The Sanderson Gazette - 2016-10-05 - The Beautiful Homeless
"I gave change to a homeless woman this morning. See her all the time at the same intersection on Damen and she recognizes me, so I give her money. I am a regular to a homeless woman at an intersection I drive through in Chicago." - Mike R., evaluating his life choices.
Week Four Recap
Allen def. Pulley, 105.54-93.80:
Allen had four twenty-point scorers - Russell Wilson (25.95), Ezekiel Elliott (22.33), Jordan Reed (21.73), and Isaiah Crowell (20.93), offsetting his zero from Eric Decker and his -5.00 from the Kansas City defense. Pulley wasted 39.05 from Matt Ryan (I hear he's available if you want to give up a stud RB!) in the loss.
Kevin def. Pat, 70.22-59.62:
The Game of the Blingaweek was a really shitshow, as Kevin escaped with a win that would have come in only 11% of the time. Only three players broke double digits in this one, and only one (Derek Carr, 25.75) broke twenty points.
Matt def. Schertz, 142.08-109.53:
Julio Jones's 46.00 made this one a surprising rout, given that Schertz got 35.90 from Ben Roethlisberger and 20.53 from Antonio Brown. Will Fuller added 22.80 for the Hammers thanks to his punt returning prowess.
Dave def. Mike R., 137.04-71.75:
Dave missed out on a second consecutive Blangums by barely five points. As with Matt, a star WR led the way for the Fultzes; A.J. Green scored 29.07 on Thursday night. Bernie's season from Hell continued, with only Eddie Royal (20.80) being worth anything notable.
Richie def. Rob, 128.25-88.31:
Rob's down week wasn't that bad, though his high scorer (Brandon Marshall, 17.87) couldn't break twenty points. Meanwhile, Richie had only two sub-ten-point players: Alshon Jeffery (6.13) and Rob Gronkowski (1.47) as he picked up his first dominant win of the year.
Derrek def. Ed, 89.35-68.08:
This one was almost as bad as the Kevin/Pat matchup, with no twenty-point scorers. Le'Veon Bell - back from suspension - was crucial for D, providing 18.93 points, nearly the margin of this game on his own.
Rabbit def. Babel, 131.99-95.64:
Finally, Rabs is in the win column! Michael Crabtree (29.73) added to his excellent season, as did DeMarco Murray (24.70). Babel got 19.33 from Melvin Gordon, but can't be feeling great about his team.
Current Standings
Rob, 3-1, 445.12
Allen, 3-1, 421.10
Kevin, 3-1, 418.35
Richie, 3-1, 373.28
Dave, 2-2, 476.93
Schertz, 2-2, 448.10
Pulley, 2-2, 443.87
Matt, 2-2, 428.38
Ed, 2-2, 404.55
Pat, 2-2, 370.29
Derrek, 2-2, 350.47
Rabbit, 1-3, 448.91
Babel, 1-3, 359.48
Mike R., 0-4, 366.00
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: Matt's the new Chad Pennington, apparently (good in even weeks, bad in odd ones). He took home his second Blangums of the year with 142.08.
Slapped Heartbeat: Pat's 59.62 stole the show this week.
Weekly MVP: Julio Jones's 46.00 was, quite simply, huge.
Dud of the week: Take your pick from the Allen/Pulley game. Jamaal Charles (0.70) and DeSean Jackson (0.67) shit the bed for Pulley, while the Chiefs followed up last week's huge game with a -5.00 for Allen. (Honorable mention: The usually reliable Stephen Gostkowski's -1.00 for Mike R.)
Start of the Week: Matt took a risk and played Ameer Abdullah (4.77) against Seattle over Lamar Miller (3.93) against the Jets. He was rewarded with an extra 0.84 points in a 0.74-point victory.
Blessed Cahoots: Allen didn't check the injury report this week and started Eric Decker (who might be out for a while, still). Despite that, Optimus Prime moved to 3-1 on the year.
Week Five Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 3-1, 3rd) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 1-3, 12th):
Rabbit leads all-time series, 5-3.
