The Sanderson Gazette - 2025-10-29 - Monster, Heel

Week 8 Recap

Ed def. Mike R., 131.12-130.90

This matchup came down to the final minutes of Monday night, with Rashee Rice (19.60) needing just five more receiving yards for Mike to complete a dramatic comeback. He even caught a pass on the Chiefs' final (real) play of the game, but for only three yards.

Ed was up thanks to Tucker Kraft (31.07), whose monstrous Sunday night brought the commish back from a likely loss.

And Mike was up, initially, thanks to a whopping 33.60 from James Cook on Sunday afternoon!

Also participating: Derrick Henry (19.10) and Javonte Williams (17.17) for Ed, and Daniel Jones (24.40) and Ka'imi Fairbairn (15.40) for Mike.

This game was just the third ever in which both teams scored 130 or more to be decided by less than a point. It was also the fourth time that Ed and Mike have had a game decided by less than one - no other pairing of teams even has three such games - and, remarkably, the loser in all four has scored at least 112 every time.

Rabbit def. Schertz, 156.52-115.00

The Rabbit machine kept on rolling behind - you guessed it - Jonathan Taylor (36.10) and Jalen Hurts (25.15). After that, it was three players who haven't been among his best to this point: Chase Brown (23.57), Jaylen Waddle (19.20), and Kimani Vidal (19.03).

Schertz got great weeks from C.J. Stroud (24.90) and Kayshon Boutte (16.00), but took a tough loss.

This is just the sixth week ever in which two games contained the top four scorers, and the first since week 2, 2023.

Dave def. Pat, 86.67-84.15

If the previous two notable games weren't enough, we also had another one in which one team strategically didn't play their quarterback! Dave, up by less than three points heading into Monday night, determined that the guaranteed win was worth more than adding points to a potential future tiebreaker and sat Marcus Mariota (12.45). Good games from Michael Pittman, Jr. (18.67) and Cameron Dicker (15.20) put him in that position.

Pat got 23.85 from Josh Allen, but just 3.07 from Dalton Kincaid and 3.73 from Calvin Austin III.

Richie def. Derrek, 92.82-81.84

Breece Hall's 31.37 earned Richie his fourth win of the year despite a zero from Quentin Johnston and 2.40 from Kyle Monangai. It helped that Derrek got his own zero from Jerry Jeudy and -6.00 from the Bengals defense.

Pulley def. Babel, 112.15-80.38

Speaking of zeroes, Babel got one from the previously reliable Jake Ferguson, and his kicker advantage (Chris Boswell's 22.00 vs. Blake Grupe's 4.80) didn't make up for it. Pulley pulled ahead on Monday night behind Patrick Mahomes II (24.45), Terry McLaurin (13.20), and Isiah Pacheco (5.80).

Rob def. Scott, 95.74-72.54

The Game of the Blingaweek was a big dud, with Scott barely avoiding getting his heartbeat slapped and Rob failing to crack triple digits. Saquon Barkley (30.20) did finally go off for Rob, though Baker Mayfield (4.10) had a big dud. However, no one was duddier (spoiler alert!) than Bijan Robinson, who scored just 3.57 for Scott (who also got less than a point from Jordan Mason (0.70) and the injured Drake London (zero) combined).

Kevin def. Matt, 92.65-71.92

Kevin had a down week, which was OK, because Matt's team is reeling. While Joe Flacco (26.05) filled in nicely at QB for our monster heel, Matthew Golden (0.53), Jacory Croskey-Merritt (2.50), and Darius Slayton (3.47) were all big disappointments. Kevin was led by the Tampa Bay defense (28.00) and Jaxon Dart (18.85).

Standings

Rabbit's point total is the third highest ever through eight weeks.

  1. Rabbit, 7-1, 993.94
  2. Kevin, 6-2, 891.43
  3. Pulley, 5-3, 841.65
  4. Dave, 5-3, 798.28
  5. Rob, 5-3, 781.25
  6. Scott, 4-4, 910.69
  7. Schertz, 4-4, 813.04
  8. Richie, 4-4, 626.96
  9. Mike R., 3-5, 899.11
  10. Ed, 3-5, 779.61
  11. Babel, 3-5, 726.70
  12. Pat, 3-5, 723.15
  13. Derrek, 2-6, 746.96
  14. Matt, 2-6, 696.59

Blingalytics Ratings

Rabbit's 0.789 expected winning percentage is the second highest ever through eight weeks.

