The Sanderson Gazette - 2019-09-18 - Sacks of Shit
Even though it comes out to be roughly average in terms of the average score, week 2 was notably bad by a different measure.
There were six teams that scored less than 80 points in week 2. Only four weeks have seen more teams fail to break 80: week 4, 2015 (8 teams), week 10, 2015 (8), week 11, 2012 (7), and week 11, 2015 (7).
Week 2 Recap
Matt def. Schertz, 135.49-113.52:
Matt played Lamar Jackson this week and was rewarded with 32.60 points. Dalvin Cook added 26.33, and Austin Ekeler continued his great start with 19.53. Schertz got 25.20 from Russell Wilson and 22.13 from Aaron Jones, but his team just couldn't keep up with Matt's excellent performance.
Scott def. Mike R., 115.99-111.46:
The closest game of the week wasn't decided until Monday night. Mike got what he hoped for from the Browns defense (13.00), but Scott got a fantastic game from Odell Beckham, Jr. (27.47) to add to Patrick Mahomes's usual high score (35.05). And then these guys decided to swap a bunch of their core pieces!
Pulley def. Ed, 147.14-73.47:
If the Patriots defense had merely had a good week, Pulley still would have won. But since they put up an unthinkable 40.00, he grabbed Team Blangums. No one else on his team blew up, but Tom Brady (26.30), Greg Olsen (14.67), and Justin Tucker (13.00) all outperformed expectations. Ed took two zeroes from DeSean Jackson and O.J. Howard, dooming him for the week.
Babel def. Rabbit, 78.13-71.38:
Babel got less than a single point combined from his QB (Drew Brees, -0.10) and TE (T.J. Hockenson, 0.93)... and won! Ezekiel Elliott put up 18.30, which was enough to defeat Rabs, who only had two double digit scorers: Kyler Murray (18.35) and Davante Adams (14.13).
Pat def. Kevin, 87.25-75.97:
Nick Chubb (17.00) made up for David Njoku's zero on Monday night as Pat pulled to .500 on the year. Marquise Brown also continued his strong start with 11.47. Only Matt Breida (13.57) outperformed expectations for Kev.
Derrek def. Richie, 93.79-77.37:
Derrek scored less in week two than in his week one loss, but it was enough to defeat yet another of our sub-80 teams. Emmanuel Sanders (21.07) led the way for Derrek, and Antonio Brown (13.97) scored a touchdown in his Patriots debut. Kenny Golladay (21.60) and Tyrell Williams (12.13) were the lone bright spots for Richie.
Rob def. Dave, 102.52-72.44:
Mark Andrews (20.93) and Brandin Cooks (16.07) led the way for Rob, who'll take this relatively ugly win. Dave barely avoided getting his heartbeat slapped. He can credit Curtis Samuel (12.33) for that while shaking his fist at Alshon Jeffery (zero).
Standings
- Pulley, 2-0, 281.80
- Rob, 2-0, 217.75
- Matt, 1-1, 256.19
- Schertz, 1-1, 252.15
- Ed, 1-1, 208.20
- Derrek, 1-1, 204.82
- Richie, 1-1, 203.91
- Scott, 1-1, 198.16
- Kevin, 1-1, 197.27
- Pat, 1-1, 189.52
- Rabbit, 1-1, 171.72
- Babel, 1-1, 157.06
- Mike R., 0-2, 179.18
- Dave, 0-2, 162.26
Weekly Awards
Team Blangums:
Pulley's 147.14 paced the league this week, but surprisingly, it's only the fifth highest score ever in week two.
Slapped Heartbeat:
Rabbit's 71.38 earned him his first Slapped Heartbeat since week 11, 2015.
Weekly MVP:
The Patriots defense put up a ridiculous 40.00 for Pulley.
Dud of the Week:
So many to choose from. Let's go with Matt Prater, who scored -1.00 for Rabs.
Start of the Week:
Rob went with Mark Andrews (20.93) over Jimmy Graham (zero) in his TE slot.
Misplay of the Week:
Rabbit left Chris Godwin (22.13) on his bench in favor of Duke Johnson (3.10), costing himself a win.
Pickup of the Week:
Pat shrewdly replaced Aldrick Rosas (1.00) with Zane Gonzalez (9.00).
Blessed Cahoots:
It's rare to win a game in which you score 78.13 and your QB goes into the negative, but Babel did just that.
Pryor Play of the Week:
Odell Beckham, Jr. (27.47) bounced back from his single-digit week one performance, propelling Scott to victory on Monday night.
Playoff Odds
Since expansion, this is how often teams with each record have made the playoffs:
0-2: 22% (33% with week 3 win, 8% with loss)
1-1: 36% (43% with week 3 win, 30% with loss)
2-0: 74% (100% with week 3 win, 50% with loss)
Week 3 Preview
Game of the Blingaweek
D's Nuts (Derrek, 1-1, 6th) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 1-1, 4th):
Derrek leads all-time series, 5-2.
