The Sanderson Gazette - 2019-09-11 - Keep Calm and Write from London
Week 1 Recap
Richie def. Matt, 126.54-120.70:
Our inaugural Dan Kane Shitty Memorial Bowl was worth the hype, as both Richie and Matt put up great scores. Sammy Watkins led all scorers, giving Richie 44.40 points. David Johnson (21.53) and Philip Rivers (25.25) added enough for Richie so that Joe Mixon's (1.93) injury didn't bite him in the ass. Matt wasted 36.60 from Austin Ekeler, 24.30 from Dalvin Cook, and 21.47 from Evan Engram because he played Jameis Winston (7.50) over Lamar Jackson (36.30).
Kevin def. Derrek, 121.30-111.03:
The Game of the Blingaweek stayed pretty close all week, with Kevin ultimately prevailing. Marlon Mack (25.40) and Keenan Allen (22.40) put up huge games for our 2016 champ, offsetting D's 35.60 from Christian McCaffrey. Matt Ryan (19.60) over Cam Newton (6.25) is easy to point to as the difference in this one.
Rob def. Pat, 115.23-102.27:
Rob needed DeAndre Hopkins to have a good Monday night game to defeat Pat, and the star WR delivered 26.80. Mark Andrews added 20.40, allowing Rob to win his sixth straight week one contest despite the rest of his roster being a bit underwhelming. Pat got 27.65 from Carson Wentz and 16.40 from Mike Thomas in the loss.
Ed def. Scott, 134.73-82.17:
Ed could rebrand his squad as Team DeSean/DeShaun, as misters Jackson (32.53) and Watson (30.40) led the way to a near-Blangums from the commish. T.Y. Hilton added 23.60 and the Jets defense added 20.00, more or less clinching this game prior to the 3:00 Sunday games. The lack of competition in this one was because no one except Patrick Mahomes (31.10) showed up for Scott.
Pulley def. Babel, 134.66-78.93:
Pulley rode the Patriots to his own near-Blangums. Tom Brady (28.55), Julian Edelman (13.47), and the Patriots defense (10.00) all scored above expectations, as did Amari Cooper (20.13) and Larry Fitzgerald (21.07). Babel was staring down a historically bad week one until Josh Jacobs (24.23) had a big Monday night game.
Schertz def. Mike R., 138.63-67.72:
Finally, we get to our Team Blangums and Slapped Heartbeat teams. In only the second Blangums/Slapped Heartbeat combo in week one ever, Schertz won the Gentleman's Tussle convincingly. Derrick Henry (30.40) led the way for Schertz, but it was the six other plays that scored in double digits that earned him his $10. Schertz's 138.63 is the sixth highest week one score of all time. Meanwhile, Mike R. put up the seventh lowest week one score ever.
Rabbit def. Dave, 100.34-89.82:
Rabs had an overall solid day, led by Mark Ingram II (22.70) and Chris Carson (19.27), as he won a relatively boring game against Dave. Alshon Jeffery (18.73) and the Vikings defense (16.00) were high scorers for Dave.
Standings
- Schertz, 1-0, 138.63
- Ed, 1-0, 134.73
- Pulley, 1-0, 134.66
- Richie, 1-0, 126.54
- Kevin, 1-0, 121.30
- Rob, 1-0, 115.23
- Rabbit, 1-0, 100.34
- Matt, 0-1, 120.70
- Derrek, 0-1, 111.03
- Pat, 0-1, 102.27
- Dave, 0-1, 89.82
- Scott, 0-1, 82.17
- Babel, 0-1, 78.93
- Mike R., 0-1, 67.72
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums:
Schertz's 138.63 is a great opening score, even if it would have been third best last year.
Slapped Heartbeat:
Mike R.'s 67.72 would have also been the worst score of week one last year.
Weekly MVP:
Sammy Watkins erupted for 44.40, leading Richie to victory.
Dud of the Week:
Sony Michel somehow put up a meager 1.40 in a game the Patriots won by 30 points, which is a big reason why Mike got his heartbeat slapped.
Start of the Week:
With Antonio Brown no longer on the Raiders, Richie could have been tempted to start Tyrrell Williams. While the de facto WR1 in Oakland did put up 20.00 points, sticking with Sammy Watkins's 44.40 was the difference between a win and a loss.
Misplay of the Week:
Matt confidently took Lamar Jackson (36.30) as his QB1, but then... declined to play him against a Dolphins team that many expected to be historically bad. Instead, he played Jameis Winston (7.50), who completely imploded against the 49ers.
Pickup of the Week:
Ed dropped the Broncos defense (-1.00) for the Jets defense (20.00). It didn't decide his game, but was a good maneuver.
Blessed Cahoots:
Richie avoided a devastating loss because his opponent played the wrong QB.
Playoff Odds
Since expansion, this is how often teams with each record have made the playoffs:
Week 2 Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
Live Commish (Ed, 1-0, 2nd) vs. Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 1-0, 3rd):
Pulley leads all-time series, 6-5.
Ed and Pulley put up the tenth and eleventh highest scores week one scores ever, respectively. Could we be in line for a repeat of their epic duel in week four of last year?
Early word on Ed's team is that his waiting on RBs doesn't matter. Deshaun Watson (vs. JAC), DeSean Jackson (@ATL), Julio Jones (vs. PHI), and T.Y. Hilton (@TEN) carried his team in week one. And mid-round RB Adrian Peterson (vs. DAL) looks to be the #1 in Washington for the next few weeks, at least.
