The Sanderson Gazette - 2023-09-13 - We're Not in Central Arkansas Anymore

Week 1 Recap

Babel def. Richie, 152.17-98.90

Maybe we all should have overdone it on Scottie Pippen's bourbon during the draft! Babel, coming off his worst season in franchise history, really nailed his draft for a week, at least. Sure, any idiot could have drafted Justin Jefferson (20.00) first overall, but Aaron Jones (27.57) and Brandon Aiyuk (29.20)? Jason Sanders (12.90) and the Jets defense (22.00)?

Meanwhile, Richie had a pretty good week himself, given how bad the rest of the league did (more on that, later). Tua Tagovailoa put up 31.80 and Austin Ekeler scored 23.97, but he was never going to keep pace with Babel.

Mike R. def. Rob, 104.20-89.76

The Blingabowl rematch ended with a somewhat similar final outcome. Amon-Ra St. Brown (15.47) started Mike's week off well, and he never really looked back. Derrick Henry (13.77) and Brian Robinson (12.83) were both solid, and Justin Herbert (21.70) won the battle of the QBs over Rob's Trevor Lawrence (19.15). The losing side also had Calvin Ridley (19.47) and Tee Higgins (zero).

Schertz def. Scott, 76.13-63.28

This was the only game that was reasonably competitive going into Monday night, where Scott needed James Cook (6.87) to outscore Tyler Bass (13.40) by a little more than six points. That didn't happen, so Schertz's team - led by the 49ers defense (15.00) - defeated Scott's team - led by the Falcons defense (14.00).

Rabbit def. Pat, 120.90-56.18

Rabs got a whopping 36.00 from the Dallas defense, 23.47 from Christian McCaffrey, and 20.60 from Tony Pollard as he wiped the floor with Pat. Mr. Gawne's only double-digit scorer was Chris Olave (14.93).

Matt def. Kevin, 114.96-60.67

Matt didn't need Tyreek Hill's 40.67 to win, but it certainly took away any drama that could have come on Monday night. Kevin wouldn't have gotten what he needed, since Aaron Rodgers wound up with an injury-caused -0.50.

Matt not only had the highest scorer of the week overall (Hill), but also the highest scoring kicker in Jake Elliott (18.70).

Pulley def. Ed, 109.49-71.69

Pulley had the high score and the high scorer in this one (Deshaun Watson, 20.70). Stefon Diggs added 19.60, while Ed's own member of the Bills' passing game, Josh Allen (8.90), was a huge disappointment. Only Bijan Robinson (15.20) really delivered for the commish.

Dave def. Derrek, 83.70-63.20

This one wasn't as bad as Schertz vs. Scott, but it was close. Despite losing by more than twenty points, Derrek had the highest scoring player (Patrick Mahomes II, 21.80) in this matchup, but also saw Deon Jackson score -0.73 and Skyy Moore score 0.40. Dave at least got 18.93 from Michael Pittman, Jr., and 13.07 from Darnell Mooney.

Standings

  1. Babel, 1-0, 152.17
  2. Rabbit, 1-0, 120.90
  3. Matt, 1-0, 114.96
  4. Pulley, 1-0, 109.49
  5. Mike R., 1-0, 104.20
  6. Dave, 1-0, 83.70
  7. Schertz, 1-0, 76.13
  8. Richie, 0-1, 98.90
  9. Rob, 0-1, 89.76
  10. Ed, 0-1, 71.69
  11. Scott, 0-1, 63.28
  12. Derrek, 0-1, 63.20
  13. Kevin, 0-1, 60.67
  14. Pat, 0-1, 56.18

Blingalytics Ratings

  1. Babel, 1094
  2. Rabbit, 958
  3. Matt, 886
  4. Pulley, 804
  5. Mike R., 708
  6. Richie, 617
  7. Rob, 464
  8. Dave, 376
  9. Schertz, 273
  10. Ed, 225
  11. Scott, 158
  12. Derrek, 157
  13. Kevin, 148
  14. Pat, 133

Babel's 1094 is the highest value ever seen here. (You might wonder how this rating, which is merely 1000 times expected winning percentage, could be over 1000. The answer is that, after calculating expected wins, we increase or decrease each team's total by the same amount so that the league's total expected wins equals the total amount of games played. So because Babel had a very good score (more on that very soon) and the league overall had very poor scores (more on that, too), he gets pushed over the practical maximum.)

