The Sanderson Gazette - 2023-10-11 - Five Hundred

Week 5 Recap

Derrek def. Richie, 113.48-102.03

The Game of the Blingaweek stayed close, so might as well lead with it. Richie needed a monster game from Christian Watson (11.63) on Monday night, but when Jordan Love's last deep pass to Watson was intercepted, Derrek's first victory was locked up.

D got a big game from Dallas Goedert (21.60) and the Bengals defense (18.00), while Marquise Brown (14.13) continued to have a solid season. Richie got 19.57 from David Montgomery and 19.33 from Gabe Davis, but also suffered through -1.00 from Chad Ryland. (That's the Patriots kicker, for when we all inevitably read this and ask, "Who?")

Scott def. Pat, 118.00-107.37

Look who else got their first win! Scott exploded behind Jared Goff (28.80), Breece Hall (25.97), and the Steelers defense (22.00). The latter's performance hurt Pat, who got only 10.30 from Lamar Jackson and wasted an enormous game from Ja'Marr Chase (43.60).

Matt def. Ed, 131.31-120.55

Our overall highest scoring game of the week saw Matt emerge victorious. Tyreek Hill (30.13) and the Saints defense (23.00) were the main reasons for that. Ed got 31.35 from Josh Allen and 24.93 from George Pickens in the loss.

Pulley def. Kevin, 165.99-57.20

Travis Etienne, Jr. (34.00), George Kittle (26.93), and Sam Howell (26.80) all blew up for the Pullman this week. He didn't need it, though, as Kevin's team barely showed up; only Cooper Kupp (15.73) and Dalton Schultz (14.67) hit double figures for our last place squad.

Schertz def. Rob, 131.30-100.59

This was one of the more dramatic 30-point wins I can remember. Schertz had an absolutely huge Thursday night, getting nearly 100 points from D.J. Moore (48.67), Justin Fields (34.30), Khalil Herbert (7.60), and Jahan Dotson (4.00). But Tyler Bass (2.00) and Najee Harris (4.10) stumbled in the early slate of Sunday games, leaving the door open for Rob.

"Am I about to do something crazy and play Zach Wilson? Yes, yes I am." - Rob

Rob had a good enough Thursday from Cole Kmet (11.60) to hold onto some hope, and the early Sunday games added more fuel to that. De'Von Achane (20.97), Calvin Ridley (17.67), and Jaylen Waddle (10.67) were all good, but by the time Zach Wilson finished putting up just 8.55, Rob's chances were toast. It then didn't help that Schertz had the 49ers defense (18.00) outscore CeeDee Lamb (6.53) on Sunday night.

(Note: Although the above quote is funny, even if Rob had picked up Sam Howell over Zach Wilson, he still would have lost.)

Mike R. def. Rabbit, 102.13-67.87

Old-timers Adam Thielen (20.27) and DeAndre Hopkins (18.67), alongside injury fill-in Josh Reynolds (16.13), pushed Mike into triple figures. But the bigger story here is Rabbit's dud after his red hot start. Christian McCaffrey (12.70), Tony Pollard (5.57), and the Cowboys defense (-3.00) all put up their lowest totals of the season, which meant Rabs did the same.

Babel def. Dave, 101.66-87.27

Babel also put up his low score for the year, but still won. The Jets defense (20.00) and Puka Nacua (15.47) had big games for him, offsetting Justin Jefferson's (3.73) bad one. And while A.J. Brown (16.93) had a good game for Dave, too few of his other players did, so he fell to 2-3 on the year.

Trades

Trade between Derrek and Ed

Derrek received:

  • Isiah Pacheco - from Ed - keeper cost: 7th

Ed received:

  • Josh Jacobs - from Derrek - keeper cost: 2nd

This was a simple trade between a 3-1 team and an 0-4 one. Derrek took on the lesser player for more keeper value.

Jacobs (15.07) outplayed Pacheco (12.70) this week, but Ed took a loss while Derrek nabbed a win.

Standings

"If Rabs loses, Pulley will leapfrog him into 2nd. When he leaps over him he'll probably toot on Rabs. Or make some really lazy joke, like 'I thought you were the Rabbit!'" - Mike R.

  1. Babel, 5-0, 626.57
  2. Pulley, 4-1, 613.03
  3. Rabbit, 4-1, 557.10
  4. Mike R., 4-1, 547.66
  5. Schertz, 4-1, 516.76
  6. Rob, 3-2, 517.59
  7. Ed, 3-2, 485.63
  8. Matt, 2-3, 596.90
  9. Pat, 2-3, 490.21
  10. Dave, 2-3, 448.41
  11. Derrek, 1-4, 444.87
  12. Scott, 1-4, 422.26
  13. Richie, 0-5, 492.24
  14. Kevin, 0-5, 352.17

Blingalytics Ratings

  1. Babel, 777
  2. Matt, 772
  3. Pulley, 720
  4. Rabbit, 648
  5. Mike R., 632
  6. Rob, 550
  7. Schertz, 486
  8. Pat, 472
  9. Richie, 463
  10. Ed, 445
  11. Derrek, 334
  12. Dave, 327
  13. Scott, 285
  14. Kevin, 87

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums

Pulley's 165.99 is the highest score of the season so far, the highest in franchise history, and the 15th highest ever.

