The Sanderson Gazette - 2016-09-28 - Doubtful (Sandwich)

Exactly 52 weeks ago, I wrote, "Thanks to a wild Monday night, this week comes in as the sixth-highest-scoring of all time."

This week, I can say, "Thanks to a wild Monday night, this week comes in as the eighth-highest-scoring of all time."

Week Three Recap

Allen def. Mike R., 136.95-98.49:

Marvin Jones, Jr. (39.33) and the Kansas City defense (35.00) combined for nearly 75 points for Allen. He really needed that, as Ezekiel Elliot (16.67) and Matt Prater (11.00) were his only other players that outperformed expectations. Bernie got 22.97 from Darren Sproles and 21.70 from Jeremy Hill as he nearly matched the overall break-even point for expected wins. Needless to say, he did not take this loss well in the Blingachat.

Dave def. Matt, 135.90-69.92:

Devonta Freeman (28.53) broke off two long runs in the final minutes on Monday night, but couldn't reach the end zone to get Dave past Allen for Blangums. He'll have to settle for his first win of the year. Jarvis Landry (23.60) and Demaryius Thomas (17.33) added strong games for the Fultz brothers. Matt suffered from Julio Jones's 2.13 and the Pittsburgh defense's -4.00, barely avoiding the dreaded Slapped Heartbeat award.

Ed def. Kevin, 117.65-108.98:

Tevin Coleman (28.47) made up Ed's Monday-nigh deficit by himself, not needing fellow Falcon Jacob Tamme's 3.73. Kevin's trio of Raiders - Derek Carr (13.85), Latavius Murray (9.83), and Amari Cooper (8.27) - couldn't break 40 points combined, but Doug Baldwin (27.47) and David Johnson (24.03) nearly made up for it.

Rob def. Rabbit, 131.30-111.57:

Rabs took a small lead into Monday night, but with Drew Brees (28.70) going for Rob, I don't think anyone expected him to hold it. Christine Michael (23.27) finally had the breakout game many have expected for years, helping Rob move to 3-0.

Pulley def. Schertz, 128.97-112.42:

Our Blingabowl VIII rematch was also close after Sunday, but Matt Ryan's 21.30 pulled the Pullman ahead for good. T.Y. Hilton's 29.20 wasn't enough for JuJu, who takes his first loss of the season.

Babel def. Pat, 105.43-91.12:

Zach Miller spit in Pat's metaphorical sandwich (note: sandwich is not metaphorical, more on that later) by scoring 22.40 on Sunday night. Pat wasted a great night from the New England defense (21.00) in the loss.

Richie def. Derrek, 84.08-67.22:

These guys did surpass my 150-point goal for them from last week's Gazette by a whole 3.30 points! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Current Standings

  1. Rob, 3-0, 356.81

  2. Pulley, 2-1, 350.07

  3. Kevin, 2-1, 348.13

  4. Schertz, 2-1, 338.57

  5. Ed, 2-1, 336.47

  6. Allen, 2-1, 315.56

  7. Pat, 2-1, 310.67

  8. Richie, 2-1, 245.03

  9. Dave, 1-2, 339.89

  10. Matt, 1-2, 286.30

  11. Babel, 1-2, 263.84

  12. Derrek, 1-2, 261.12

  13. Rabbit, 0-3, 316.92

  14. Mike R., 0-3, 294.25

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums: Allen's 136.95 just edged Dave for Optimus Prime's first Team Blangums since week two, 2012.

Slapped Heartbeat: Derrek's 67.22 is eerily similar to his 67.24 in week three of last year.

Weekly MVP: Marvin Jones, Jr. scored 39.33 while leading Allen to Team Blangums.

Dud of the week: Ryan Mathews scored -0.50 for Schertz in a somewhat-close game.

Start of the Week: Allen chose the right former Bengal in Marvin Jones, Jr. (39.33); he could have played Mohamed Sanu, who was injured and put up only 4.13.

Misplay of the Week: Pat opted to roll the dice and see if Willie Snead (0.00) would play on Monday night; he did not. At least Pat enjoyed a perfectly adequate sandwich while he watched the Sunday afternoon games.

Blessed Cahoots: Usually, when you have a running back playing for a team that gets blown out, you don't pick up garbage-time points. But Pulley got 24.57 from Carlos Hyde thanks to two rushing touchdowns well after the 49ers should have been throwing on every play.

Week Four Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 2-1, 3rd) vs. Vinegar Strokes (Pat, 2-1, 7th):

Pat leads all-time series, 6-1.

Our two surprising 2-0 teams both took losses in week three, Kevin dealing with his Raiders having an overall average week and Pat dealing with injuries to his early breakout star, Willie Snead.

Kevin's strengths? The Raiders, when they play well. This week they are at the Ravens, an enigmatic 3-0 team. His weaknesses? See his strengths.

Pat's strengths? Quarterback. Aaron Rodgers (bye) and Matthew Stafford (@CHI) have been among the top performers at the position, and Pat has them both. His weaknesses? Running back, where he might have to rely on Duke Johnson, Jr. (@WAS) and Kenneth Dixon (vs. OAK).

Pick: The autumn wind is arriving, and we all know what team he roots for: The Chocolate Donuts.

Other Blingamatches

Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 2-1, 2nd) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 2-1, 6th):

Pulley leads all-time series, 5-4.