Our defending champ grabbed a critical win in week two; if he hadn't, he could be staring down an 0-3 start, as Schertz is one of three teams to break 110 in each of the first two weeks.
It doesn't help Derrek that several of his players look far less promising than they did at draft time. Cam Newton (@ARI) has struggled a ton so far this year. James Conner (@SF) is dealing with an injury. And there's a very real chance Antonio Brown (@vs. NYJ) gets suspended.
Meanwhile, Schertz has weathered through the loss of Andrew Luck well. Russell Wilson (vs. NO) and Tyler Lockett (vs. NO) are a good 1-2 punch, and Saquon Barkley (@TAM) is steadily productive. If Derrick Henry (@JAC) continues to look like a top ten RB, Schertz could be looking at a Blingabowl appearance.
Pick: schertzopotamus.
Other Blingamatches
Harrison Hammers (Matt, 1-1, 3rd) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 1-1, 11th):
Rabbit leads all-time series, 10-5.
The two participants from Blingabowl II and Blingabowl IV are coming off wildly different results in week two. Matt rode Lamar Jackson (@KC) to a 130-point outburst, while Rabs stumbled to the worst score of the week. In addition to Jackson, Matt has been getting great output from Dalvin Cook (vs. OAK) and Austin Ekeler (vs. HOU). Rabs will hope Davante Adams (vs. DEN) starts living up to the expectations that come with being the #1 overall pick and that Chris Carson (vs. NO) stops fumbling.
Pick: Harrison Hammers.
Baker Baker One-Nine (Babel, 1-1, 12th) vs. Rob for Today (Rob, 2-0, 2nd):
Rob leads all-time series, 8-5.
Rob enters this matchup having won the last five Dickran Duels. And so far this year, these two have been their usual selves. Since 2013, Rob has a stellar 10-4 record in weeks 1 and 2; somehow, Babel is a remarkably awful 2-12 over the same time frame. Rob will look for DeAndre Hopkins (@LAC) to bounce back from a disappointing week two, and that Jared Goff (@CLE) gets the better of Baker Mayfield (vs. LAR) in their real-life matchup. But the single best player matchup in this one belongs to Babel; Ezekiel Elliott plays against the historically awful Dolphins.
Pick: Baker Baker One-Nine.
Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 2-0, 1st) vs. The Vistas are Back (Pat, 1-1, 10th):
Pulley leads all-time series, 9-1.
Only once in the last seven years has Pulley not started 2-0. He'll have a lot going on in the Patriots-Jets game this week, with Tom Brady, Julian Edelman, Le'Veon Bell, and the Patriots defense going. Meanwhile, Pat has more than tripled his expected wins through two weeks from last season. He'll be hoping Josh Gordon does a good amount of scoring in the aforementioned Pats-Jets tilt, and also that Carson Wentz (vs. DET) won't miss his top two receivers too much.
Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.
Me and My Mahomes (Scott, 1-1, 8th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 1-1, 9th):
Kevin leads all-time series, 1-0.
Kevin had a great week one and a bad week two. Scott did the opposite. But in this matchup, it could be that Kev is getting Scott at the right time; Scott's Chiefs - Patrick Mahomes and the newly-acquired Travis Kelce - go up against a tough Ravens defense this week. Mike Evans (vs. NYG) should bounce back for Kevin against a bad Giants defense, but does Kev now need to be concerned about Alvin Kamara's (@SEA) production in a Brees-less world?
Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.
Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 0-2, 13th) vs. Taking a Golladay (Richie, 1-1, 7th):
Richie leads all-time series, 4-3.
Richie went through at least three name changes since Sunday, but he finally settled on a clever one. And his namesake, Kenny Golladay (@PHI), is coming off a great game. If David Johnson (vs. CAR) and Joe Mixon (@BUF) are healthy, his team looks a lot better. Mike quickly moved to replace Ben Roethlisberger with Dak Prescott (vs. MIA) after the former was sent to IR; Prescott's matchup this week could swing this one.
Pick: Bernie's Bullies.
Live Commish (Ed, 1-1, 5th) vs. Super Bash Bros. (Dave, 0-2, 14th):
Dave leads all-time series, 7-6.
Ed will be rooting for a high-scoring affair between the Falcons and the Colts, as he has Julio Jones and T.Y. Hilton. Deshaun Watson (@LAC) has a tough matchup, but the Giants could be the cure for O.J. Howard's funk. Meanwhile, Dave will be looking for Aaron Rodgers (vs. DEN) to finally deliver a big game.
Pick: Live Commish.
Closing Thoughts
You might not have noticed, but Pulley's 1.87 expected wins are the most ever through two weeks.