The Sanderson Gazette - 2020-12-03 - Bashed

Week 12 Recap

Schertz def. Dave, 112.00-29.68:

"Oh I'm very far ahead of you and as a man from the future, I advise you to just stop watching" - Mike R., either in regards to the Bears' Sunday night performance or Dave's overall performance.

We have a new record! It was hard to fathom that a score could dip lower than Pat's 30.13 in week 11, 2012, but Dave managed it. And unlike Pat, he actually set a full, active lineup! Five players on Dave's team scored less than 3 points: Derek Carr (1.25), Jerry Jeudy (zero), Noah Fant (1.73), CeeDee Lamb (2.30), and the Bears defense (-7.00). Dave played more Broncos pass catchers than there were passes completed by the Denver offense.

Meanwhile, Schertz had two players, Deshaun Watson (35.30) and Derrick Henry (36.73), outscore Dave as individuals. That duo made up for some duds from the rest of his team - namely Jonnu Smith (zero) and Jalen Reagor (1.47) - and kept him alive for a playoff berth.

Richie def. Pulley, 175.40-98.55:

We very nearly had both the all-time high and all-time low fall this week, but Richie will have to settle for the highest score of 2020 (so far), instead. It was Tyreek Hill's 53.87 that did the most damage, but no one on his team scored below 10.00 (Stephen Gostkowski). Pulley got big games from Aaron Rodgers (27.75) and the Green Bay defense (14.00), but could only watch as Richie's team ran roughshod all over him.

Rabbit def. Babel, 125.63-97.33:

If, on Friday morning, you had heard that someone was going to challenge the all-time high score, you'd have assumed it was Rabbit. On Thanksgiving, he got 34.80 from Will Fuller V, 20.93 from Amari Cooper, and 10.37 from Logan Thomas. But he cooled off a ton over the weekend, as exemplified by Kyler Murray's 8.60. It was still more than enough to beat Babel, who had a bad QB day of his own from Cam Newton (3.30).

Rob def. Pat, 117.21-77.99:

Rob was also in play for Blangums after Thanksgiving thanks to Antonio Gibson (32.30) and T.J. Hockenson (11.87). But Nick Chubb (24.67) was his only real breakout performer over the weekend, and Russell Wilson (15.70) and Tyler Lockett (3.07) disappointed on Monday night. However, like Rabs, his total was still more than enough to win. Pat got 21.63 from David Montgomery, but little else, and slid out of playoff contention officially.

Derrek def. Scott, 113.84-85.57:

Derrek's Steeler-heavy lineup - in a week where they nearly had their game completely canceled - turned out to not matter, as even without Diontae Johnson (6.13), Eric Ebron (7.20), and the Pittsburgh defense (14.00), he would have outscored Scott. Mr. Beitzel got 34.90 from Patrick Mahomes II, but Darius Slayton's zero and Miles Sanders's 4.43 doomed him.

Mike R. def. Kevin, 112.38-78.79:

Mike pulled a big upset behind James Robinson (22.93), DeVante Parker (15.87), and Jason Myers (12.00), though really the story here was Kevin's second straight dud. The 49ers defense (17.00) came through for Kev, but everyone else on his team failed to hit their Yahoo projections (while Jarvis Landry's 25.07 sat on his bench).

Ed def. Matt, 99.54-74.48:

As noted last week, Ed just has Matt's number, especially in week 12. This year, it was A.J Brown (25.07) and Younghoe Koo (21.00) coming through big for the commish, offsetting Matt's huge advantage between the two defenses (Washington (15.00) over Dallas (-2.00)). Also notable for Matt was the high risk / high reward play of Kendall Hinton; the emergency Denver QB (I'm making sure to note this because I'm not sure we'll ever mention him again in a Gazette) busted hard with -3.15.

