The Sanderson Gazette - 2015-10-14 - Monster Heel

"I'm very upset that Collinsworth refuses to discuss my heartbreaking loss in favor of this stupid game." - Rob, taking his loss well.

"I have hit the bottom of the barrel. Twitter is now recommending who i should follow based on who rob gross follows." - Richie, taking his victory better.

Week Five Recap

Richie def. Rob, 132.84-131.32:

Let's start with the source of our opening quotes. Going into the Sunday night game, Rob was up by over 21 points, and in true heel fashion, was boisterous. But then Odell Beckham, Jr., scored 22.43 for Richie, pushing the latter to victory. DeAndre Hopkins (22.53), Devonta Freeman (27.17), and Blake Bortles (25.25) had big games for Rob, while Trevor Rawls (22.90) and Julian Edelman (22.00) did well for Mr. Armour.

Allen def. Dave, 92.66-84.51:

Bernie pointed out that a Dave loss is good for the rest of the contenders, and he's right. So we should all thank Allen - and Antonio Gates, whose 24.27 points on Monday night got the good doctor a comeback win of his own. Dave was led by the Denver defense (22.00).

Derrek def. Schertz, 97.49-84.98:

D pulled off this week's biggest upset, thanks primarily to Allen Robinson (21.60). And that was despite a non-injury zero from Owen Daniels. Schertz couldn't make it to 4-1, as Sam Bradford (20.95) was his only twenty-point scorer.

Pulley def. Rabbit, 113.08-104.66:

Our other Jaguars receiver (Allen Hurns, 21.47) owner, Rabs, failed to earn a win, but that's more due to Pulley having a good bounceback week. Tom Brady scored 23.05 and Justin Forsett scored 24.63 for the Pullman, moving him into first place overall.

Babel def. Kevin, 117.92-77.33:

Doug Martin's 34.97 paced Mark. Add in Philip Rivers's 22.25 and Le'Veon Bell's 19.23, and this one became a blowout. Kevin had only one double-digit scorer - Green Bay's defense, 23.00 - and suffered an even worse loss: Jamaal Charles (9.27) has been placed on IR with a torn ACL.

Ed def. Matt, 104.65-87.72:

Andy Dalton's 26.35 against the Seahawks propelled me to victory against our new Monster Heel. Along with Dalton, Willie Snead's 18.80 helped turn this close game into a comfortable W. Matt got 16.27 from James Jones and a somewhat-surprising 15.35 from Jameis Winston, but it wasn't enough to stay undefeated.

Mike R. def. Pat, 80.54-37.04:

Pass.

Current Standings

  1. Pulley, 4-1, 562.91

  2. Mike R., 4-1, 517.75

  3. Matt, 4-1, 511.58

  4. Ed, 3-2, 490.52

  5. Schertz, 3-2, 466.02

  6. Dave, 2-3, 569.69

  7. Rob, 2-3, 562.27

  8. Babel, 2-3, 549.94

  9. Richie, 2-3, 516.19

  10. Kevin, 2-3, 443.43

  11. Rabbit, 2-3, 436.92

  12. Allen, 2-3, 410.75

  13. Derrek, 2-3, 379.87

  14. Pat, 1-4, 368.15

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums: Richie will be $10 richer come season's end, getting his first Team Blangums ever this week with 132.84 points.

Slapped Heartbeat: Pat's 37.04 is the second-lowest score of all time. It's also his own second-lowest score of all time.

Weekly MVP: Doug Martin, where did that come from? The Tampa Bay RB put up 34.97 for Babel.

Dud of the week: Lots of tight ends to choose from, so this is reader's choice: Coby Fleener (1.20) for Rob, Charles Clay (0.93) for Dave, Clay Harbor (0.00) for Kevin, or Owen Daniels (0.00) for Derrek.

Misplay of the Week: Rob played the aforementioned Coby Fleener (1.20) over Gary Barnidge (24.53), and lost by less than two points.

Pickup of the Week: Rarely is this such an obvious award. Richie picked up Derek Carrier, and was rewarded with 9.60 points.

Week Six Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 4-1, 1st) vs. Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 4-1, 2nd):

Mike R. leads all-time series, 5-3.

The Thursday night game could go a long way towards determining if Bernie can move into first place. He'll have Matt Ryan and Leonard Hankerson going for the Falcons, and Mark Ingram playing for the Saints.

Meanwhile, Pulley has Tom Brady at Indianapolis. That will either be a huge game for Brady, or a disappointing one, as the Patriots have favored running the ball against the Colts lately.

These are probably the two deepest rosters in the league this year. I'm excited for this matchup.

Pick: Bernie's Bullies.

Other Blingamatches

Harrison Hammers (Matt, 4-1, 3rd) vs. Super Bash Bros. (Dave, 2-3, 6th):

Matt leads all-time series, 7-1.

Cam Newton's back for Matt, but he's at Seattle. That said, Andy Dalton just killed Matt last week against the same Seahawks defense. Meanwhile, Dave has Aaron Rodgers, looking to bounce back against the Chargers. You could switch these teams' records and no one would be surprised, I feel.

Pick: Super Bash Bros.

Live Commish (Ed, 3-2, 4th) vs. Bent Over by Beckham (Rob, 2-3, 7th):

Ed leads all-time series, 6-3.

If Rob wins, it will almost certainly be because one or both of Devonta Freeman (@NO) or Blake Bortles (vs. HOU) explodes. My team is a lot deeper, though, and I also have Rob Gronkowski (@IND).

Pick: Live Commish.

Keep Calm and Le'Veon (Babel, 2-3, 8th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 3-2, 5th):

Schertz leads all-time series, 3-0.

Surprising stat of the week: Babel's never beaten JuJu. Mark's WRs are strong right now, as he sends out A.J. Green (@BUF), Randall Cobb (vs. SD), and Jeremy Maclin (@MIN). Schertz has some good RBs, though: T.J. Yeldon (vs. HOU) and Arian Foster (@JAC).

Pick: Keep Calm and Le'Veon.

Dread Pirate Kelly (Richie, 2-3, 9th) vs. Vinegar Strokes (Pat, 1-4, 14th):

Pat leads all-time series, 3-0.

Richie's coming off a Team Blangums, but to really prove he's for real, he has to beat Pat. And if Babel has a good WR corps, how can we describe Richie's? He'll be starting Odell Beckham, Jr. (@PHI), Larry Fitzgerald (@PIT), and Julian Edelman (@IND). Meanwhile, Pat's best WR - Mike Evans - is on bye.

Pick: Dread Pirate Kelly.

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 2-3, 10th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 2-3, 13th):

Derrek leads all-time series, 6-1.

A.K.A. Clay Harbor (vs. HOU) vs. Owen Daniels (@CLE).

Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.

Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 2-3, 11th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 2-3, 12th):

Rabbit leads all-time series, 4-3.

Allen just had a comeback win. Rabs just lost late to Pulley. Rabs gets Marshawn Lynch (vs. CAR) back; will he get all the carries for Seattle? Or will Russell Wilson (vs. CAR) carry the load and win this one for Allen?

Pick: Pralines & Dick.

Closing Thoughts

You like those quotes at the top? They happen in the Blingachat. Come join us!

Eddo