Is this the week Kevin announces himself as a strong contender? His main concern might be players being unavailable. Doug Baldwin, Coby Fleener, and his current kicker (Cairo Santos) are all on bye. Will he have enough ammunition to take down Rabs? His Raiders (Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, and Latavius Murray) play the Chargers, which is nice.
Rabs has been beatable this year, but it hasn't been easy. He's broken 100 points each week, and looks to continue that in week five. Michael Crabtree also gets to play San Diego, and if that game turns into a shootout, Philip Rivers could make a difference. And can DeMarco Murray (@MIA) keep up his crazy-good year?
Pick: Pralines & Dick.
Other Blingamatches
Harrison Hammers (Matt, 2-2, 8th) vs. Vinegar Strokes (Pat, 2-2, 10th):
Matt leads all-time series, 5-3.
Aaron Rodgers (vs. NYG) is back for Pat as he hopes to end a two-game losing streak. Eddie Lacy (vs. NYG) is back, too, but does that solve his RB woes? One of Duke Johnson, Jr. (vs. NE), Kenneth Dixon (vs. WAS), or Orleans Darkwa (@GB) will have to be his number two. Matt will hope Cam Newton (vs. TAM) will clear the concussion protocol by Monday, and that Julio Jones (@DEN) is matchup-proof. It's an odd week, so chances are neither of those things will happen.
Pick: Vinegar Strokes.
Live Commish (Ed, 2-2, 9th) vs. Super Bash Bros. (Dave, 2-2, 5th):
All-time series tied, 5-5.
These two 2-2 teams both have been among BlingaWoj's favorites this season, with the leading Blingaleague reporter going so far as calling Dave the team to beat (link)! Dave will likely start rookie phenom Carson Wentz (@DET) this week along with star A.J. Green (@DAL), and will hope to get all he can out of Devonta Freeman against a tough Denver defense. Ed's shiny new acquisition Todd Gurley plays against Buffalo and league target leader Mike Evans plays on Monday against a Panther defense that allowed Julio Jones to rack up 300 yards last week.
Pick: Live Commish.
Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 0-4, 14th) vs. Inconceivable (Richie, 3-1, 4th):
Richie leads all-time series, 3-1.
Sorry, Richie - you don't get to be Game of the Blingaweek when you take on the lone winless team. In fact, you don't even get a full-length preview.
Pick: Inconceivable.
schertzopotamus (Schertz, 2-2, 6th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 3-1, 2nd):
Schertz leads all-time series, 3-1.
Allen's surprising second-place squad will once again be without Eric Decker (NOTE TO ALLEN: take him out of your lineup!). Strangely, Allen has already removed Russell Wilson (BYE) from his lineup and slotted Brock Osweiler (@MIN) in his place. Schertz has Antoio Brown against the Jets.
Pick: schertzopotamus.
Not Mos Def (Rob, 3-1, 1st) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 2-2, 11th):
Rob leads all-time series, 7-3.
It's Rob against the team that he, er, BlingaWoj talked shit about in the most recent power rankings (link)! Andrew Luck (vs. CHI) and Le'Veon Bell (vs. NYJ) can win D any game, but the rest of his players (example: Nelson Agholor (@DET), Josh Doctson (@BAL), and Jaron Brown (@SF) are his three WRs at the moment) mean that he needs Luck and Bell to do just that most weeks. Rob has a solid team, albeit one relying on Trevor Siemian (vs. ATL) while Drew Brees is on bye.
Pick: Not Mos Def.
Keep Calm & Le'Veon (Babel, 1-3, 13th) vs. Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 2-2, 7th):
All-time series tied, 6-6.
Pulley has Tom Brady (@CLE) finally back from suspension and Jordy Nelson (vs. NYG) back from bye. Babel has his own Packer WR (Randall Cobb), but now his TE, Zach Miller (@IND) is questionable. Pulley's team is better already, and these personnel issues just amplify the difference.
Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.
Closing Thoughts
This week did crack the top 25... in average margin (31.11). See for yourself at https://blingaleague.com/blingalytics/weekly_scores/!
@LiveCommish