The Sanderson Gazette - 2015-12-31 - Poolay
"Richie, I assume you haven't commented on the Kelly firing yet because you're too busy running down a crowded street hugging everyone you see in tearful joy." - Rob.
Blingabowl VIII Recap
Pulley def. Schertz, 114.66-62.07:
For the second straight week, Pulley's opponent had his worst week of the season. But this week, that didn't matter; the Pullman set the Blingaleague record with his fourteenth win of the season, and Sandy is back in the hands of her first winner.
Third-Place Game Recap
Rob def. Richie, 122.09-103.92:
Kirk Cousins's 33.85 and Tim Hightower's 30.47 were key in earning Rob $43. Yes, Kirk Cousins and Tim Hightower.
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: Rob, 122.09.
Slapped Heartbeat: Schertz, 62.07.
Weekly MVP: Kirk Cousins, 33.85.
Weekly Dud: Ben Roehtlisberger, for Schertz, 3.60.
Annual MVP: This is a weird one, as Pulley really didn't have a single standout performer. I'm actually going to go with DeAndre Hopkins, who propelled Rob's team all year.
Annual Dud: Eddie Lacy was the #2 overall pick by Allen, and never consistently produced.
Season Postmortems
Mike Schertz (schertzopotamus, 10-5, 2nd):
JuJu's first playoff berth ever came with a bye, and he used that to his advantage, taking one quick win and playing for the Sanderson Cup. But alas, his Steeler-heavy team picked the wrong week to crap the bed. His key player? Michael Crabtree, who finally paid off as a late-round keeper.
Expected wins: 6.292.
Adam Pulley (Pullman's MondoSquad, 14-1, 1st):
What can I say? No one has ever made it through a season with only one loss. And Pulley's team looks almost nothing like it did post-draft (really, only Calvin Johnson and Travis Kelce were there all year). Pulley broke 100 eleven times in the regular season, with only a week four super-dud (57.50) against Matt and a week eleven super-close win (76.34-76.00) over Babel as his blemishes. Every other game was at least 65% to win, compared to historical Blingaleague results. Wow.
Expected wins: 9.582.
Final Standings
Pulley
Schertz
Rob
Richie
Matt
Mike R.
Derrek
Dave
Pat
Babel
Rabbit
Ed
Allen
Kevin
Final Payouts
(First-second-third pays out $258-$129-$43.)
Pulley: $268 (first place plus one Blangums)
Schertz: $139 (second place plus one Blangums)
Rob: $73 (third place plus three Blangums)
Richie: $20 (two Blangums)
Matt: $20 (two Blangums)
Derrek: $10 (one Blangums)
Dave: $10 (one Blangums)
Rabbit: $10 (one Blangums)
Ed: $10 (one Blangums)
Blingapower Rankings
(Overall records include regular season games only.)
A new metric this year: Robscore! Formulated by one Rob Gross, Robscore counts 1.00 for making the playoffs, an extra 0.25 for getting a bye, an extra 0.25 for finishing first in the regular season, an extra 0.25 for finishing in third place in the playoffs, an extra 0.5 for finishing second, and an extra 1.00 for winning the Sanderson Cup.
14. Kevin Pattermann (last year: 11th)
2015: 3-10, 1051.79, 14th
Overall record: 43-61 (.413, 12th)
Best finish: 5th (2009)
Worst finish: 14th (2014, 2015)
Playoff appearances: 2
Robscore: 2.00
Sliding Kevin to last might seem harsh, but not only has no one else ever finished last two years in a row, no one else has even finished last twice, period.
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans - good enough for the playoffs for a while, but presently a trainwreck.
13. Pat Gawne (last year: 14th)
2015: 6-7, 1121.76, 9th
Overall record: 35-56 (.387, T-13th)
Best finish: 5th (2009)
Worst finish: 12th (2010, 2013)
Playoff appearances: 0
Robscore: 0.00
Pat certainly hasn't run a successful Blingaleague franchise, but the seeds are there. Since his disastrous 3-10 2010 season, he's managed at least five wins every year, avoiding the cellar each time.
NFL equivalent: Pat's still the Raiders, but for the first time, that doesn't sound so bad.
12. Allen Clark (last year: 10th)
2015: 4-9, 1015.46, 13th
Overall record: 48-56 (.462, 10th)
Best finish: 4th (2010)
Worst finish: 14th (2013)
Playoff appearances: 3
Robscore: 3.00
Like Kevin, Allen's fallen on tough times lately, after being a quasi-contender for several years.
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers.
11. Derrek Drenckpohl (last year: 9th)
2015: 7-6, 1165.57, 7th
Overall record: 55-49 (.529, 6th)
Best finish: 3rd (2009, 2010)
Worst finish: 12th (2014)
Playoff appearances: 4
Robscore: 4.50
Derrek nearly squeaked into the playoffs this year, but was fourth-worst in points (and even that was boosted by a week-thirteen explosion). He hasn't been a trueu contender in several years. (Bonus fun fact: D's week thirteen Team Blangums was his first in over six years (week four, 2009).)
NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills.
10. Richie Armour (last year: 13th)
2015: 7-6, 1377.88, 4th
Overall record: 20-32 (.385, T-13th)
Best finish: 4th (2015)
Worst finish: 14th (2012)
Robscore: 1.00
Richie's overall record is skewed by his awful 1-12 expansion campaign; since then he's won six or more games every season. This year, his team was a very real contender until injuries overwhelmed him in the playoffs.
