The Sanderson Gazette - 2026-10-14 - A Tremendous Machine

"Dang. One yard away in OT there. Feels like when Calvy J was inches away from the perfect season years ago." - Pulley

Week 5 Recap

Pulley def. Richie, 182.80-113.47

Let's start with the game that inspired the quote leading this week's issue. Derrick Henry (20.60) got tackled at the one yard line in overtime; had he not, Pulley would have broken the single-game scoring record! He surpassed 180 points with about as well-balanced a team as you can picture, with every one of his players ranging from 14.00 (Denver defense) to 31.07 (Christian Watson).

Richie took a really tough loss, putting up his highest total of the season by more than 25 points... and losing by nearly 70! Joe Burrow (26.50) and Justin Jefferson (15.43) provided some reasons for optimism moving forward, but that won't take the sting out of this one.

Kevin def. Scott, 104.97-102.84

"Losing the close ones, this feels more normal." - Scott

Speaking of stinging, Scott lost when James Cook III (22.03) fumbled - for the second time - in overtime on Monday night. And that was after new RB (see below) Bucky Irving put up 29.83... and new QB (see below) Bo Nix stumbled to 8.65.

Kevin got 24.93 from Jacoby Brissett and 18.27 from Jameson Williams and should feel lucky he still won despite not noticing that Jordan Addison (zero) was inactive for the week.

Pat def. Rabbit, 123.68-115.41

Rabbit nearly staged an epic come-from-behind victory thanks to Matthew Stafford's 30.65 on Monday night, but ultimately fell short. Kenyon Sadiq's -1.60 can shoulder a good bit of blame for that.

Pat once again got huge games from Jahmyr Gibbs (34.57) and Jared Goff (30.15) as he moved to 5-0 on the year.

Ed def. Matt, 108.61-98.04

Ed earned his first victory of the season, with Jordan Love (27.95), Matthew Golden (18.40), and Ka'imi Fairbairn (17.90) providing the most firepower. Matt, like Rabbit, attempted a frantic Monday night comeback, but Josh Allen (32.10), Tyler Bass (12.70), and Khalil Shakir (10.67) couldn't score quite enough.

Mike R. def. Derrek, 143.08-82.46

Mike cruised to 5-0 behind Jaylen Warren's (33.70) huge day. Derrek's kicker and defense worked against each other, as the Patriots (8.00) held Daniel Carlson to zero points.

Babel def. Rob, 138.67-86.09

Babel put up 130 points for the second straight week, the first time he's done that since the quarterfinals and semifinals back in 2017! Drake Maye (42.70) led the way for Mark, who didn't need that much after Rob's Sunday afternoon quartet of Jeremiyah Love (2.20), Michael Wilson (4.35), Jaylen Waddle (3.43), and Isaac TeSlaa (zero) were putrid.

Schertz def. Dave, 90.94-55.76

Schertz moved to 4-1 on the year despite bad games from CeeDee Lamb (1.20), Omarion Hampton (4.10), and TreVeyon Henderson (4.33). That's because Dave was far worse, with Tyson Bagent (1.05), David Montgomery (1.10), and T.J. Hockenson (0.93) all failing to play complete games.

Trades

Trade between Matt and Scott

Matt received:

  • Josh Allen - from Scott - keeper cost: 2nd
  • J.K. Dobbins - from Scott - keeper cost: 6th
  • Juwan Johnson - from Scott - keeper cost: 9th

Scott received:

  • Bucky Irving - from Matt - ineligible to be kept
  • DeVonta Smith - from Matt - keeper cost: 2nd
  • Bo Nix - from Matt - keeper cost: 6th

Matt and Scott pulled off a blockbuster, with the top QB in the league heading to the former and two top-20(ish) players at their positions joining the latter.

For Matt, this trade was beneficial, as Allen (32.95) and Khalil Shakir (10.67), whom he played instead of Irving, netted him just over three points (even though he lost his matchup). For Scott, who lost a close game, it surprisingly didn't make a difference this week; Irving (29.83) and Nix (8.65) scored barely more points than Allen and Johnson (2.13), whom he said would have played had he not made the deal.

