Week 1 is here, and for the first time ever, we open with a set of matchups that reflect last year's final standings.

Week 1 Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin) vs. Harrison Hammers (Matt)

Kevin leads all-time series, 10-5.

Kevin's on the short list of best franchises over the past five years - only Pulley has more wins (44 vs. 42) and only Derrek has as many Sanderson Cups (2). Week 1 has been a big part of Kevin's success, too; after finishing in last place in 2014 and 2015, Kevin started off 2016 well with a 119.88 outburst. He's opened up 1-0 every year since, bringing his week 1 record over .500 with last year's Team Blangums... in which he famously didn't play a kicker.

Matt's an elite Blingaleague franchise, as well, but his historical week 1 record is surprisingly weak. His most notable week 1, fittingly, is when his heartbeat got slapped back in 2013, just before he went on to have one of the most dominant seasons ever.

This year, Kevin once again does not have his lineup set as of The Gazette's publication. Assuming he sets it before Sunday, I'll go with his team - led by Davante Adams (@NO), Josh Allen (vs. PIT), and Clyde Edwards-Helaire (vs. CLE) - in a close one over Matt's roster of Dalvin Cook (@CIN), Lamar Jackson (@LV), and DeAndre Hopkins (@TEN).

Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.

Other Blingamatches

Keep Calm & Kerryon (Babel) vs. Pullman's MondoSquad

Babel leads all-time series, 11-10.

Babel hasn't broken 100 points in week 1 since his championship 2014 season. Meanwhile, his opponent is on an eight game winning streak in season openers and was the recipient of the first Team Blangums ever.

This year's matchup features TEs taken back-to-back in the second round: Darren Waller (vs. BAL) for Babel and George Kittle (@DET) for Pulley. Outside of that, Babel's team projects slightly higher, but I can't pick against this much history.

Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.

D's Nuts (Derrek) vs. Rob for Today (Rob)

Rob leads all-time series, 9-8.

Derrek's been just a little above average in week 1. His best week 1 score - the second-highest week 1 score ever - coincides with his best season. Until last year, Rob - like his rival - was on an impressive week 1 winning streak. And while his rival took home Team Blangums in our first opener, Rob had the fortune of going up against the first Slapped Heartbeat.

Both D (Patrick Mahomes (vs. CLE)) and Rob (Dak Prescott (@TAM)) boldly took QBs early. I'm going to be lazy and let that one position's matchups determine my pick.

Pick: D's Nuts.

DK Country (Richie) vs. Where's My State Farm Discount (Scott)

Richie leads all-time series, 2-1.

Raise your hand if you remembered that Richie finished just outside the playoffs last year. Anyway, Richie plays in the most competitive week 1 games of anyone; the average margin of his openers is just 14.44 (well ahead of Rob's 20.94 mark). On the other side of this rivalry, Scott tends to play in week 1 blowouts (41.00 average margin).

Whose historical trend will rule this year? Richie's set to play Trevor Lawrence (@HOU) at QB along with his fantastic young WRs (DK Metcalf (@IND) and Calvin Ridley (vs. PHI)), while Scott will lean on first rounder Nick Chubb (@KC).

Pick: DK Country.

schertzopotamus (Schertz) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit)

Rabbit leads all-time series, 7-2.

Pulley might have a better week 1 record, but Schertz has the most week 1 Team Blangums awards. His most recent week 1 payout occurred in his 2019 Sanderson Cup year. Rabs has struggled in week 1 as of late. He's scored below 100 four of the past six years, and barely broke into triple digits the other two. And despite being the premier franchise for the league's first half-decade, he also has the unfortunately distinction of being our first Slapped Heartbeat recipient.

Schertz has the edge at WR - Stefon Diggs (vs. PIT) and Mike Evans (vs. DAL) - this week, but Rabs has a bigger edge at RB (Christian McCaffrey (vs. NYJ)) and QB (Kyler Murray (@TEN)).

Pick: Pralines & Dick.

Bernie's Bullies (Mike R.) vs. The Vistas are Back (Pat)

Mike R. leads all-time series, 9-4.

As it turns out, Mike is the anti-Pulley, at least in week 1. The Bullies' last week 1 victory was in 2013, when they exploded for 135.37 points. Meanwhile, Pat is on his own week 1 losing streak. His first loss in that run was also the first loss in his historic run of five straight Slapped Heartbeats to begin the 2018 season.

Mike R. is already in midseason form, with Chris Godwin (vs. DAL) at risk of missing the Thursday night opener. Pat has his own questionable receiver in the form of Kenny Golladay (vs. DEN), though.

Pick: Bernie's Bullies.

Live Commish (Ed) vs. Super Bash Bros. (Dave)

Dave leads all-time series, 8-7.

Despite settling into permanent also-ran status, Ed has a surprisingly good week 1 record. His most recent week 1 result wound up being a pretty good snapshot of his 2020 season - a good score, but a loss. Dave's been a real mixed bag in week 1 games. He does have the highest week one score ever, but he also hasn't broken 90 points the past three years.

Dave has a lot of Cowboys - CeeDee Lamb (@TAM), Amari Cooper (@TAM), and Greg Zuerlein (@TAM) - and they don't have the best matchup. Ed's team looks better on paper, which means this one might come down to two players on Monday night, Josh Jacobs (vs. BAL) and Justin Tucker (@LV).

Pick: Live Commish.

Closing Thoughts

Not to put too much pressure on us all, but the past three week 1 Team Blangums winners - and six of thirteen in total - have all gone on to win the Sanderson Cup.

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