Pulley's strengths? Running back depth. Pulley's stable includes Jamaal Charles (@PIT), Jonathan Stewart (@ATL), DeAngelo Williams (vs. KC), and Carlos Hyde (vs. DAL) - and that depth has been critical, as Charles and Stewart have battled injuries. Pulley's weaknesses? Players being available. Charles has missed the first three weeks, Stewart is currently hurt, Tom Brady is suspended for one more game, and Jordy Nelson is on his bye week.

Allen's strengths? Mid-round picks. Marvin Jones, Jr. (@CHI), Eric Decker (vs. SEA), and Isaiah Crowell (@WAS) have all had some big games so far. Allen's weaknesses? Keepers. Russell Wilson (@NYJ) and Jordan Reed (vs. CLE) have been mediocre at best this year.

Pick: Allen might be catching Pulley at just the right time - Optimus Prime.

Not Mos Def (Rob, 3-0, 1st) vs. Inconceivable (Richie, 2-1, 8th):

Richie leads all-time series, 3-2.

Rob's strengths? Running back depth. LeGarrette Blount (vs. BUF), Chritine Michael (@NYJ), and Spencer Ware (@PIT) have all done well so far for Rob. Rob's weaknesses? Players losing touches. Blount might not get as many carries when Brady's back, and ditto Ware for Jamaal Charles. DeAndre Hopkins (vs. TEN) has also not been the constant target he was last year with a new QB and the emergence of Will Fuller.

Richie's strengths? Luck. Richie's whole season so far has been #BlessedCahoots, as he's by far last in points and expected wins, but over .500. Richie's weaknesses? Running back. Thomas Rawls (@NYJ) has been hurt. Matt Jones (vs. CLE) has been bad. And Justin Forsett (vs. OAK) isn't guaranteed carries.

Pick: Not Mos Def seems like the obvious choice.

Live Commish (Ed, 2-1, 5th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 1-2, 12th):

Ed leads all-time series, 7-4.

Ed's strengths? Wide recievers. Mike Evans (vs. DEN) has been excellent through three weeks, and Odell Beckham, Jr. (@MIN), Kelvin Benjamin (@ATL), and Larry Fitzgerald (vs. LA) have all put together very solid weeks. Ed's weaknesses? QB and TE. Relying on Andy Dalton (vs. MIA) and Jacob Tamme (vs. CAR) is no way to go through life.

Derrek's strengths? Comebacks. Andrew Luck (@JAC) has bounced back very well from a down year, and Le'Veon Bell (vs. KC) returns this week. Derrek's Weaknesses? Flex. Josh Doctson (vs. CLE) is slotted in now, and other options Devin Funchess (@ATL), Chris Ivory (vs. IND), and Jaron Brown (vs. LA) aren't exactly inspiring.

Pick: Live Commish has some tough matchups, but just looks stronger overall.

Harrison Hammers (Matt, 1-2, 10th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 2-1, 4th):

Matt leads all-time series, 3-1.

Matt's strengths? His studs. Cam Newton (@ATL) and Julio Jones (vs. CAR) are threats to score 30 points any week. Matt's weaknesses? The health of his studs. When Newton and Jones are banged up, as in week three, it can get quite ugly for the Hammers.

Schertz's strengths? His Steelers. Ben Roethlisberger (vs. KC) and Antonio Brown (vs. KC) can combine to run up the score in a hurry. Schertz's weaknesses? Running back. Charles Sims (vs. DEN) has some interesting opportunities with Doug Martin out, but Kenyon Drake (@CIN) is next in line.

Pick: schertzopotamus, I guess.

Keep Calm & Le'Veon (Babel, 1-2, 11th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 0-3, 13th):

All-time series tied, 5-5.

Babel's strengths? His running backs. Despite losing Adrian Peterson and Doug Martin for extended periods of time, Mark's been kept afloat thanks to C.J. Anderson (@TAM) and Melvin Gordon (vs. NO). Babel's weaknesses? Wide receiver. Julian Edelman (vs. BUF) has not been the same without Tom Brady and Jamison Crowder (vs. CLE) isn't a reliable third option with Randall Cobb on bye.

Rabbit's strengths? Running back. Rabs has three of the top-scoring RBs in Lamar Miller (vs. TEN), LeSean McCoy (@NE), and DeMarco Murray (@HOU). Rabbit's weaknesses? Wide receiver. With Donte Moncrief out for a while, can Rabs count on Michael Crabtree (@BAL) and DeVante Parker (@CIN) to produce consistently?

Pick: Rabs is 0-3, but old rules die hard: Pralines & Dick.

Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 0-3, 14th) vs. Super Bash Bros. (Dave, 1-2, 9th):

Dave leads all-time series, 5-3.

Mike R.'s strengths? Grit. Determination. Playing the game The Right Way. Mike R.'s weaknesses? Locker room morale. BlingaWoj reported a rumor that Bernie has lost the locker after the disastrous 0-3 start.

Dave's strengths? His defense. The Fultzes definitely care about rostering a quality defense (see last year's famous trade), and the Vikings (vs. NYG) have been performing very well. Dave's weaknesses? Inconsistency. Blake Bortles (vs. IND) leads the way in this attribute, which I kind of pulled out of my ass.

Pick: The Bullies' malaise continues; Super Bash Bros.

Closing Thoughts

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  • Live Commish