The Sanderson Gazette - 2016-10-26 - Understandable
"Truly, the 2016 Bullies will be a model by which many of Pat's future teams will be measured" - Rob Gross, resident Shitheel.
Week Seven Recap
Babel def. Matt, 133.02-129.83:
Babel broke a six game losing streak vs. Matt in epic fashion, getting 16.70 from C.J. Anderson on Monday night and winning Team Blangums in the process. Randall Cobb's 20.77 set the stage for Mark's big week and Melvin Gordon's 31.87 put him in position for Anderson to grab the win. Matt got the usual great game from Julio Jones (23.20) in a losing effort.
Mike R. def. Derrek, 83.86-81.78:
Despite 30.35 from Andrew Luck, Bernie got his first win! This came down to the defenses, and Mike's Seattle version (15.00) outperformed D's Denver version (9.00). Jeremy Hill (26.00) also finally exploded for the Bullies.
Ed def. Rob, 116.40-105.58:
The Philadelphia defense's 24.00 nearly stole a win for Rob, but Mike Evans (24.80), Tevin Coleman (13.73), and Jacob Tamme (8.27) all scored touchdowns in the late afternoon games, giving Ed enough to come away with the win.
Schertz def. Dave, 116.71-101.29:
Tyrod Taylor (24.55) and T.Y. Hilton (23.73) gave Schertz a big week, while A.J. Green (28.53) led the way for Dave. Jordan Howard (2.20) and Terrance West (1.00) more or less canceled each other out, so this game was decided around the margins, which is not that interesting to write about.
Kevin def. Richie, 90.37-76.70:
Kevin moved to all-but-clinched thanks to Jay Ajayi's 27.67 and David Johnson's 19.03... and Richie's dud. Matt Jones put up 0.70 for Rich, and the Buffalo defense added -3.00 of its own. At least Rob Gronkowski (18.40) is back to being a monster.
Rabbit def. Pulley, 88.52-66.87:
Yikes! Our defending champ had four players put up less than five points... and Rabs had three of his own. Nick at least had four with 15+, while Pulley had only Tom Brady's 20.40 to be proud of.
Pat def. Allen, 89.78-70.14:
Allen left Jordan Reed (injured) in his lineup. Pat got -0.13 from Kenneth Dixon. Pat won this game.
Current Standings
Kevin, 6-1, 770.39
Rob, 5-2, 781.67
Schertz, 4-3, 765.10
Dave, 4-3, 761.43
Pulley, 4-3, 721.01
Ed, 4-3, 717.39
Richie, 4-3, 662.04
Matt, 3-4, 760.22
Rabbit, 3-4, 760.01
Allen, 3-4, 643.84
Babel, 3-4, 643.18
Pat, 3-4, 594.68
Derrek, 2-5, 629.20
Mike R., 1-6, 600.66
https://blingaleague.com/standings/
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums: Babel's 133.02 means that he'll at least make some money back this year.
Slapped Heartbeat: Pulley's 66.87 was his optimal lineup. Ouch.
Weekly MVP: Melvin Gordon's 31.87 for Babel was enormous in earning both a victory and Team Blangums.
Dud(s) of the Week: First and second round picks are supposed to score more than 1.20 combined, but that's what Jordy Nelson and Jamaal Charles put up for Pulley.
Start of the Week: Babel chose Jamison Crowder (14.40) over Matt Asiata (8.83) or James White (10.27) in his flex spot and it was enough to make a difference.
Misplay of the Week: While Rob gets this for his entire decision-making process, I do have to highlight that Derrek is rostering two kickers - Blair Walsh (5.00) and Matt Bryant (12.00) - and chose the wrong one, costing himself a win.
Pickup of the Week: Ty Montgomery (14.80) did everything for the Packers last Thursday... and helped Ed get a very important victory.