Early word on Pulley's team is that depth doesn't matter. (Actually, you could say this has been the sustained word on Pulley's team the past several years.) Despite rostering three players not currently active (Melvin Gordon III, Kareem Hunt, and Rob Gronkowski), Pulley still put up a great week one performance. Le'Veon Bell (vs. CLE) faces a surprisingly weak opponent this week, and his Patriots trio (Tom Brady, Julian Edelman, defense) faces a Dolphins team that barely showed up last week.
Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.
Other Blingamatches
D's Nuts (Derrek, 0-1, 9th) vs. Rich vs the World (Richie, 1-0, 4th):
Derrek leads all-time series, 4-3.
Early word for D is that Cam Newton (vs. TAM) can be a frustrating fantasy QB. At least his other Panther (Christian McCaffrey) is a dominant player. Will he get Antonio Brown (@MIA) back this week, or will the ongoing drama surrounding the WR result in another absence?
Early word for Richie is that... he's back? Richie had a huge week one, but will it be sustainable if Sammy Watkins (@OAK) doesn't continue his Tyreek Hill impression? David Johnson (@BAL) certainly looks like he's legit once again, but this week could depend on Joe Mixon's (vs. SF) health.
Pick: D's Nuts.
Harrison Hammers (Matt, 0-1, 8th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 1-0, 1st):
Matt leads all-time series, 6-1.
Early word on Matt's team is that it pays to trust your draft. Richie did it against him, and Sammy Watkins delivered. Matt sat Lamar Jackson (vs. ARI) and paid the price. JuJu Smith-Schuster (vs. SEA) has to be licking his chops after seeing what the lowly Bengals did against the Seattle pass defense, and Matt also sends out a strong RB corps; Dalvin Cook (@GB) might have a tough matchup, but Todd Gurley (vs. NO) and Austin Ekeler (@DET) should have good weeks.
Early word on Schertz's team is that he's the class of the Blingaleague. That's what a week one Team Blangums means, right? While it's true that four of the eleven previous teams to be in first place after one week won the Sanderson Cup, two of the last four - including 2017 Schertz - missed the playoffs. As for week two, Schertz still has Saquon Barkley (vs. BUF), and he'll hope Russell Wilson (@PIT) and Tyler Lockett (@PIT) do to the Steelers what the Patriots just did.
Pick: schertzopotamus.
The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 1-0, 5th) vs. The Vistas are Back (Pat, 0-1, 10th):
Pat leads all-time series, 7-3.
Early word on Kevin's team is that good keepers take you a long way. Alvin Kamara (@LAR) and Marlon Mack (@TEN) had huge games in week one and look like they'll be solid all year. Matt Ryan (vs. PHI) salvaged a fine fantasy game out of a shitty real-life one, but should be better overall this week (look what Case Keenum did against the Eagles as evidence).
Early word on Pat is that he's not over the hump yet. A promising draft led to a disappointing first week. Carson Wentz (@ATL) did show up, and looks like a good play again, but will Josh Gordon (@MIA) put up as many points if Antonio Brown suits up?
Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.
Baker Baker One-Nine (Babel, 0-1, 13th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 1-0, 7th):
Rabbit leads all-time series, 8-5.
Early word on Babel is that Baker Mayfield (@NYJ) is not as good as advertised. Babel seems to agree, as he has Drew Brees (@LAR) slotted to start this week. Ezekiel Elliott (@WAS) looks good, as do all three of Babel's rookies: Josh Jacobs (vs. KC), Devin Singletary (@NYG), and T.J. Hockenson (vs. LAC).
Early word on Rabs is that he's the same guy he's been the past few years. From 2014 on, he's either scored just a hair over 100 or in the 80's in week one; the last two 100-point years, he's earned a bye, so that's encouraging. Davante Adams (vs. MIN) and Kirk Cousins (@GB) certainly should do better than they did last week, and Mark Ingram II (vs. ARI) has another weak opponent.
Pick: Pralines & Dick.
Super Bash Bros. (Dave, 0-1, 11th) vs. Rob for Today (Rob, 1-0, 6th):
Dave leads all-time series, 8-6.
Early word on Dave is his team is in bad shape. Tyreek Hill and Derrius Guice are both out for a few weeks, at least, and the rest of his team didn't fill in well. Aaron Rodgers (vs. MIN) has another tough matchup, though James White (@MIA) and Alshon Jeffery (@ATL) have good ones. Dave will be forced to hope Malcolm Brown's (vs. NO) week one goal line touches are a sign of things to come, or he's looking 0-2 right in the face.
Early word on Rob is that, like Rabbit, he's the same as always. A week one victory? Check. DeAndre Hopkins (vs. JAC)? Check. Brandin Cooks (vs. NO)? Jared Goff (vs. NO) should bounce back from a disappointing week, but will Damien Williams (@OAK) come through again? Will it matter against Dave's depleted team?
Pick: Rob for Today.
Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 0-1, 14th) vs. Me and My Mahomes (Scott, 0-1, 12th):
Mike R. leads all-time series, 1-0.
Early word on Mike is: yikes! Ben Roethlisberger (vs. SEA), Adam Thielen (@GB), Travis Kelce (@OAK), and Sony Michel (@MIA) all struggled in week one, but surely won't continue to be so bad. Kerryon Johnson (vs. LAC) could be key this week against a Chargers team that let Marlon Mack run all over them.
Early word on Scott is that Patrick Mahomes (@OAK) can't be a one-man team. Corey Davis (vs. IND) has nowhere to go but up after last week's zero, but Odell Beckham, Jr. (@NYJ) and Devonta Freeman (vs. PHI) have matchups that could lead to more disappointment.
Pick: Bernie's Bullies.
Closing Thoughts
Fun fact: this isn't actually the first Gazette sent from London!