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums

Babel's 152.17 is the third highest score ever in week one. (Surprisingly, it is not his highest score ever in week one.)

Slapped Heartbeat

Pat's 56.18 is the second lowest score ever in week one. (Surprisingly, it is his lowest score ever in week one.)

Weekly MVP

Tyreek Hill scored 40.67 for Matt.

Dud of the Week

Tee Higgins put up a zero (on eight targets!) for Rob.

Start of the Week

Despite being a bottom-twenty week of all-time (by average score), week one had the fourteenth highest average margin ever. Due to the lack of close games, this award will stay vacant.

Misplay of the Week

Scott had the closest loss of the week, and had five players on his bench outscore their counterparts in his lineup. He started:

  • Dak Prescott (7.75) over Jared Goff (16.05);
  • Amari Cooper (4.93) over Jakobi Meyers (22.80);
  • Drake London (zero) over Rashid Shaheed (16.97);
  • Rachaad White (5.23) over Breece Hall (15.37);
  • and James Cook (6.87) over Romeo Doubs (15.47).

I've been writing The Gazette for nearly fourteen years, and I don't recall ever seeing anything quite like that.

Blessed Cahoots

Schertz will get this for winning with just 76.13 points and playing against Scott's impossibly wrong lineup.

Week 2 Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Keep Calm & Dameon (Babel, 1-0, 1st) vs. Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 1-0, 4th)

Babel leads all-time series, 13-11.

Let's keep the spotlight on Babel a while longer, shall we? After all, he's the first week one Blangums winner coming off a last-place finish since 2009... and that guy wound up winning The Sanderson Cup!

This week, Babel's Vikings - Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson - have a tougher matchup (@PHI) on Thursday night, and Aaron Jones (@ATL) doesn't get to face the Bears. But Brandon Aiyuk (@LAR) looked to be the top target in San Francisco and could wind up carrying Mark to victory again.

On the other side, we have Pulley, who also had a nice week one following a bad 2022. His QB - Deshaun Watson (@PIT) - will also be in prime time, and his best RB - Travis Etienne, Jr. (vs. KC) - faces an opponent that couldn't stop the run last week.

Pick: Keep Calm & Dameon.

Other Blingamatches

Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 1-0, 2nd) vs. Harrison Hammers (Matt, 1-0, 3rd)

Rabbit leads all-time series, 12-7.

The only other battle of week one victors is a rematch of Blingabowls II and IV.

Rabbit's week one explosion was driven by Christian McCaffrey (@LAR), Tony Pollard (vs. NYJ), and the Dallas defense (vs. NYJ). There's no reason to believe those three won't continue to be among the best at their positions moving forward. If Geno Smith (@DET) can shake off a rough week one, Rabs could stay in the Blingabowl hunt all year long.

Matt put up his strong week one score behind Tyreek Hill (@NE). He'll need Jalen Hurts (@NE), Tyler Lockett (@DET), and Kenneth Walker III (@DET) to improve if he wants to maintain his lofty place in the standings, however. Oh, and he'll need Mark Andrews (@CIN) to actually play.

Pick: Pralines & Dick.

Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 1-0, 5th) vs. Ed Gross (Richie, 0-1, 8th)

Mike R. leads all-time series, 6-5.

Mike will be hoping for a shootout in Nashville this week, as he has Justin Herbert (@TEN), Derrick Henry (vs. LAC), and DeAndre Hopkins (vs. LAC). He also has to like what he saw out of Amon-Ra St. Brown (vs. SEA) and Brian Robinson (@DEN) in week one. His team doesn't jump off the page at you, but it looks solid enough to avoid a post-Sanderson-Cup faceplant, for sure.

