The Sanderson Gazette - 2017-12-28 - One Championship, Bitches

D didn't quite reach 200 points (bitches), but he did score enough to take home the Sanderson Cup.

Blingabowl X Recap

Derrek def. Babel, 113.57-96.36:

D's lucky he had this wrapped up by the second Christmas day game, as he got 0.00 from Michael Crabtree and 2.00 from Jared Cook in that game. But as Babel put it, special teams won it for Derrek; the Panthers defense scored 19.00 and Harrison Butker scored 17.00, outpacing Babel's 0.00 from the Jaguars defense and 7.00 from Robbie Gould.

Third-Place Game Recap

Pulley def. Kevin, 153.22-96.70:

As Pulley said, he does not lose in week sixteen.

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums: Pulley's 153.22 is the sixth-highest score in playoff history (link).

Slapped Heartbeat: Babel's 96.36 is the fifth-highest score among Blingabowl losers ever (link), but it was the low of the week.

Weekly MVP: Todd Gurley outdid his score from last week with 44.87.

Weekly Dud: the Jacksonville defense - so good for Babel all year - couldn't even manage a single point.

Annual MVP: see weekly MVP; Gurley was a huge stud all year for Pulley (after being named Annual Dud last season).

Annual Dud: Julio Jones wound up having a fine year when you look at total points scored, but the #1 pick just never consistently delivered for Richie, likely costing him a playoff spot.

Season Postmortems

Mark Babel, 6-7, 1355.51 points, 6th (regular season), 2nd (playoffs)

7.8 expected wins (.600)

https://blingaleague.com/team/8/2017/

Babel's unlucky season stil resulted in a Blingabowl appearance, but he has to feel a bit bummed he couldn't bring home his second Sanderson Cup. Robbie Gould and the Jaguars defense were both outstanding midseason acquisitions that won Babel games.

Derrek Drenckpohl, 8-5, 1280.62 points, 5th (regular season), Blingabowl X champion (playoffs)

7.1 expected wins (.545)

https://blingaleague.com/team/9/2017/

After missing the playoffs for four straight years, D returned with style. He was among our top five teams from week five onward, and like Babel, relied on a midseason kicker pickup (Harrison Butker)... but also had Le'Veon Bell. Derrek also became our second straight worst-to-first champion (after Kevin last year); everyone watch out for Bernie in 2018?

Final Standings

  1. Derrek

  2. Babel

  3. Pulley

  4. Kevin

  5. Rob

  6. Dave

  7. Pat

  8. Richie

  9. Rabbit

  10. Schertz

  11. Matt

  12. Allen

  13. Ed

  14. Mike R.

Final Payouts

(First-second-third pays out $258-$129-$43.)

Derrek: $268 (first place plus one Blangums)

Babel: $149 (second place plus two Blangums)

Pulley: $83 (third place plus four Blangums)

Kevin: $20 (two Blangums)

Dave: $10 (one Blangums)

Rob: $10 (one Blangums)

Schertz: $10 (one Blangums)

Ed: $10 (one Blangums)

(unless otherwise requested, sub-$40 values will be deducted from next year's dues, not paid out now)

Blingapower Rankings

(Overall records (link) include regular season games only.)

14. Scott Beitzel (last year: not ranked) https://blingaleague.com/team/16/

You gotta start somewhere, kid.

NFL equivalent: Las Vegas Golden Knights.

13. Mike "Bernie" Romor (last year: 10th) https://blingaleague.com/team/6/

  • 2017: 3-10, 1011.86, 14th

  • Overall record: 60-70

  • Best finish: 5th (2013)

  • Wost finish: 14th (2017)

Bernie's horrible, horrible 2017 - combined with his near-last-place finish in 2016 - pushes him to the bottom among returning teams. But he remains #1 in the Blingachat rankings.

NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals... though Marvin is not going to be around for us to make fun of much longer.

12. Richie Armour (last year: 13th) https://blingaleague.com/team/14/

  • 2017: 6-7, 1184.27, 8th

  • Overall record: 31-47

  • Best finish: 4th (2015)

  • Worst finish: 14th (2012)

Richie scrapped all year and wound up closer to a playoff spot than we all expected... but his team wasn't exactly powerful.

NFL equivalent: Dallas Cowboys; both are even helmed by Dak.

11. Pat Gawne (last year: 14th) https://blingaleague.com/team/13/

  • 2017: 6-7, 1226.87, 7th

  • Overall record: 48-69

  • Best finish: 7th (2016, 2017)

  • Worst finish: 12th (2010)

#PlayoffPat once again finished as the first man out of the playoffs. It's gonna happen soon!

NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans.

