Dave: [to Kyle] "After this pick, do you want to go for a walk?"

Babel: [after a few seconds] "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Week One Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Harrison Hammers (Matt) vs. Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley):

Pulley leads all-time series, 5-4.

Our defending champ's season is off to a less-than-ideal start. There are questions about how many snaps his first round pick, Jordy Nelson (@JAC) will play, and his second round pick, Jamaal Charles (vs. SD) is almost certainly out. Oh, and his top QB, Tom Brady (@ARI) is also out, but that was known well in advance.

On the other side, Matt has the awesome one-two punch of Cam Newton (@DEN) and Julio Jones (vs. TAM), but the rest of his team is a distinct step down. Mark Ingram (vs. OAK) is solid, but having to play Torrey Smith (vs. LA), Giovani Bernard (@NYJ), and Tavon Austin (@SF) doesn't inspire a ton of confidence.

Or, at least, it wouldn't, if Matt weren't playing against the depleted MondoSquad.

Pick: Harrison Hammers.

Other Blingamatches

Pralines & Dick (Rabbit) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz):

Rabbit leads all-time series, 4-0.

Rabs has a pretty solid all-around team, with RBs Lamar Miller (vs. CHI) and LeSean McCoy (@BAL) ready to wreak havoc and WRs Donte Moncrief (vs. DET) and Michael Crabtree (@NO) having lots of potential. DeVante Parker's (@SEA) status is up in the air, but nobody's perfect. That all said, if Rabs has the lead going into Monday night, he shouldn't feel too comfortable; Schertz has Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown going together at Washington.

Pick: schertzopotamus.

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin) vs. Keep Calm & Le'Veon (Babel):

All-time series tied, 8-8.

Barring a trade, Babel won't be Le'Veoning this year. The commissioner's office cleared Mark of any wrongdoing, but it still might be misleading to some of our less attentive readers. His streak of having a top RB should continue, though, as he snagged Adrian Peterson (@TEN) in the first round. Kevin had a very Raider-heavy draft, selectin Amari Cooper, Latavius Murray, and Derek Carr; this is a good week for that strategy, as they all play at New Orleans.

Pick: Keep Calm and Le'Veon.

Richie is Smart-ish (Richie) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen):

Allen leads all-time series, 3-1.

Justin Forsett (vs. BUF) and Thomas Rawls (vs. MIA) have gotten lots of attention this preseason, and Richie will likely start them both in week one. Allen's team, meanwhile, seems... really strong? Ezekiel Elliot (vs. NYG) and Rashad Jennings (@DAL) are both poised for big weeks, and keepers Russell Wilson (vs. MIA) and Jordan Reed (vs. PIT) should both have good years. Will this be the first year Allen makes a trade?

Pick: Optimus Prime.

Super Bash Bros. (Dave) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek):

Derrek leads all-time series, 7-1.

Dave will hope Blake Bortles (vs. GB) throws touchdowns to receivers that's aren't Allen Robinson (vs. GB), or else Derrek will be in the driver's seat for this one.

Pick: D's Nuts.

Bernie's Bullies (Mike R.) vs. Not Mos Def (Rob):

Rob leads all-time series, 6-3.

Rob has a top QB, Drew Brees (vs. OAK). He's got a top WR, DeAndre Hopkins (vs. CHI). And he's got a top RB, Todd Gurley (@SF). Bernie has a team, too.

Pick: Not Mos Def.

Live Commish (Ed) vs. Vinegar Strokes (Pat):

Ed leads all-time series, 6-1.

Pat should win the QB matchup (Aaron Rodgers (@JAC) vs. Robert Griffin III (@PHI)), but I should take care of things on the WR end (Odell Beckham, Jr. (@DAL), Mike Evans (@ATL), and Jeremy Maclin (vs. SD) vs. Michael Floyd (vs. NE), Willie Snead (vs. OAK), and Mike Wallace (vs. BUF)).

Pick: Live Commish.

Closing Thoughts

It has come to my attention that I've neglected to broadcast several life events that occurred since the end of last season. I can't recall what specifically happened this year, so please select several from the following list:

• Kevin got married to Kelly

• Dave bought a house with his wife, Alyssa

• Clark Gable died

• Twelve friends decided to form a fantasy league

• Richie and his wife, Kim, welcomed their second child, Agnes

• Fuck C.J. Spiller

• The cotton gin was invented by Eli Whitney

• Clark Gable was born

• Babel had a kid with his wife, Jackie

• Milky ate a Cripple Creek, followed immediately by another Cripple Creek

• Allen and his wife, Erin, welcomed their first child, Archer

• Kyle discovered Rocket League and was never heard from again

• Pat got married to Heidi

• Babel had more kids with his wife, Jackie

• Pulley wore a penguin costume

Eddo

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