The Sanderson Gazette - 2015-11-18 - Coolio Included

Rob: Our trivia just included a Leon Redbone song on its "name that song" round. We got it wrong.

Babel: You don't deserve the signed record.

Mike R.: Today is just tragic for Babel.

Babel: Thank you for understanding.

Week Ten Recap

Allen def. Babel, 67.81-61.63:

This was the fourth lowest-scoring week in Blingaleague history, and this game was the standard. Jay Cutler scored 25.30 for Allen, while Babel was paced by Sam Bradford's 11.80. Eddie Lacy was inactive and scored 0.00 for the victor, who also got -1.00 from the Rams defense. Babel got less than one point (0.90) from C.J. Anderson.

Schertz def. Mike R., 95.99-60.43:

The Battle of the Mikes was another low-scoring affair, with Schertz taking the win and moving into one of the two bye slots. Antonio Brown - who else? - scored 32.53 points for JuJu, while Joe Flacco added 22.50. Bernie got 29.20 from Kirk Cousins, but Emmanuel Sanders was a victim of Petyon Manning's no-good, very bad day, putting up a big fat zero.

Rabbit def. Kevin, 127.69-74.23:

Kevin's nightmare season continued, even though his 74.23 would have beaten a whopping six teams this week. His actual opponent, however, had a score that did beat all thirteen other teams. Charcandrick West scored 31.17 for Rabs, who had no one below 10.27 points (Richard Rodgers).

Richie def. Matt, 120.42-77.09:

You could call Matt's loss tough, given that he finished in the top half in points. But 77.09 isn't exactly good; it wins less than 19% of the time, historically. Anyway, Richie got a huge win, thanks primarily to Rob Gronkowski (21.07) and Carson Palmer (20.95), but still sits just outside the playoffs.

Pulley def. Pat, 118.36-63.95:

Pulley clinched a playoff spot behind 28.03 from Adrian Peterson and Tom Brady (18.60). Pat's former league MVP, Peyton Manning, did just a bit worse; Manning's -8.25 is one of the lowest scores in Blingaleague history.

Rob def. Derrek, 107.29-65.63:

The Packers might be stumbling in real life, but Aaron Rodgers (22.45) is still putting up good fantasy scores for Rob. Throw in Todd Gurley's 16.37 and Gary Barnidge's 14.67 and Rob defeated D comfortably. The Steelers defense (200 points, bitches!) did score 16.00 for Derrek.

Dave def. Ed, 98.78-60.26:

The Fultz Brothers move into the last playoff spot on the strength of their total points, which has been made possible the past few weeks due to Jeremy Langford (33.83). The Broncos defense - once worth trading a real position player for - did score -2.00 for Dave. Meanwhile, after Odell Beckham, Jr.'s 19.87, I got jack squat.

Current Standings

  1. (*) Pulley, 9-1, 1199.75

  2. Schertz, 7-3, 1003.12

  3. Mike R., 7-3, 962.92

  4. Rob, 6-4, 1129.1

  5. Matt, 6-4, 1050.66

  6. Dave, 5-5, 1076.77

  7. Richie, 5-5, 1070.34

  8. Rabbit, 5-5, 1006.26

  9. Derrek, 5-5, 855.85

  10. Babel, 4-6, 956.84

  11. Ed, 3-7, 895.92

  12. Pat, 3-7, 820.43

  13. Allen, 3-7, 777.08

  14. (e) Kevin, 2-8, 814.99

(*) Clinched playoff berth.

(e) Eliminated from playoff contention.

Playoff Scenarios

Pulley has clinched a playoff berth.

Pulley clinches a first-round bye with:

  • a win AND a Schertz loss or tie

OR

  • a win AND a Mike R. loss or tie

OR

  • a tie AND a Schertz loss

OR

  • a tie AND a Mike R. loss.

Pulley clinches the #1 overall seed with:

  • a win AND a Schertz loss or tie AND a Mike R. loss or tie

OR

  • a tie AND a Schertz loss AND a Mike R. loss.

Schertz clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win AND a Dave/Derrek tie

OR

  • a win AND a Richie/Rabbit tie.

Mike R. clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win AND a Dave/Derrek tie

OR

  • a win AND a Richie/Rabbit tie.

(Kevin has been eliminated from playoff contention.)

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums: Rabbit's 127.69 is the lowest Team Blangums score of the year, but he'll take the $10.

Slapped Heartbeat: You won't win many games - less than one in twenty - if you score only 60.26 points. I take a sad, sad Slapped Heartbeat this week.

Weekly MVP: Charcandrick West came through big for Rabs, scoring 31.17 and contributing to Team Blangums.

Dud of the Week: Peyton Manning, -8.25. How the mighty have fallen.

