertz, meanwhile, ends his year on a seven-game losing streak. Oof.
Final Standings
(z) Rabbit, 10-3, 1432.70
(b) Pulley, 9-4, 1481.40
(*) Rob, 8-5, 1337.35
(*) Dave, 7-6, 1421.71
(*) Babel, 7-6, 1407.53
(*) Matt, 7-6, 1318.81
(e) Mike R., 6-7, 1265.98
(e) Ed, 6-7, 1258.88
(e) Richie, 6-7, 1193.3
(e) Allen, 6-7, 1147.57
(e) Pat, 5-8, 1181.86
(e) Derrek, 5-8, 1159.64
(e) Schertz, 5-8, 1133.75
(e) Kevin, 4-9, 1206.66
(*) - clinched a playoff berth
(b) - clinched a first round bye
(z) - clinched regular season championship
(e) - eliminated from playoff contention
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: Babel's 144.87 earned him his fourth week thirteen Team Blangums award, more than the rest of the league combined.
Slapped Heartbeat: Schertz's 52.47 is quite the cherry on top of his shitty year.
Weekly MVP: Le'Veon Bell's 36.70 was the top contributor to Babel's big week.
Dud of the Week: Jimmy Graham was targeted zero times for Rob, and thus, scored 0.00.
Season Postmortems
Kevin Pattermann (The Chocolate Donuts, 4-9, 14th):
Kevin might have hit rock bottom this year, but at least he got a Team Blangums prize out of it. And as far as last-place finishes go, this one's not so bad, historically; in 2013, Allen only had 3.498 expected wins.
Expected wins: 5.798.
Mike Schertz (schertzopotamus, 5-8, 13th):
Juju was 5-1 at one point, and the playoffs were calling. He didn't win another game. And yet, he won a Team Blangums. (Not-so-fun fact: the only two non-playoff teams that won Team Blangums finished in 13th and 14th).
Expected wins: 4.574.
Derrek Drenckpohl (D's Nuts, 5-8, 12th):
This is a season for D to forget. He had never finished worse than 7th before, but hung around the basement all season.
Expected wins: 5.184.
Pat Gawne (Vinegar Strokes, 5-8, 11th):
This was a standard Pat Gawne season. He kind of hung around for a while, but never really threatened seriously for a playoff spot.
Expected wins: 5.473.
Allen Clark (Optimus Prime, 6-7, 10th):
Speaking of standard seasons, this was Allen in a nutshell. He finished second-to-last in points, but still somehow finished only a game out of the playoffs. But for a change, he's got a nice potential keeper in Tre Mason (13th-round cost next year).
Expected wins: 4.785.
Richie Armour (DICK ARMOUR, 6-7, 9th):
Richie improved his finish for the second straight season. After starting 0-5, he won six of eight, including his last three. Maybe he's got something good brewing for 2015?
Expected wins: 5.337.
Ed Gross (Live Commish, 6-7, 8th):
And so, a six-year playoff streak ends. A three-game losing streak - during which I broke 100 twice - starting in week six killed my season. As a frustrating note, my week thirteen score would have made the playoffs over 80% of the time. But on balance, I got what I deserved.
Expected wins: 6.430.
Mike Romor (Bernie's Bullies, 6-7, 7th):
Bernie couldn't make the playoffs for the third straight season, but he stayed alive until the bitter end. Weirdly, Mike had only one two-game losing streak and one two-game winning streak.
Expected wins: 6.386.
Quarterfinals Preview
#4 BANGARANG RUFIO (Dave, 7-6) vs. #5 Keep Calm and Le'Veon (Babel, 7-6:
Babel leads all-time series, 5-2.
This marks the first time ever than Dave and Mark will play twice in one year.
Dave has the advantage at QB, with Aaron Rodgers's Packers hosting Atlanta. Mark will send out Russell Wilson (@PHI).
Dave also has the WR advantage, though that's not a slam dunk. Jordy Nelson (vs. ATL) and A.J. Green (vs. PIT) are studs, but Babel can send out his own dynamic duo, Jeremy Maclin (vs. SEA) and Dez Bryant (@CHI).
So Babel will have to hope his all-everything RB (and namesake), Le'Veon Bell (@CIN), can have another big game. And even then, will it be enough? Or will the Fultzes advance to the semis for the first time?
Pick: BANGARANG RUFIO.
#3 Pulley Sucks (Rob, 8-5) vs. #6 Harrison Hammers (Matt, 7-6):
Matt leads all-time series, 7-2.
Our other quarterfinal game is a rematch of last year's Blingabowl. Matt won that matchup, but could just barely sneak into the playoffs this year.
If Matt wants to win his third straight Sanderson Cup, he'll need DeSean Jackson (vs. STL) and Andre Ellington (vs. KC) to show minimal lingering effects from their week thirteen injuries.
On the other side, if Rob hopes to make the semis for the second consecutive year, he'll need the usually-reliable Peyton Manning (vs. BUF) and Jimmy Graham (vs. CAR) to bounce back from disastrous games of their own.
Yahoo projects a mere 0.09-point difference in this one.
Pick: THRILLHO.
Closing Thoughts
So who's all up for a Blingabowl VII get-together/watch party?
Eddo