Standings

  1. Rob, 7-5, 1,356.96
  2. Kevin, 7-5, 1,274.10
  3. Matt, 7-5, 1,237.70
  4. Pulley, 7-5, 1,224.75
  5. Babel, 7-5, 1,220.01
  6. Derrek, 7-5, 1,202.51
  7. Scott, 7-5, 1,183.58
  8. Schertz, 6-6, 1,294.64
  9. Richie, 6-6, 1,237.60
  10. Rabbit, 6-6, 1,211.43
  11. Mike R., 6-6, 1,183.23
  12. Ed, 4-8, 1,263.78 (e)
  13. Pat, 4-8, 1,060.18 (e)
  14. Dave, 3-9, 893.09 (e)

Blingalytics Ratings

  1. Schertz, 615
  2. Rob, 599
  3. Ed, 572
  4. Kevin, 558
  5. Matt, 536
  6. Derrek, 527
  7. Pulley, 525
  8. Babel, 522
  9. Richie, 509
  10. Mike R., 496
  11. Scott, 494
  12. Rabbit, 488
  13. Pat, 336
  14. Dave, 224

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums:

Richie's 175.40 is the third highest score ever (second highest regular season score).

Slapped Heartbeat:

Dave's 29.68 is the first sub-30 score we've ever had. Every team could have beaten Dave with just their top two scorers, and four (Rabbit, Richie, Rob, and Schertz) could have beaten him with just one player.

Weekly MVP:

Tyreek Hill's 53.87 for Richie is probably the record for a single player, so this is an easy one. (CORRECTION: Jamaal Charles scored 58.00 in the 2013 semifinals, so Hill's score is *not* the record.)

Dud of the Week:

The Bears defense bottomed out at -7.00 for Dave.

Start of the Week:

If Dave had played Carlos Hyde's 3.13, he'd have put up a total of 30.51 and we'd be talking about the second worst score of all time. But he chose CeeDee Lamb, who put up 2.30, and made history.

Misplay of the Week:

Richie had a great week, but he would be the new record holder if he had played Tom Brady (24.65) over Ben Roethlisberger (15.20). It's reminiscent of week 9, 2014 (scroll to "Misplay of the Week"), when Rabbit would have broken the record (and 190 points!) if he had played Roethlisberger.

Pickup of the Week:

Ed picked up Younghoe Koo at kicker and got 21.00 points for his effort.

Playoff Scenarios

Rob clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win.

Rob clinches a bye with:

  • a win AND losses by four of Kevin, Matt, Babel, Derrek, and Scott.

Rob clinches first place with:

  • a win AND a Kevin loss AND a Matt loss AND a Babel loss AND a Derrek loss AND a Scott loss.

Kevin clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win.

Kevin clinches a bye with:

  • a win AND a Matt loss AND a Babel loss AND a Derrek loss AND a Scott loss.

Matt clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win.

Matt clinches a bye with:

  • a win AND a Kevin loss AND a Babel loss AND a Derrek loss AND a Scott loss.

Pulley clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win.

Pulley clinches a bye with:

  • a win AND losses by four of Kevin, Matt, Babel, Derrek, and Scott.

Babel clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win.

Babel clinches a bye with:

  • a win AND a Kevin loss AND a Matt loss AND a Derrek loss AND a Scott loss.

Derrek clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win.

Derrek clinches a bye with:

  • a win AND a Kevin loss AND a Matt loss AND a Babel loss AND a Scott loss.

Scott clinches a playoff berth with:

  • a win.

Scott clinches a bye with:

  • a win AND a Kevin loss AND a Matt loss AND a Babel loss AND a Derrek loss.

(Dave, Ed, and Pat have been eliminated from playoff contention.)

Playoff Scenarios, Part II (The 7-5 Teams)

Despite the unprecedented scenario of having seven teams tied for first place (we've only had six teams tied for for first in the second half of the year once, every seven-win team controls their own destiny. That is because Rob and Pulley face off in the Clash of Hatred, which caps the number of eight-win teams at six.

Rob is currently in first place and way ahead of all the other seven-win teams in points. Although technically he'll need four of the five non-Pulley others to lose to clinch a bye, it is all but certain that he'll be our regular season first place team if he wins. If he loses, he definitely won't be in first place (Pulley will have a better record), but he can get a bye if all the other seven-win teams lose, too. His chances of missing the playoffs completely are slim; he'd need to lose and all the other 7-5 teams would need to win. And if just one loses, Schertz could win and outscore Rob by 63 points or more to pass him.