Misplay of the Week: Babel lost by 6.18 points. He played C.J. Anderson's 0.90 over Ronnie Hillman's 11.40, and has no room for error if he wants to make the playoffs.

Blessed Cahoots: Allen left the injured Eddie Lacy in the lineup, but Babel couldn't even get twelve points from a single player. Dr. Clark can breathe a sigh of relief and say, "Blessed cahoots."

Le'Veon Bell Story Time

(Mike R. reports.)

A coworker went to MSU and was friends with some of the football team, including Le'Veon.

My coworker is a big, big fan of Catchphrase. So, one night Le'Veon joined a group of people for a friendly game of Catchphrase.

Le'Veon Bell is better at football than he is at Catchphrase. As a member of my coworker's team, Le'Veon lost the game for them. You may be thinking, "Maybe he got a tricky word, like 'Apricot.'" But no, he lost on the word "Thanksgiving," because the only thing he could think to say (repeatedly) was "You fall asleep."

My coworker is still angry about this, three years later.

Week Eleven Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Dread Pirate Kelly (Richie, 5-5, 7th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 5-5, 8th):

Rabbit leads all-time series, 3-0.

Richie's remaining schedule: Mike R., Schertz.

Rabbit's remaining schedule: Babel, Pat.

Rabbit's remaining schedule is relatively easy and Richie's is brutal, so a Richie victory in this one wouldn't really settle anything. Both are coming off 120-point weeks, as well.

Richie's top players - Carson Palmer (vs. CIN), Larry Fitzgerald (vs. CIN), Rob Gronkowski (vs. BUF), Alshon Jeffery (vs. DEN), and Matt Jones (@CAR) - all have tough matchups this week. At least DeMarco Murray (vs. TAM) and Jonathan Stewart (vs. WAS) have better ones. And wow, his team looks impressive on paper.

Rabbit is currently set to start Matt Hasselbeck (@ATL).

Pick: Dread Pirate Kelly.

Other Blingamatches

Super Bash Bros. (Dave, 5-5, 6th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 5-5, 9th):

Derrek leads all-time series, 6-1.

Dave's remaining schedule: Pat, Kevin.

Derrek's remaining schedule: Pulley, Allen.

Look at that remaining schedule and that point total; Dave is going to make the playoffs. Derrek will probably have to win two of three to get in, and two of those three are two of the top three teams in points. Yikes.

Pick: Super Bash Bros.

Harrison Hammers (Matt, 6-4, 5th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 7-3, 2nd):

Matt leads all-time series, 2-1.

Matt's remaining schedule: Kevin, Mike R.

Schertz's remaining schedule: Rob, Richie.

This is our only game between current top-six teams, and it should be a good one. Schertz has bye week hopes, but his remaining schedule is really rough, so he could really use a win here. Matt's lost four of his last six, and a loss could slide him all the way to seventh. Lamar Miller (vs. DAL) and Cam Newton (vs. WAS) might have to carry Matt all the way this week, while Schertz will bet on Joe Flacco putting up numbers like Jay Cutler did vs. STL.

Pick: Harrison Hammers.

Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 9-1, 1st) vs. Keep Calm & Le'Veon (Babel, 4-6, 10th):

Babel leads all-time series, 6-5.

Pulley's remaining schedule: Derrek, Rob.

Babel's remaining schedule: Rabbit, Ed.

Our reigning champ is having a disappointing season, to say the least, but he can still play spoiler to two playoff hopefuls. Well, Pulley's no longer simply hopeful, and has all but locked up a bye.

Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.

Live Commish (Ed, 3-7, 11th) vs. Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 7-3, 3rd):

All-time series tied, 4-4.

Ed's remaining schedule: Allen, Babel.

Mike R.'s remaining schedule: Richie, Matt.

Mike can clinch a playoff berth this week if some crazy shit happens, but he could very easily slide out of the playoffs if he can't outscore me. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to recall days when I was 3-2 and break an awful five-game losing streak.

Pick: Bernie's Bullies.

Bent Over by Beckham (Rob, 6-4, 4th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 2-8, 14th):

Rob leads all-time series, 7-2.

Rob's remaining schedule: Schertz, Pulley.

Kevin's remaining schedule: Matt, Dave.

Rob's second overall in points. His reward? Playing the top two seeds in weeks twelve and thirteen. At least he gets #14 first.

Pick: Bent Over by Beckham.

Vinegar Strokes (Pat, 3-7, 12th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 3-7, 13th):

Allen leads all-time series, 4-3.

Pat's remaining schedule: Dave, Rabbit.

Allen's remaining schedule: Ed, Derrek.

Pick: Vinegar Strokes.

Closing Thoughts

We can all do better than week ten.

EWG