10. Ed Gross (last year: 8th) https://blingaleague.com/team/1/

  • 2017: 4-9, 1246.22, 13th

  • Overall record: 66-64

  • Best finish: 2nd (2010)

  • Worst finish: 13th (2017)

My 4-9 finish was a couple games worse than I probably deserved, but this is now my fourth straight year missing the playoffs (after six straight making it). I'll have to settle for #1 in the North American Fantasy Football Commmissioner rankings, like always.

NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers.

9. Mike "JuJu" Schertz (last year: 5th) https://blingaleague.com/team/15/

  • 2017: 5-8, 1170.94, 10th

  • Overall record: 37-41

  • Best finish: 2nd (2015)

  • Worst finish: 13th (2014)

Schertz had a downer of a year after two straight semifinals (or better) appearances.

NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos.

8. Derrek Drenckpohl (last year: 12th) https://blingaleague.com/team/9/

  • 2017: 8-5, 1280.62, 1st

  • Overall record: 66-64

  • Best finish: 1st (2017)

  • Worst finish: 14th (2016)

The Sanderson Cup doesn't completely wash away the stink of the four previous seasons, where D never cracked 5.1 expected wins.

NFL equivalent: Los Angeles Rams.

7. Dave (and Kyle) Fultz (last year: 9th) https://blingaleague.com/team/5/

  • 2017: 8-5, 1417.90, 6th

  • Overall record: 58-72

  • Best finish: 4th (2013)

  • Worst finish: 12th (2011)

Dave was viewed as the top team for nearly the whole year, but a late-season collapse (which was really more his opponents playing really well) left him massively disappointed.

NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles (a bit of an NFL prediction, here).

6. Matt Harrison (last year: 3rd) https://blingaleague.com/team/2/

  • 2017: 5-8, 1128.33, 11th

  • Overall record: 71-59

  • Best finish: 1st (2009, 2012, 2013)

  • Worst finish: 12th (2008)

Matt now has two straight five-win seasons after reaching the top of the power rankings. Is Matt going from Monster Heel to just plain heel?

NFL equivalent: Indianapolis Colts.

5. Rob Gross (last year: 4th) https://blingaleague.com/team/3/

  • 2017: 8-5, 1288.46, 5th

  • Overall record: 72-58

  • Best finish: 2nd (2008, 2013)

  • Worst finish: 13th (2012)

Rob's fifth straight playoff appearance (and eighth overall) is enough to keep him in the top five, though as always, he was a better regular-season team.

NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs.

4. Kevin Pattermann (last year: 7th) https://blingaleague.com/team/4/

  • 2017: 10-3, 1380.53, 4th

  • Overall record: 64-66

  • Best finish: 1st (2016)

  • Worst finish: 14th (2014, 2015)

Kevin followed up his dominant 2016 with another ten-win season and another bye. If this is the new normal, we should all watch out.

NFL equivalent: this is hard; last year's dominant team (New England) fits a certain other Blingaleaguer much better... so I'll go with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

3. Nick "Rabbit" Warren (last year: 1st) https://blingaleague.com/team/12/

  • 2017: 6-7, 1177.73, 9th

  • Overall record: 81-49

  • Best finish: 1st (2010, 20110

  • Worst finish: 11th (2013, 2015)

Rabbit's last three years are two ninth-or-worse finishes sandwiched around a bye. He's definitely not the juggernaut he used to be.

NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks.

2. Mark Babel (last year: 6th) https://blingaleague.com/team/8/

  • 2017; 6-7, 1355.51, 2nd

  • Overall record: 66-64

  • Best finish: 1st (2014)

  • Worst finish: 13th (2013)

Babel was definitely better than his record this year (7.8 expected wins) and his Blingabowl appearance proves that. He's consistently one of our best in-season managers.

NFL equivalent: Baltimore Ravens.

1. Adam Pulley (last year: 2nd) https://blingaleague.com/team/7/

  • 2017, 11-2, 1419.35, 3rd

  • Overall record: 76-54

  • Best finish: 1st (2008, 2015)

  • Worst finish: 12th (2009)

Pulley has now finished in the money five straight years. He has not finished worse than third in the regular season in that span. As much as Rob will hate this, he's our clear #1 right now.

NFL equivalent: New England Patriots.

Draft Lottery

The odds for getting the #1 overall pick are:

Pat => 6.25%

Richie => 6.63%

Rabbit => 6.69%

Schertz => 12.38%

Matt => 12.76%

Scott (Allen) => 12.91%

Ed => 17.32%

Mike R. => 25.06%

Closing Thoughts

Let's welcome Scott officially to the Blingaleague! And bid a fond farewell to Allen! (Both are on this email.)

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