Standings

  1. Mike R., 5-0, 609.47
  2. Pat, 5-0, 592.02
  3. Pulley, 4-1, 669.21
  4. Schertz, 4-1, 472.25
  5. Babel, 3-2, 561.46
  6. Scott, 3-2, 519.66
  7. Rabbit, 2-3, 533.63
  8. Matt, 2-3, 521.02
  9. Kevin, 2-3, 462.07
  10. Dave, 2-3, 456.42
  11. Ed, 1-4, 528.03
  12. Derrek, 1-4, 498.22
  13. Richie, 1-4, 414.16
  14. Rob, 0-5, 414.52

Blingalytics Ratings

  1. Pulley, 798 (4-1)
  2. Mike R., 747 (5-0)
  3. Pat, 718 (5-0)
  4. Babel, 583 (3-2)
  5. Rabbit, 573 (2-3)
  6. Ed, 556 (1-4)
  7. Matt, 533 (2-3)
  8. Scott, 528 (3-2)
  9. Derrek, 440 (1-4)
  10. Schertz, 382 (4-1)
  11. Kevin, 357 (2-3)
  12. Dave, 356 (2-3)
  13. Richie, 228 (1-4)
  14. Rob, 201 (0-5)

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums

Pulley's 182.80, as noted above, is the second highest score of all time.

Slapped Heartbeat

Dave takes home this award for the third time in five weeks with 55.76, which is now the lowest score of the season.

Weekly MVP

Drake Maye put up 42.70 for Babel.

Dud of the Week

The Raiders defense (-3.00) - for the second straight week - scored less than zero in a winnable game for Matt.

Start of the Week

Pat threw Kyle Pitts, Sr. into his flex spot and got 11.60; any other flex-eligible player on his roster would have scored far less and kept him from reaching 5-0.

Misplay of the Week

Scott could have played Wan'Dale Robinson (7.07) over Alvin Kamara (0.40) and gotten a win out of it.

Pickup of the Week

Mike R. picked up Aaron Rodgers to fill in for the injured Lamar Jackson and got 23.85 points out of the deal.

Blessed Cahoots

Kevin failed to notice Jordan Addison was out this week and left him in his lineup. Still holding on for a win despite that is what this award was created for.

Pryor Play of the Week

Jason Myers had been fairly disappointing this year, failing to hit double digits in any of his first four games. But then in week five, he put up 25.00 for Pulley, nearly doubling his total for the season.

Week 6 Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 4-1, 3rd) vs. Let him Cook! (Scott, 3-2, 6th)

Scott leads all-time series, 5-3.

Based on his name, you might think Pulley is a simple machine, but he's much more like a steamroller this year. Through five weeks, he has the most points, second highest expected winning percentage, and second highest all-play record ever. The only reason he's not in first place ahead of the two 5-0 teams is that he had the misfortune to face Dave back in week one.

A win this week would give him his best start to the season since 2020. With Jaxon Smith-Njigba (@DEN), Derrick Henry (@CLE), and Christian Watson (vs. DAL) leading the way, do we doubt he'll do it?

Meanwhile, Scott's best mechanical metaphor is that game at carnivals where you swing the hammer down and try to ring the bell - he has a history of barely failing to pull out tough victories. Bryce Young (@PHI) is back from his bye, which should fix his QB problem from week five, but James Cook III (@LV) might be in the doghouse after fumbling twice in his last game.

Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.

Other Blingamatches

Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 5-0, 1st) vs. Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 2-3, 7th)

Rabbit leads all-time series, 11-8.

Mike is in first place at this point in the season for the first time since our 2012 expansion season. It's been well-deserved, as his all-play record is tied for 9th best ever through five weeks. So if Pulley's a steamroller, Mike's more of a locomotive, in that he's stayed on track and won every game. That's in large part because Christian McCaffrey (vs. WAS) has been a metronomic force, and because Jaylen Warren (@TAM) has emerged as a top RB.