Week Eight Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 6-1, 1st) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 4-3, 3rd):
All-time series tied, 2-2. https://blingaleague.com/teamvsteam/
Kevin would have to have a 2014 Schertz-style (link) collapse to miss the playoffs, and a win here would all but clinch (only three 7-win teams have missed: https://blingaleague.com/blingalytics/seasonfinder/?yearmin=&yearmax=&weekmax=&winsmin=7&winsmax=&expectedwinsmin=&expectedwinsmax=&pointsmin=&pointsmax=&playoffs=missed_playoffs).
He's getting Schertz at the right time, too: Antonio Brown is on bye.
JuJu will still have T.Y. Hilton, but it's against the formidable Chiefs. And Jacquizz Rodgers goes against the not-so-formidable Raiders.
But Kevin's Raiders - Carr, Cooper, and Murray - get the leaky Buccaneer defense.
Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.
Other Blingamatches
Harrison Hammers (Matt, 3-4, 8th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 3-4, 9th):
Rabbit leads all-time series, 8-4.
Week eight is too early for a true do-or-die game, but this one's close. These two proud franchises are both on the outside of the playoffs at the moment, and taking a fifth loss leaves very little room for error over the rest of the season. Matt will be expecting a big game from Julio Jones (vs. GB), as always, and Rabs will count on DeMarco Murray (vs. JAC) to do the same. The rest of Nick's strong RB corps, however, has big injury questions: if either of Lamar Miller (vs. DET) or LeSean McCoy (vs. NE) is out - or worse, plays but gets hurt again - Rabs might be doomed.
Pick: Pralines & Dick.
Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 1-6, 14th) vs. Keep Calm & Le'Veon (Babel, 3-4, 11th):
Mike R. leads all-time series, 6-4.
After being bottom-dwellers the first six weeks, these two got key wins in week seven; Bernie avoided joining 2013 Mark as the only 0-7 teams (link), while Mark clawed his way into having playoff hopes. The Bullies will hope new acquisition Terrell Pryor, Sr. (vs. NYJ) can have a big week, while Babel will hope that Melvin Gordon (@DEN) will continue his huge season.
Pick: Bernie's Bullies.
Super Bash Bros. (Dave, 4-3, 4th) vs. Inconceivable (Richie, 4-3, 7th):
Dave leads all-time series, 3-1.
No matter what, these two float around .500. Dave might be near the top in points, Richie the bottom, but they won't be far apart in the standings. With his backfield competition injured, Devonta Freeman (vs. GB) should get tons of touches for Dave; Richie might need Rob Gronkowski (@BUF) to win this one singlehandledly.
Pick: Super Bash Bros.
Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 4-3, 5th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 2-5, 13th):
All-time series tied, 5-5.
Pulley had an awful week seven, but he probably shouldn't be worried. But if D breaks his three-game losing streak against him, then yeah - go ahead and be concerned. Tom Brady (@BUF) is out for a revenge game, and Jamaal Charles (@IND) has to start getting carries at some point, right? Derrek currently has three Jaguars - Allen Robinson, T.J. Yeldon, and Chris Ivory - in for Thursday night's game @TEN.
Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.
Live Commish (Ed, 4-3, 6th) vs. Optimus Prime (Allen, 3-4, 10th):
Ed leads all-time series, 7-2.
Allen might get me at the right time, with Odell Beckham, Jr. and Todd Gurley on their byes. Mike Evans (vs. OAK) is still around, though. Allen also gets Ezekiel Elliot (vs. PHI) back this week, and Russell Wilson plays the Saints.
Pick: Live Commish.
Not Mos Def (Rob, 5-2, 2nd) vs. Vinegar Strokes (Pat, 3-4, 12th):
Rob leads all-time series, 6-1.
Rob's also falls into the would-have-to-epically-collapse-to-miss-the-playoffs category, while Pat falls into the at-least-he-beat-Allen one.
Pick: Not Mos Def.
Closing Thoughts
Week seven is now the closest week ever, going by average margin of victory (12.35).
https://blingaleague.com/blingalytics/weekly_scores/
And I don't believe there were any life events to announce this week, unless I missed something...
Ed