The Sanderson Gazette - 2023-01-09 - From Chat Czar to Champion

Blingabowl XV Recap

Mike R. def. Rob, 107.83-97.61

Blingabowl XV started innocuously enough in week 17. Mike, with his usual end-of-year injury-plagued roster, opted to play Malik Davis (6.97) on Thursday night. Davis did OK. But then Tom Brady (40.50) had an absolutely amazing Sunday, and it looked like Mike was in the driver seat to take home Sandy.

Rob clawed back, though, as Mike Williams (12.53), Tyler Conklin (10.67), and A.J. Dillon (10.10) all did enough to set the stage for a dramatic Monday night showdown between Joe Burrow (for Rob) and Tee Higgins (for Mike).

But then Damar Hamlin nearly died and Monday night football was canceled.

In an unprecedented move, the two championship participants agreed to use scores from week 18 to decide things. Mike took a 94.40-84.86 lead into week 18, and Derrick Henry added 13.43 on Saturday. Rob needed a middle-of-the-road game from Joe Burrow, but the Bengals QB put up just 12.75, his lowest total of the year, and the Sanderson Cup will be Mike's for the next year.

Third-Place Game Recap

Dave def. Derrek, 126.10-100.63

Derrek's tight end (Dawson Knox) was also zeroed out by the Monday night cancellation, but it didn't matter. Dave got 32.40 from Davante Adams and 25.00 from D'Andre Swift and took home third place comfortably.

Final Standings

  1. Mike R.
  2. Rob
  3. Dave
  4. Derrek
  5. Rabbit
  6. Pat
  7. Ed
  8. Pulley
  9. Schertz
  10. Scott
  11. Matt
  12. Kevin
  13. Richie
  14. Babel

Final Payouts

  • Mike R.: $189 (50% Blingabowl champion plus 50% second place)
  • Rob: $189 (50% Blingabowl champion plus 50% second place)
  • Dave: $62 (third place plus one Team Blangums award)
  • Derrek: $60 (three Team Blangums awards)
  • Rabbit: $60 (three Team Blangums awards)
  • Schertz: $40 (two Team Blangums awards)
  • Matt: $40 (two Team Blangums awards)
  • Kevin: $40 (two Team Blangums awards)
  • Scott: $20 (one Team Blangums award)

Annual Awards

Team Blangums

This was a weird year. Mike R. won the Blingabowl, but was tenth by points and expected wins. Dave had the most expected wins, but laid a huge egg in the semifinals. Schertz had the most points, but didn't even make the playoffs.

So we'll recognize Rob, who was in first place from week 5 on and came heartbreakingly close to taking home the Sanderson Cup.

Slapped Heartbeat

This one's easy: Babel finished in last place by three games and only barely surpassed Pulley in total points.

Annual MVP

Derrek's Patrick Mahomes II finished more than 30 points better than the next-best QB, but that gap was even more pronounced with Dave's Travis Kelce, who outscored the #2 tight end by more than 80!

Dud of the Year

It has to be Jonathan Taylor (for Derrek). Despite being the consensus 1.01 pick (whom D kept for 1.12), he had a very disappointing year due to injuries and the Colts' general awfulness.

Pickup of the Year

This one's tough, because there really wasn't a great waiver wire wonder in 2022. So let's get creative: Mike R. picked up Greg Dortch, and played him and his meager 2.00 points in the Blingabowl. But had he played a RB instead, he wouldn't have been able to play Derrick Henry in week 18, and would have instead likely gone with Tee Higgins's 0.93 and lost to Rob.

Season Postmortems

Rob, 10-4 (0.714), 1,454.97 points, 1st place (regular season), 2nd place (playoffs), 8.35 expected wins

Rob was in first place from week 5 on and won more than eight games for the first time in franchise history just a year after finishing 2-12.

It ended badly, though, as Rob now has three of the four closest losses in Blingabowl history.

Heading into next year, he'll have some options with A.J. Dillon for a 4th, Jaylen Waddle for a 5th, Calvin Ridley for a 9th, and maybe even Nick Chubb for 1.13.

Mike R., 9-5 (0.643), 1,326.37 points, 2nd place (regular season), Blingabowl XV champion (playoffs), 6.22 expected wins

It's fitting that our worst champion ever was Mike, who had two great teams that didn't even make the Blingabowl.

"A big thank you to the bottom four teams in the league this year being so clearly in their own tier and keeping me afloat." - Mike R.

For 2023, Mike has Derrick Henry as an option for pick 1.14, and he picked up Eli Mitchell (7th) in week 18. He also has Zonovan Knight (9th). But it's not surprising a team that went all-in doesn't have a lot of options.

Blingapower Rankings

14. Scott (last year: 14th)

  • 2022: 6-8, 1,455.35 points, 7.78 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 16-25, 3,739.93 points, 16.01 expected wins
  • All-time: 26-41, 6,487.53 points, 29.88 expected wins

Scott spent a lot of 2022 in playoff position, but ultimately fell short; he has yet to make the playoffs in his five seasons, and his 2021 is still the benchmark by which all terrible teams will be judged.

NFL equivalent: New York Jets, Breece Hall included.

13. Ed (last year: 12th)

  • 2022: 7-7, 1,445.67 points, 7.87 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 17-24, 4,235.31 points, 22.84 expected wins
  • All-time: 94-103, 19,775.68 points, 102.98 expected wins

Look, Ed's a stronger franchise than Pat. We all know it. But he now has the longest playoff drought, and, well, #PlayoffPat finally happened, so Ed's going to drop a spot. (But would you have guessed he was third in expected wins over the past three years? Only Derrek and Schertz have more.)

NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks (but don't ask why, this one was hard to determine).

12. Pat (last year: 13th)

  • 2022: 8-6, 1,267.28 points, 5.48 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 16-25, 3,809.01 points, 16.61 expected wins
  • All-time: 72-112, 16,499.69 points, 70.61 expected wins

Pat put up his best season ever and finally made the playoffs, but once there, showed why he's a lovable underdog.

NFL equivalent: Still the Detroit Lions, D.J. Chark, Jr. included.

11. Richie (last year: 10th)

  • 2022: 6-8, 1,278.64 points, 5.59 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 22-19, 4,231.75 points, 21.60 expected wins
  • All-time: 63-82, 13,772.10 points, 63.69 expected wins

Richie was pretty bad this year, but he's just a year removed from setting the all-time single-season points record.

NFL equivalent: New Orleans Saints, just on a more drawn-out timeline.

10. Pulley (last year: 7th)

  • 2022: 7-7, 1,194.63 points, 4.41 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 20-21, 3,876.82 points, 17.76 expected wins
  • All-time: 113-84, 19,968.31 points, 104.45 expected wins

Pulley's had a rough few years after being the class of the Blingaleague for a stretch. Also, Rob hates him.

NFL equivalent: New England Patriots.

9. Babel (last year: 3rd)

  • 2022: 3-11, 1,198.19 points, 4.54 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 21-20, 4,121.43 points, 20.98 expected wins
  • All-time: 99-98, 19,993.31 points, 104.55 expected wins

Babel might have been a touch high last year, so his Slapped Heartbeat of a year causes a big slide.

NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals.

8. Kevin (last year: 6th)

  • 2022: 6-8, 1,355.99 points, 6.80 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 19-22, 4,140.60 points, 20.64 expected wins
  • All-time: 96-101, 19,558.84 points, 99.86 expected wins

Kevin's did win the Sanderson Cup two years ago, but hasn't finished higher than 9th since then. This spot feels about right for him.

NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos.

7. Schertz (last year: 5th)

  • 2022: 6-8, 1,565.59 points, 9.02 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 21-20, 4,367.44 points, 24.00 expected wins
  • All-time: 73-72, 14,651.22 points, 74.93 expected wins

Like Kevin, Schertz hasn't been to the playoffs since winning the championship. He did lead the league in points this year, though.

NFL equivalent: Baltimore Ravens, Lamar Jackson included.

6. Rob (last year: 9th)

  • 2022: 10-4, 1,454.97 points, 8.35 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 19-22, 4,083.21 points, 20.02 expected wins
  • All-time: 104-93, 19,802.16 points, 102.94 expected wins

Rob has been in first place for more weeks over the past three years than anyone. That's despite having a 2-12 record and finishing in last in 2021.

NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers.

5. Mike R. (last year: 11th)

  • 2022: 9-5, 1,326.37 points, 6.22 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 19-22, 3,972.78 points, 19.37 expected wins
  • All-time: 96-101, 19,299.60 points, 96.58 expected wins

Yes, winning the Sanderson Cup will shoot you up the rankings.

NFL equivalent: A team that really wasn't that good, but scraped its way to a title? Sounds like the New York Giants to me.

4. Matt (last year: 2nd)

  • 2022: 6-8, 1,372.70 points, 6.74 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 25-16, 4,194.92 points, 21.29 expected wins
  • All-time: 112-85, 20,298.89 points, 108.13 expected wins

Our Monster Heel can only fall so far - and he has to stay ahead of his rival in some way, right?

NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers.

3. Dave (last year: 8th)

  • 2022: 8-6, 1,552.77 points, 9.17 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 21-20, 3,945.88 points, 19.20 expected wins
  • All-time: 89-108, 19,481.63 points, 99.80 expected wins

Sure, Dave had a horrible 2020, but he followed up his championship season by finishing second in points and in third place overall.

NFL equivalent: Also the Green Bay Packers, but circa 2011.

2. Rabbit (last year: 4th)

  • 2022: 8-6, 1,426.29 points, 7.41 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 23-18, 4,201.45 points, 21.06 expected wins
  • All-time: 117-80, 20,412.87 points, 109.73 expected wins

Rabs has followed up a four-year playoff drought with a runner-up finish and another solid playoff team.

NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills.

1. Derrek (last year: 1st)

  • 2022: 8-6, 1,497.62 points, 8.62 expected wins
  • Last 3 years: 28-13, 4,423.47 points, 25.60 expected wins
  • All-time: 111-86, 19,579.95 points, 100.71 expected wins

Derrek has arguably been the class of the Blingaleague since the start of the 2018 season. He's made the playoffs six straight seasons and won eight or more games in five of those.

NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs.

Draft Lottery

The lottery won't happen for a few months, but here are the odds of getting the first overall pick:

  • Babel: 28.50%
  • Richie: 12.23%
  • Kevin: 11.85%
  • Matt: 11.77%
  • Scott: 11.37%
  • Schertz: 10.83%
  • Pulley: 7.34%
  • Ed: 6.12%

Closing Thoughts

Even before the two-week Blingabowl, this was the wildest season I think we've ever had. Thank you all for making this the best fantasy league in North America!