  1. Rabbit, 789
  2. Scott, 665
  3. Mike R., 629
  4. Kevin, 599
  5. Pulley, 586
  6. Schertz, 522
  7. Dave, 503
  8. Rob, 485
  9. Ed, 462
  10. Derrek, 418
  11. Pat, 386
  12. Babel, 350
  13. Matt, 337
  14. Richie, 270

Weekly Awards

Team Blangums

Rabbit's 156.52 earned him his second Team Blangums of the year.

Slapped Heartbeat

Matt's 71.92 was actually better than his previous two weeks, but still was bad enough to get his heartbeat slapped.

Weekly MVP

Jonathan Taylor had 36.10 for Rabbit.

Dud of the Week

While there were a few defenses with negative points and some other zero-point players, Bijan Robinson scoring just 3.57 for Scott is the most notable dud this week.

Start of the Week

Ed left points on his bench, Dave chose to leave points on his bench, and Richie didn't have any decision swing his game. Those were the only three close ones this week, so this award will stay vacant.

Misplay of the Week

Mike R. picked up the Atlanta defense, who scored -2.00. He could have kept the Buffalo defense, who scored 19.00, or even just played the Jacksonville defense (bye), whom he dropped the Bills for. Either would have won him his game.

Pickup of the Week

Ed picked up the Chargers defense and got a crucial 13.00 points out of it, but this will go to Kevin, who picked up the Buccaneers defense and got 28.00!

Honorable mention to Schertz and Matt, who picked up QBs C.J. Stroud (24.90) and Joe Flacco (26.05), respectively.

Pryor Play of the Week

Chase Brown (23.57) scored in double figures for the first time since week one for Rabbit.

Week 9 Preview

Game of the Blingaweek

Pralines & Dick (Rabbit, 7-1, 1st) vs. Let him Lay them Bricks! (Scott, 4-4, 6th)

Rabbit leads all-time series, 4-3.

One of these two teams have been featured in the Game of the Blingaweek in each of the past five issues of The Sanderson Gazette, so this is the obvious matchup to lead with for week nine.

Rabbit has been destroying everyone and everything in his path like he's Godzilla. Jonathan Taylor (@PIT) and George Pickens (vs. ARI) have been awesome, and Tyler Warren (@PIT) has given him a TE he doesn't ever have to worry about. And even with Jalen Hurts on bye this week, he has Matthew Stafford (@NO) ready to fill in.

His opponent, Scott, is the only other team that has been in the conversation for strongest contender this year. Bijan Robinson (@NE) is the only RB who could be on Taylor's level, and the Dak Prescott / CeeDee Lamb (both vs. ARI) can score as many points as anyone. But also, we've been here before, and each time Scott has turned into Supreme Leader Snoke in the 7th-9th Star Wars films: set up to be the big bad, but eliminated from the battlefield relatively early.

Pick: Pralines & Dick.

Other Blingamatches

The Chocolate Donuts (Kevin, 6-2, 2nd) vs. schertzopotamus (Schertz, 4-4, 7th)

Schertz leads all-time series, 8-6.

Thanks to keepers Jahmyr Gibbs (vs. MIN) and Ja'Marr Chase (vs. CHI) - and just overall solid drafting that netted him guys like Jordan Addison (@DET) and Rico Dowdle (@GB) - Kevin sits all alone in second place. But K-Pat is no monster, or at least, not one that anyone is afraid of; no, he's more like James P. Sullivan from Monsters, Inc.. He's even broken our own "scare record" (single game points) more than once!

Schertz is more like a Xenomorph from the Alien franchise: you can lose track of him, but then he's right there, ready to strike. This year, he's armed with players like De'Von Achane (vs. BAL) and Kyren Williams (vs. NO), who we often overlook because they've just always been on his team. Right now, though, he's on a two-game skid - and being without Dallas Goedert (bye), who's been surprisingly explosive, could wind up hurting.

Pick: The Chocolate Donuts.

Pullman's MondoSquad (Pulley, 5-3, 3rd) vs. A...Strange...season (Richie, 4-4, 8th)

Pulley leads all-time series, 10-4.