Kevin's rival is Dave, so he is the most likely seven-win team to win. He has a good points cushion on the rest of the non-Rob seven-win teams, so a win probably means a bye. But with a loss, he'd likely get passed by Schertz if he wins vs. his own easy opponent, Pat. So, like Rob, if Kevin does manage to lose to Dave, he'll need at least one other 7-5 teams outside of the Rob-Pulley matchup to lose to assure himself a playoff spot.

Matt is currently in third and has a small lead on Pulley and Babel in points. But with Schertz and Richie sitting at 6-6 with good point totals, Matt has a fairly high risk of missing the playoff if he loses.

Pulley and Babel are within five points of each other, and like Matt, could easily be passed by others if they lose.

Derrek is holding onto the sixth spot right now, and a loss means he will be out of the playoffs. This is because his week 13 opponent, Rabbit, is 6-6 and currently ahead of him in points.

Scott is in the same situation as Derrek; Richie is just a game behind him and already ahead in points.

Adding to the craziness of 2020, it's not hard to envision any of the current 7-5 teams getting a bye. All they need is to win themselves and see several of the others lose... which just happened in week 12.

Playoff Scenarios, Part III (The 6-6 Teams)

Among the 6-6 teams, Schertz has by far the most points (second overall!), but also needs the most help, since he doesn't play a 7-5 team. First and foremost, he needs to win vs. Pat. Then, he needs to root for Rob (since he'll pass Pulley at 7-6, but likely not Rob) and for any other 7-5 team to lose. At that point, it's extremely likely Schertz would make the playoffs. He also can get a bye if Rob wins and all the other seven-win teams lose.

Richie's near-record week 12 took him from afterthought to legitimate playoff contender. The bottom line is that he needs to pass three teams to make the playoffs. If he wins, he'll for sure pass Scott, so that's one. And since he's already ahead of or effectively tied with Derrek, Babel, Pulley, and Matt in points and tied with Schertz in record, he'll need two of that group to lose, which isn't an especially farfetched scenario.

Rabbit needs a bit more help than Richie, since he'll need to pass four teams to make it and he is only ahead of Derrek and Scott in points. In some ways, that makes his path more straightforward: he needs to win and for Scott, Schertz, and Richie to lose (his win will take care of Derrek). Alternatively, he could win with a good-to-great score and open up passing Babel, Pulley, or Matt as an option.

Finally, there's Mike R. He is currently behind all the 7-5 and 6-6 teams in points, so he needs utter chaos to make the playoffs.

Week 13 Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 7-5, 4th) vs. Rub for Today (Rob, 7-5, 1st):

Rob leads all-time series, 10-8.

Pulley's had a weird season. He started off by becoming the second team to ever start 7-0, but then lost his next five. He now finds himself probably needing to win to extend his playoff streak to eight years. Aaron Rodgers (vs. PHI) has been great all year, and fellow Packers Aaron Jones (vs. PHI) and their defense (vs. PHI) look to feast on a bad Eagles team. But the rest of his roster is in rougher shape. Kenyan Drake (vs. LAR) has been solid since his return from injury, and he'll probably have to have a big game for Pulley to upset his rival.

Rob got a big win last week to break a three game losing streak of his own and jump from sixth place to first. The latter happened because all the other seven-win teams lost; the only way Rob will miss the playoffs is if the complete reversal happens in week 13. Nick Chubb (@TEN) has delivered since Rob traded for him, and Antonio Gibson (@PIT) has been on a tear lately (though faces a tough defense this week). If Russell Wilson (vs. NYG) and Tyler Lockett (vs. NYG) can bounce back from a weak week 12, Rob should come out on top of the Clash of Hatred for the third season in a row.

Pick: Rub for Today.

Other Blingamatches

The Fantasy FB Team (Scott, 7-5, 7th) vs. DK Country (Richie, 6-6, 9th):

All-time series tied, 1-1.

All year long, Scott looked poised to make the playoffs for the first time ever. But three of his four worst games of the season have come the last three weeks, causing him to need a win over a suddenly red-hot Richie. Patrick Mahomes II (vs. DEN) gives Scott an edge, and with Will Fuller V now suspended, Brandin Cooks (vs. IND) looks all the better.

Richie, like Pulley, started 4-0. He then lost six straight, but has completely turned it around with a good week 11 and a near-record week 12. Tyreek Hill (vs. DEN) could neutralize Mahomes, and Austin Ekeler (vs. NE) is back and finally gives Richie a solid RB to play.