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs.
9. Mike Romor (last year: 8th)
2015: 8-5, 1210.32, 6th
Overall record: 52-52 (.500, 8th)
Best finish: 5th (2013)
Worst finish: 11th (2010)
Playoff appearances: 3
Robscore: 3.00
Bernie very nearly got a bye this year, and fell a spot!? This is mostly due to the ascendance of Schertz (more on that in a few spots) and the fact that no one else ahead of him really deserves to fall farther than they already have.
NFL equivalent: We've been calling him "Marvin Mike" - who do you think his team is? (Hint: it's the Bengals.)
8. Dave (and Kyle) Fultz (last year: 7th)
2015: 6-7, 1396.10, 8th
Overall record: 44-60 (.423, 11th)
Best finish: 4th (2013)
Worst finish: 12th (2011)
Playoff appearances: 2
Robscore: 2.00
Dave also falls, but this makes more sense: he didn't make the playoffs. So why is he still ahead of Mike R.? Look closely - Dave finished #2 in points this season; that's worth something.
NFL equivalent: The Pittsburgh Steelers are high-scoring and able to beat anyone at any time. And they're at huge risk to miss the playoffs.
7. Ed Gross (last year: 6th)
2015: 4-9, 1190.80, 12th
Overall record: 56-48 (.538, T-4th)
Best finish: 2nd (2010)
Worst finish: 12th (2015)
Playoff appearances: 6
Robscore: 7.75
Now we get to the seven teams that have made the Blingabowl. Of those seven, I've been missing the longest. The past two years have not been kind to me, friends.
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles.
6. Mike Schertz (last year: 12th)
2015: 9-4, 1316.84, 2nd
Overall record: 25-27 (.481, 9th)
Best finish: 2nd (2015)
Worst finish: 13th (2014)
Playoff appearances: 1
Robscore: 1.75
A huge jump, but making the Blingabowl counts for something. Schertz definitely earned his bye this year, and didn't disapoint in the semifinals. Even his 13th-place 2014 isn't as bad as it looks at first glance, as it was still a five-win campaign.
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers.
5. Mark Babel (last year: 3rd)
2015: 5-8, 1280.48, 10th
Overall record: 53-51 (.510, 7th)
Best finish: 1st (2014)
Worst finish: 13th (2013)
Playoff appearances: 4
Robscore: 6.00
Babel's power ranking has bounced around the past few years, much like his place in the standings. It's hard to put him ahead of Rob, given the latter's consistency in making the playoffs.
NFL equivalent: He's still the Ravens, mixing in some disapointing injury-riddled years with some deep playoff runs.
4. Rob Gross (last year: 5th)
2015: 7-6, 1395.75, 3rd
Overall record: 56-48 (.538, T-4th)
Best finish: 2nd (2013)
Worst finish: 13th (2012)
Playoff appearances: 6
Robscore: 7.75
Rob's made the playoffs three years running, including a Blingabowl appearance, which is impressive. He also deserved well better than a 7-6 record this year.
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers.
3. Nick "Rabbit" Warren (last year: 2nd)
2015: 5-8, 1240.62, 11th
Overall record: 66-38 (.635, 1st)
Best finish: 1st (2010, 2011)
Worst finish: 11th (2013, 2015)
Playoff appearances: 5
Robscore: 10.50
Is it blasphemous to bump Rabs to third? He's now sandwiched his two worst years around a Blingabowl appearance, Pulley's coming off two straight byes (and a 14-1 finish), and Matt is Matt.
NFL equivalent: I'm going to go with a historical comparison here: Rabs is the Broncos. Consecutive championships a while back, then some mediocrity, then a renaissance.
2. Adam Pulley (last year: 4th)
2015: 12-1, 1536.47, 1st
Overall record: 57-47 (.548, 3rd)
Best finish: 1st (2008, 2015)
Worst finish: 12th (2009)
Playoff appearances: 5
Robscore: 8.25
Pulley's finished third or better for three years running, so take that, Rob.
NFL equivalent: If Rob's the Packers, Pulley's his rival, and Pulley's been a little better than him the past three years, then it stands to reason that Pulley is the Seahawks.
1. Matt Harrison (last year: 1st)
2015: 8-5, 1350.40, 5th
Overall record: 61-43 (.587, 2nd)
Best finish: 1st (2009, 2012, 2013)
Worst finish: 12th (2008)
Playoff appearances: 6
Robscore: 10.50
Ain't no shame finishing #2 to Matt.
NFL equivalent: Matt's about a close to the recent vintage of the Patriots as there is: always good, always dangerous, and complete with a Tom Brady knee injury.
Draft Lottery
The odds for getting the #1 overall pick are:
Kevin => 20.62%
Allen => 17.04%
Ed => 16.21%
Rabbit => 12.23%
Babel => 12.04%
Pat => 9.04%
Dave => 7.74%
Derrek => 5.08%
Closing Thoughts
We're eight years in, and I think we're better than ever. Thanks, everyone.
Also, expect the end-of-year survey soon. Right now, I have three proposals on there: QB sack scoring, defensive points-allowed scoring, and possible lineup changes regarding the RB/WR/flex breakdown. If you have any other suggestions, please let me know in the next few days.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Ed