We thought we had Pulley buried, but then like Imhotep (from the 1999 cinematic masterpiece, The Mummy, starring Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz), he rose with a vengeance and won five in a row. Patrick Mahomes II (@BUF) returning to his 2018-2022 statistical form has been huge for Pulley, to say nothing of Jaxon Smith-Njigba (@WAS) and Amon-Ra St. Brown (vs. MIN), both of whom are currently top four WRs in terms of points per game.

Richie is limited in how dangerous he can be. In that way, he's like Freddy Krueger, who can only kill you while you're sleeping. Richie is 4-4 despite being last in points because, frequently, his opponents have apparently slept through their matches vs. him. Brock Bowers (vs. JAC) coming back could increase Richie's competitiveness, so being 4-4 already means he actually could have some playoff hopes.

Pick: Pullman's MondoSquad.

Double Digits (Dave, 5-3, 4th) vs. Bernie's Bullies (Mike R., 3-5, 9th)

Dave leads all-time series, 13-6.

Dave, as everyone certainly is aware, is constantly reshaping his roster via trades. Already this year, he's added Ashton Jeanty (vs. JAC), Josh Jacobs (vs. CAR), D.J. Moore (@CIN), and even the Denver defense (@HOU). You could say he shapeshifts like John Carpenter's The Thing; and given he's won two of the past four Blingabowls, he might be just as scary.

Mike just lost a game in which he scored 130 points, so you could say he's cursed. He's also closely associated with a certain Oscar-winning western. That's right, he's our (Dances With) Wolfman, folks! As for his fantasy team, Rashee Rice (@BUF) has been amazing since coming back from suspension, and Puka Nacua (vs. NO) might also return this week.

Pick: Bernie's Bullies.

Rob for Today (Rob, 5-3, 5th) vs. Keep Calm & Stefon (Babel, 3-5, 11th)

Rob leads all-time series, 11-10.

Rob will be without his Buccaneer stack (Baker Mayfield and Emeka Egbuka) and Saquon Barkley due to byes, and Cam Skattebo due to a horrific injury, this week, so he probably isn't expecting an awesome performance. But much like Hannibal Lecter, while you can keep him subdued for a bit, he historically will get the best of you more often than not.

Babel's team is a walking husk of what it once was, with random parts like Josh Downs (@PIT), Malik Washington (vs. BAL), and Kenneth Gainwell (vs. IND) attached on haphazardly. Also, Babel is tall. That makes him Frankenstein's monster in our motley crew of movie villains.

Pick: Rob for Today.

Live Commish (Ed, 3-5, 10th) vs. Harrison Hammers (Matt, 2-6, 14th)

All-time series tied, 10-10.

Ed created this league and is constantly tinkering with his roster and the website, just like Dr. Frankenstein did with his monster. (Editor's note: The Blingaleague Commissioner's Office is not implying that Ed created Babel in any way.) He's coming off an electrifying performance (see what I did there?) thanks to Tucker Kraft (vs. CAR), Derrick Henry (@MIA), and Javonte Williams (vs. ARI); does that mean he's resurrecting (OK, OK, I'll stop) his season?

Matt was the OG villain of the Blingaleague, our Monster Heel. He hit a lull for a bit, but then had a resurgence in success. Now, he's hit an all-time low. Sounds a lot like how the Vampire genre has historically performed, no? Anyways, he gets Lamar Jackson (@MIA) back this week. so he could rise from the grave to wreak some havoc, even if his playoff hopes are all but dead.

Pick: Live Commish.

The Vistas are Back (Pat, 3-5, 12th) vs. D's Nuts (Derrek, 2-6, 13th)

Derrek leads all-time series, 11-6.

Pat's team looked quite formidable, but he kept losing parts like Malik Nabers and Mike Evans. At this point, he's like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail_: still doing his best, but mostly dismembered.

His opponent, Derrek, is like the Invisible Man; he's there, but no one's really noticing him. Christian McCaffrey (@NYG) has been great, but is coming off a down week. And his Chargers, Justin Herbert and Ladd McConkey (both @TEN), have had some unpredictable ups and downs.

Pick: The Vistas are Back.

Closing Thoughts

Happy Halloween, everyone!