Pick: DK Country.

D's Nuts (Derrek, 7-5, 6th) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 6-6, 10th):

Rabbit leads all-time series, 8-6.

Derrek rebounded nicely from a midseason stretch where he failed to break 80 points in four of five weeks to put up 110 or more the last three. Those four bad weeks have some consequences, though, as he's now in a true do-or-die situation; if he wins, he's in, but if he loses, he'll fall behind Rabbit, making it very unlikely that he sneaks into the playoffs. Kirk Cousins (vs. JAC) and Justin Jefferson (vs. JAC) have been a big part of D's hot streak, and Frank Gore (vs. LV) has surprisingly emerged as a valuable option lately.

Rabbit started 0-3, scoring between 92 and 101 each time. From that point forward, he's either scored more than 110 or less than 90, and it's resulted in him winning enough to have an outside shot at making the playoffs. Will Fuller V has been great for Rabs, but is now suspended for the rest of the season. Kyler Murray (vs. LAR) looked like a fantasy MVP candidate, but is coming off a really rough week. If the Kansas City defense (vs. DEN) can take advantage of the lowly Broncos, Rabs could disrupt D's season and keep his own hopes alive.

Pick: D's Nuts.

Bernie's Urgent Care (Mike R., 6-6, 11th) vs. Harrison Hammers (Matt, 7-5, 3rd):

Matt leads all-time series, 13-5.

For a while, Mike was the model of consistency, scoring between 89 and 120 from week 1 through week 9. Since then, he's had his two worst scores, but still managed to win two of three and have a very long shot at making the playoffs. James Robinson (@MIN) was a great late-season acquisition, both for the present and the future, and fellow potential keeper Brandon Aiyuk (vs. BUF) will be playable this week, as well.

Matt was on quite a tear until his hugely disappointing week 12. This week, Dalvin Cook (vs. JAC) has a great matchup and Julio Jones (vs. NO) should be back. DeAndre Hopkins (vs. LAR) has been in the single digits for three of the past four weeks, though, so Matt has some right to be concerned. But then again, it's week 13 vs. his rival, and Matt owns Mike in week 13 as Ed owns Matt in week 12.

Pick: Harrison Hammers.

Super Bash Bros. (Dave, 3-9, 14th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 7-5, 2nd):

Kevin leads all-time series, 11-4.

We've talked about Dave enough in this issue.

After week 10, Kevin moved into first place. Since then he hasn't cracked 80 points. Good thing he's playing Dave this week!

Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.

Live Commish (Ed, 4-8, 12th) vs. Keep Calm & Kerryon (Babel, 7-5, 5th):

Babel leads all-time series, 11-5.

Ed's team has been more dangerous than his record all year, so he certainly could be a thorn in his rival's side this week. A.J. Brown (vs. CLE) has been a monster, but Alvin Kamara (@ATL) has taken a huge step backwards with Taysom Hill as his QB. It also hurts that D.J. Moore, Mike Davis, and Ronald Jones II are all on bye this week.

Babel's been pretty consistently competitive all year. He's only broken 120 twice, but he's only scored less than 90 once. Travis Kelce (vs. DEN) has been his MVP; if he were a WR, he'd have the 4th most points at the position, while the next best TE (Robert Tonyan) would be ranked 31st!

Pick: Keep Calm & Kerryon.

schertzopotamus (Schertz, 6-6, 8th) vs. The Vistas are Back (Pat, 4-8, 13th):

All-time series tied, 4-4.

There's a case to be made (based mostly on expected wins) that Schertz is the best team in the league (again) this year, but he'd be mathematically eliminated if not for that miracle Jonnu Smith (vs. CLE) finish back in week 5. As it stands, a win this week leaves him with a very good chance to make the playoffs. Deshaun Watson (vs. IND) and Derrick Henry (vs. CLE) have carried Schertz, and Stefon Diggs (@SF) and Kareem Hunt (@TEN) have also been quite good.

Pat never really got his season together, so all he can hope is that Justin Herbert (vs. NE) and David Montgomery (vs. DET) can lead him to a rivalry week upset.

Pick: schertzopotamus.

Closing Thoughts

This year has been crazy, but super fun to write about. Let's finish strong!