The Sanderson Gazette - 2018-09-19 - Bernie's Blangums
"I was projected for blangums and since that's impossible I probably will lose" - Mike R
"MIKE LIKE MINE MINE MILE MILE MILE" - Rob
"THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MIKE OVER AND OVER" - Rob
Week 2 Recap
Kevin def. Richie, 121.51-119.04:
We'll get to our headliner momentarily, but first let's talk about a game that came scarily close to tying. After Trey Burton's three-yard touchdown early in the Monday night game, these teams both sat at 119.04. Alas, Burton put up 8.87 total, and the final margin wasn't even the closest in this series's history. Ben Roethlisberger (43.00) and Stefon Diggs (31.17) led the way for Kev, who needed those huge days to overcome Richie's special teams (Mason Crosby (18.00) and the Rams defense (16.00)).
Mike. def. Scott, 132.61-91.56:
He did it! Mike's last Blangums came in 2012 (he had five that year!)... which was the year before they paid out. Only Jake Elliott (2.00) was a dud for Mike, while Cam Newton (29.95) and Travis Kelce (26.53) had especially big games. Scott got nearly half his points from Patrick Mahomes (41.60).
Rob def. Ed, 132.39-95.28:
A.J. Green (27.20) started this one off for Rob, and after both our teams struggled for the first few hours of Sunday's games, Matt Breida (22.60) iced it. JuJu Smith-Schuster (22.13) had another big game for Ed, but Larry Fitzgerald's early exit due to a hamstring issue provided only 3.73.
Matt def. Rabbit, 130.28-92.06:
Matt made a late push for Blangums, but Russell Wilson (14.00) fell just short. And he came that close with a total dud from Rob Gronkowski (2.00). Rabs fell to 0-2 despite a good bounceback week from Matt Ryan (33.40).
Schertz def. Babel, 109.71-91.45:
Babel went into Monday with a six point lead, but Schertz got enough from Jordan Howard (7.90) and the Bears defense (17.00) to win fairly comfortably. Babel had the rare feat of his kicker (Chris Boswell) putting up only 1.00 despite that kicker's team scoring 37 points in real life.
Pulley def. Dave, 123.39-76.67:
Dave needed 11.07 from Allen Robinson on Monday to avoid getting his heartbeat slapped. Todd Gurley's 30.33 more than offset the Ravens defense's -4.00 for Pulley, who improved to 2-0 for the fifth time in six seasons (after starting 0-2 for four straight years.
Derrek def. Pat, 116.15-70.83:
Derrek got a huge game from Kirk Cousins (36.75) to win this one easily, despite taking a zero from the Minnesota defense. Pat's high scorer was Case Keenum (16.20).
Standings
- Matt, 2-0, 277.68
- Derrek, 2-0, 264.72
- Rob, 2-0, 236.09
- Kevin, 2-0, 230.09
- Pulley, 2-0, 226.51
- Schertz, 2-0, 208.89
- Ed, 1-1, 224.64
- Mike R., 1-1, 224.33
- Richie, 0-2, 214.10
- Babel, 0-2, 191.14
- Scott, 0-2, 175.59
- Rabbit, 0-2, 175.07
- Dave, 0-2, 161.78
- Pat, 0-2, 146.98
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums:
Mike R. (132.61) barely edged out Rob (132.39) for this one.
Slapped Heartbeat:
Pat's 70.83 made history, as he became the first person to have his heartbeat slapped the first two weeks of the season.
Weekly MVP:
Ben Roethlisberger led the way for Kevin with 43.00.
Dud of the Week:
A tale of two kickers: Babel got 1.00 from Chris Boswell, while Scott got 0.00 from Daniel Carlson.
Start of the Week:
Mike R. played Tevin Coleman's 13.10 over James White's 10.83 and won Blangums by an eyelash.
Misplay of the Week:
Richie once again left DeSean Jackson (23.20) on his bench, along with Amari Cooper (15.47) and Ryan Fitzpatrick (33.00). Instead, he played Randall Cobb (4.00), Derrick Henry (6.00), and Tom Brady (17.70).
Week 3 Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
D's Nuts (Derrek, 2-0, 2nd) vs. Harrison Hammers (Matt, 2-0, 1st):
All-time series tied, 6-6.