Slapped Heartbeat

Kevin's 57.20 was our low of the week. His loss to Pulley is just the 20th "Gumslapper" of all time.

Weekly MVP

If D.J. Moore had put up a respectable 18 points, Schertz would have lost; instead, he scored 48.67 and earned our Weekly MVP award.

Dud of the Week

Kevin needed just 16.48 from Jordan Love to avoid getting his heartbeat slapped. The Packers QB put up just 5.80.

Start of the Week

Scott went with Jakobi Meyers (16.00) over Rashid Shaheed (3.73) and won by less than 11 points.

Misplay of the Week

None of our losers made a decision that cost them their game.

Pickup of the Week

Some really good moves happened this week. Pulley chose Sam Howell (26.80) as a bye week fill-in and Nick Folk (12.40) as a streaming kicker. Babel picked up the Jets defense (20.00). And Matt used a waiver claim on Jaleel McLaughlin (15.40).

McLaughlin looks to have the most value moving forward, so he'll take this award by a very small margin.

Pryor Play of the Week

Here's another award with several options. Dallas Goedert (21.60) more than doubled his full-season output for Derrek. George Kittle (26.93) did the same for Pulley. DeAndre Hopkins (18.67) finally broke the ten-point barrier for Mike. And Ja'Marr Chase (43.60) surpassed his previous high score by nearly 25 points for Pat.

This award will go to Goedert, who was clutch in helping Derrek secure his first win of the year.

Week 6 Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 4-1, 2nd) vs. Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 4-1, 4th)

All-time series tied, 8-8.

Pulley is no stranger to strong starts, but this season is among his best. While he's been .500 or better after five games eleven times, his 3.60 expected wins and .732 all-play win percentage are both his third highest ever. First round pick Stefon Diggs (vs. NYG) has been the steadiest part of Pulley's early success, while Travis Etienne, Jr. (vs. IND) and Raheem Mostert (vs. CAR) have both added big weeks a few times. If either Sam Howell (@ATL) or Deshaun Watson (vs. SF) shows they can consistently be a top ten QB, Pulley could be putting his name on the Sanderson Cup in a few months.

Without much fanfare, Mike has followed up his surprise championship team with a much better one. He's over .500 at this point in the season for the first time since 2018, and just the sixth time ever. Justin Herbert (vs. DAL) has been an excellent QB, and Adam Thielen (@MIA) and Brian Robinson (@ATL) have been fantastic for their draft cost. That's led to a 4-1 record despite some disappointing games from Derrick Henry (vs. BAL) and a missed game from Amon-Ra St. Brown (@TAM).

Pick: Bernie's Bullies.

Other Blingamatches

Keep Calm & Dameon (Babel, 5-0, 1st) vs. The Vistas are Back (Pat, 2-3, 9th)

All-time series tied, 7-7.

Babel, like Mike, is over .500 for just the sixth time. But unlike anyone else, he's 5-0 for the second time ever. The Kirk-Cousins-(@CHI)-to-Justin-Jefferson-(IR) stack has been a big part of his success, but the better half of that duo is now out for a while. Babel will need Keenan Allen (vs. DAL) and Puka Nacua (vs. ARI) to continue outplaying their expectations if he wants to stay undefeated.

Pat's no stranger to a sub-.500 record after five games. Last year, he rallied from 1-4 to fulfill his #playoffpat destiny, and this year, there are some signs he could do it again. This is his second-best start ever by expected wins, and Ja'Marr Chase (vs. SEA), Davante Adams (vs. NE), and Lamar Jackson (@TEN) are all capable of carrying fantasy teams individually at their best.

Pick: The Vistas are Back.

Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 4-1, 3rd) vs. Double Digits (Dave, 2-3, 10th)

Rabbit leads all-time series, 13-5.

Despite his awful week five, Rabbit is 3-2 or better for the third straight year. Geno Smith (@CIN) and DK Metcalf (@CIN) are back, albeit with a tough matchup. Christian McCaffrey (@CLE) also faces a strong defense, but does it really matter? It also looks like Tony Pollard (@LAC) should right the ship Monday night, too. And, historically, this is not a good time to face Rabs: he's scored less than 70 points eleven times, and his median score the next week is 111.69!