Rabbit is below .500 at this point in the season for the first time since 2020. Given his recent success, he's kind of like a B-52; while he's no longer the state-of-the-art item he was, he's still going strong and a force to be reckoned with. So if Saquon Barkley (vs. CAR) can join Mike Evans (vs. WAS) in finding a fountain of youth, Rabs could very easily move to the top of the league once again.

Pick: Bernie's Bullies.

The Vistas are Back (Pat, 5-0, 2nd) vs. Harrison Hammers (Matt, 2-3, 8th)

Matt leads all-time series, 11-7.

Pat's been above .500 after five weeks for the past three seasons, but this year's model is at a new level. So let's return to the simple machines for this one: Pat's an inclined plane! With Jahmyr Gibbs, Jared Goff, and Tee Higgins on bye, Pat might need some innovation to stay undefeated, though; starting Trey McBride (@LAR) and Kyle Pitts, Sr. (vs. CHI) is the kind of risk that could pay off in the right circumstances.

Matt has fallen to 2-3 after winning his first two games, and that includes one week with Josh Allen (@LV). I'd hate to be an intern at Hammers, Inc. right now, as they're about to find out Matt's true form: an iron maiden.

Pick: Harrison Hammers.

Keep Calm & Dameon (Babel, 3-2, 5th) vs. Double Digits (Dave, 2-3, 10th)

Babel leads all-time series, 14-6.

Babel picked up Dameon Pierce (vs. CAR) off waivers and he's playing the hits with his team name just like a phonograph! He's finished first and third in points the past two weeks and actually has a tough choice at QB between Brock Purdy (vs. WAS) and Drake Maye (vs. NYJ). But if Puka Nacua (vs. ARI) gets as many targets every week as he got in week five (24!), maybe that choice won't matter.

Dave's week one, which earned him Team Blangums, made him feel super cool. But then he became mostly useless, outside of niche use cases (playing against Ed, being a doctor), like a pager. Maybe Caleb Williams (@ATL) will return and give him hope this week? Tetairoa McMillan (@PHI) definitely will (from his bye), which at least helps a little.

Pick: Keep Calm & Dameon.

schertzopotamus (Schertz, 4-1, 4th) vs. Live Commish (Ed, 1-4, 11th)

Schertz leads all-time series, 9-6.

Schertz is the first team ever to start 4-1 with less than 2.0 expected wins. (If you broaden that criteria to all 4-1 teams that have a sub-.500 expected winning percentage, the list expands to five teams, all of whom are Schertz or Richie.) Anyways, Schertz is a pair of wired headphones - working fine, but not ideal.

By the time you read this, there will have been 346 Sanderson Gazettes published, so it's obvious that Ed is a printing press. He finally got his first win of the year in week five, and in terms of Yahoo projections, Kenneth Walker III (vs. LAC) and Matthew Golden (vs. DAL) are expected to lead him to his second this week.

Pick: Live Commish.

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 2-3, 9th) vs. Rob for Today (Rob, 0-5, 14th)

All-time series tied, 10-10.

Kevin built his own house. Kevin frequently leaves injured players in his lineup. Kevin has no need for your fancy technology. Kevin is Kevin.

Rob used to be a premiere franchise. Rob's team is kind of pointless in 2026. Rob is an iPod.

Pick: Rob for Today.

D's Nuts (Derrek, 1-4, 12th) vs. Barftastic (Richie, 1-4, 13th)

Derrek leads all-time series, 9-5.

Derrek joins Ed among the sixteen teams to be 1-4 or worse with 2.0 or more expected wins. That is to say, D's better than his record. His roster reveals a few, shall we say, luxury items like Bijan Robinson (vs. CHI) and Davante Adams (vs. ARI). Also, he's spent considerable time in Italy - so he's an espresso machine.

Every promising player that Richie acquires gets hurt. I'm not implying he's an albino, but I do think his team is - and this is my favorite one - The Machine in the Pit of Despair in The Princess Bride.

Pick: D's Nuts.

Closing Thoughts

Week five had an average score of 110.49, making it #12 all-time in that category.

Additionally, Mike R. and Pat are just the eighth and ninth 5-0 teams ever, and this is the first year we have two such teams since 2012!