Everything about these teams seems pretty even right now, even down to their previous twelve matchups. D edged Matt by barely a point to take Blangums in week one, but Matt's stronger week two propelled him into first place overall. Matt and D are both among the strongest starts we've had to open a season, but one will need to fall to 2-1.
A quick look at the starters on these two teams, and you'd think Matt's clearly ahead. He has Russell Wilson (vs. DAL), Michael Thomas (@ATL), Melvin Gordon III (@LAR), and Rob Gronkowski (@DET). But Gordon's got a very tough matchup and Wilson's and Gronk's real teams don't seem to be as good as they once were.
When it comes to matchups, Derrek has both his QB (Kirk Cousins) and defense (Minnesota) going up against the hapless Bills. If James Conner (@TAM) can keep producing at 90% of Le'Veon Bell's level, I think D takes this one.
Pick: D's Nuts.
Other Blingamatches
Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 1-1, 8th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 2-0, 6th):
All-time series tied, 3-3.
The Gentleman's Tussle should be a good one this year, with Mike R. coming off a Team Blangums and Schertz sitting at 2-0. Adam Thielen (vs. BUF), Antonio Brown (@TAM), and Tevin Coleman (vs. NO) all have juicy matchups for Mike R., while Jordan Howard figures to be playing from ahead a lot @ARI for Schertz.
Pick: Bernie's Bullies.
Live Commish (Ed, 1-1, 7th) vs. Chili Right Away (Dave, 0-2, 13th):
Dave leads all-time series, 7-5.
This matchup has been a streaky one. Ed won the first five, but now Dave is on a seven-game winning streak. Is this the year that ends? Carson Wentz (vs. IND) is back for Dave, but is that enough to overcome his relatively weak flex spots (Chris Thompson (vs. GB) and Cooper Kupp (vs. LAC))? Ed will hope JuJu Smith-Schuster (@TAM) continues having big weeks and that Drew Brees (@ATL) continues being his old self.
Pick: Live Commish.
HuntFournetteOctober (Babel, 0-2, 10th) vs. Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 2-0, 5th):
Pulley leads all-time series, 9-7.
As enticing as our Game of the Blingaweek is, we now come to a stretch of three undefeated-vs-winless matchups. Pulley has ridden Todd Gurley II (vs. LAC) to great success this season, and has T.Y. Hilton (@PHI) against a surprisingly weak Eagles defense, to boot. Babel picked up target monster Quincy Enunwa (@CLE) to help spark his team, and has to like Mike Evans (vs. PIT) once again this week.
Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.
Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 0-2, 12th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 2-0, 4th):
Kevin leads all-time series, 6-5.
BlingaWoj really liked one of these team's preseason chances and really didn't like the other's. I'll let you guess which was which. Historically, Kevin's Blingabowl IX win is the tiebreaker among these two. Rabs will hope that stacking Matt Ryan and Julio Jones vs. NO will pull him to even, but LeSean McCoy (@MIN) has to start producing for him to have realistic playoff hopes. Kevin has Alvin Kamara (@ATL) in the same game, and Ben Roethlisberger (@TAM) with a favorable matchup.
Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.
Eggs eggs & more e (Richie, 0-2, 9th) vs. Rob for Today (Rob, 2-0, 3rd):
Richie leads all-time series, 4-3.
Richie's had a tough luck 0-2 start, as his scores should only result in being winless 11% of the time. He'll have Tom Brady (@DET) looking to put up a huge game against his former defensive coordinator and he's finally starting DeSean Jackson (vs. PIT). Outside those two, his matchups seem underwhelming. Rob doesn't have notable matchups, but Deshaun Watson (vs. NYG), A.J. Green (@CAR), Tyreek Hill (vs. SF), and Zach Ertz (vs. IND) are always dangerous. If Jay Ajayi (vs. IND) can continue to make up for lackluster yardage with touchdowns, Rob should take this in a laugher.
Pick: Rob for Today.
Noodles and Vistas (Pat, 0-2, 14th) vs. Not an MD (Scott, 0-2, 11th):
All-time series tied, 0-0.
Well, at least BlingaWoj had these two pegged correctly.
Pick: Noodles and Vistas (for real, it would be Scott, but we know he's not winning until he plays Rob).
Closing Thoughts
Week two was the eighth highest scoring of all time!