That doesn't bode well for Dave, who's below .500 for second straight year. He did finish in third place after a similar start last year, though, so all hope isn't lost. A.J. Brown (@NYJ) and Travis Kelce (vs. DEN) are still among the best at their positions, and Joe Burrow (vs. SEA) just had a big bounce-back week. But D'Onta Foreman (vs. MIN) isn't the ideal RB you want to be starting with your season on the line.

Pick: Pralines & Dick.

schertzopotamus (Schertz, 4-1, 5th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 1-4, 11th)

Derrek leads all-time series, 7-5.

The good news for Schertz? He's above .500 for the third straight season, Justin Fields (vs. MIN) and D.J. Moore (vs. MIN) have both been great lately, and Saquon Barkley (@BUF) looks like he'll be back this week. The bad news? He didn't make the playoffs despite his good starts the past two seasons, Khalil Herbert (vs. MIN) and Najee Harris (bye) are both unavailable, and Barkley has a tough matchup (to say nothing of his own team's quality).

Derrek's below .500 for just the fifth time ever, though there are some reasons to think he could actually go on a winning streak. Patrick Mahomes II (vs. DEN) and Isiah Pacheco (vs. DEN) face the league's worst defense. Alexander Mattison (@CHI) goes up against one that's only a little bit better. The Eagles look like they've figured out how to work Dallas Goedert (@NYJ) into their offense again. Oh, and Jonathan Taylor (@JAC) is back; maybe they were just working him back into game shape last week?

Pick: D's Nuts.

Live Commish (Ed, 3-2, 7th) vs. Ed Gross (Richie, 0-5, 13th)

Richie leads all-time series, 6-5.

Ed's 3-2 or better for the second straight year, but the last time he was before that was in 2015! He's made some big trades recently - what else is new? - to replace Isiah Pacheco and George Pickens with Austin Ekeler (vs. DAL). Josh Allen (vs. NYG) has been everything Ed hoped for from week two on, though Bijan Robinson (vs. WAS) has yet to really deliver on his first round potential.

Richie is below .500 and ties Kevin for the dubious distinction of being the first franchises to own multiple 0-5 starts. He actually has more points and expected wins than his week six opponent / namesake; if he hadn't faced the hardest schedule ever, he'd probably have two or even three wins right now. David Montgomery (@TAM) has been excellent, especially compared to his draft cost, and Gabe Davis (vs. NYG) has been surprisingly consistent. So while he's already looking toward next season by trading Ekeler to Ed for Pickens (bye) and Josh Jacobs (vs. NE), he has a team that no one really wants to face. (He also has a team whose name is causing a delightful amount of confusion - including from yours truly - this year.)

Pick: Live Commish.

Harrison Hammers (Matt, 2-3, 8th) vs. Slap it Again! (Scott, 1-4, 12th)

Scott leads all-time series, 3-2.

Matt hasn't been 2-3 or worse in six years. That's probably because he doesn't deserve to be below .500! He has the most points and expected wins for a team with a losing record through five weeks. He also has the highest all-play record in the league this season - which is the fourth highest ever at this point in the season! Tyreek Hill (vs. CAR) has been Matt's MVP, Jalen Hurts (@NYJ) has been rock solid, and Kenneth Walker III (@CIN) has been better than expected. Matt's luck has already started to even out, and we should all be scared.

Scott finds himself in a familiar position. Losing Nick Chubb (IR) early in the year has left him without much star power outside of Breece Hall (vs. PHI), who's had three single digit weeks himself. James Cook (vs. NYG) has been better, though he's coming off a dud. Jared Goff (@TAM) provides a solid level of competence at QB, at least.

Pick: Harrison Hammers.

Rob for Today (Rob, 3-2, 6th) vs. The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 0-5, 14th)

Rob leads all-time series, 10-7.

Rob's over .500, as he usually is at this time of year, but his team doesn't look as good as it did just a week ago. That's because electric rookie De'Von Achane (vs. CAR) looks like he'll miss at least a few weeks. It's also because CeeDee Lamb (@LAC) doesn't look as likely to deliver first round production any more. On the bright side, Jonathan Taylor's return somehow resulted in Zack Moss's (@JAC) best game of the year, Trevor Lawrence (vs. IND) and Calvin Ridley (vs. IND) play the weak Colts defense, and the Bills defense (vs. NYG) has a chance at double digit sacks this week. Oh, and he plays...

Kevin, who is easily the worst team so far this year. Not only does he have a losing record for the first time since 2018, he's 0-5 and shows up on quite a few of the bad lists on the Top Seasons page (CTRL+F for "2023 Kevin"). Sure, Cooper Kupp (vs. ARI) is back, but DeVonta Smith (@NYJ), Miles Sanders (@MIA), and Rhamondre Steveson (@LV) have all been huge disappointments. And Jordan Love's bye means Kev needs to go and find a QB to play this week.

Pick: Rob for Today.

Closing Thoughts

Week 5 just barely missed being one of the twenty highest-scoring weeks of all time, coming in at 21st.