"[Richie] had the highest losing score. He's so good at being Ed Gross." - Rob

Meanwhile, Richie learned the downside of his excellent troll job. Tua Tagovailoa (@NE) was the highest scoring QB in week one, and Austin Ekeler (@TEN) picked up where he left off last year. The latter could be good mitigation against a Chargers-Titans shootout that helps Mike, provided he's not too injured to play. Another big question for Richie is if Garrett Wilson (@DAL) can carry his WR corps now that Aaron Rodgers is out for the year.

Pick: Bernie's Bullies.

Double Digits (Dave, 1-0, 6th) vs. Live Commish (Ed, 0-1, 10th)

Dave leads all-time series, 11-7.

Dave has to feel fortunate. He was without Travis Kelce (@JAC) and practically without Joe Burrow (vs. BAL) and he still emerged with a week one win. A.J. Brown (vs. MIN) will start off his week, and he'll hope Michael Pittman, Jr. (@HOU) repeats his strong start to the year.

Ed's team, like Josh Allen (vs. LV), completely shat the bed in week one. Nowhere to go but up, right? Bijan Robinson (vs. GB) did look like a worthy first round pick, and George Kittle (@LAR), Christian Kirk (vs. KC), and Allen should all bounce back from rough showings.

Pick: Live Commish.

D's Nuts (Derrek, 0-1, 12th) vs. The Vistas are Back (Pat, 0-1, 14th)

Derrek leads all-time series, 10-4.

Derrek had just his third sub-65 score since the start of the 2016 season, so he, too, has nowhere to go but up. Patrick Mahomes II (@JAC) actually had an OK first week, but Dallas Goedert (vs. MIN) and Skyy Moore (@JAC) most certainly did not. It might have to be D's RBs - Josh Jacobs (@BUF) and Alexander Mattison (@PHI) - that carry him in week two.

On the flip side of that, Pat had his seventh such score in the same timeframe. It's hard to imagine Lamar Jackson (@CIN) or Ja'Marr Chase (vs. BAL) having a worse game than last week, so Pat should be able to feel good about them. Davante Adams (@BUF) also could do better.

Pick: D's Nuts.

schertzopotamus (Schertz, 1-0, 7th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 0-1, 13th)

All-time series tied, 6-6.

We knew heading into the season that Schertz would live and die with the Bears, and, well, the Bears died in week one. Justin Fields, D.J. Moore, and Khalil Herbert should hopefully bounce back against @TAM, who allowed the Vikings skill players to put up some nice scores last week.

Kevin had a bad week, regardless, but losing Aaron Rodgers immediately certainly didn't help. Like the Packers, he's picked up Jordan Love (@ATL) to replace the Hall of Famer. Without Cooper Kupp (IR), he'll definitely need Miles Sanders (vs. NO), Jahmy Gibbs (vs. SEA), and DeVonta Smith (vs. MIN) to rise to the occasion, or else he'll be an also-ran all year long.

Pick: schertzopotamus.

Rob for Today (Rob, 0-1, 9th) vs. Cöstner's Crew (Scott, 0-1, 11th)

Rob leads all-time series, 5-1.

Rob was one of the better losers in week one, as his Trevor Lawrence / Calvin Ridley (vs. KC) performed well. We also know Tee Higgins (vs. BAL) and CeeDee Lamb (vs. NYJ) are better than they showed in week one. There's no reason for Rob to panic at this point.

Scott is pretty much in the same boat, as we know his team has guys who can put up double digit scores. If he can get those guys into his lineup around Nick Chubb (@PIT), he could even go on a winning streak!

Pick: Rob for Today.

Closing Thoughts

Thanks again to everyone who paid league dues. If you haven't yet, please get them to me as soon as you can. (Remember, you might owe less than $50 if you won any Team Blangums awards last year, so do check the Yahoo League Dues page before you send over the money.)